Call us old-fashioned, but if we'd been accused of splitting a maid's head open with a jewelled mobile phone and faced seven years in jail for it, we'd have more on our minds than getting all narky about possibly being asked to sweep up a road.
But, hey, we're not Naomi Campbell. And, if you haven't worked it out, that's what she's done – yesterday Naomi Campbell went back to court to face assault charges stemming from an incident where she allegedly flung her phone into her maid's head in a fit of furious anger. And, although it's looking increasingly likely that Naomi Campbell will get away lightly with some community service in a plea bargain, the idea of community service repulses Naomi Campbell. Her lawyer has already said that Naomi Campbell won't be doing anything that involves sweeping up or any other dirtiness, unless it involves laying on the ground and letting Madonna pretend to piddle on her like in that Sex book.
When all of Naomi Campbell's court worries are over, we'd like to see her star in an Apprentice-style TV show, where she'd whittle down a group of eager young things all keen to work for her. Only, at the end of every episode, instead of dispatching hopefuls with a brusque "You're fired!" Naomi Campbell would launch herself over the boardroom table and pummel the unlucky contestant in the face with her fists until she had face-gore all the way up to her elbows. That's if any of these assault allegations about Naomi Campbell are true, of course, and – until the law is changed – that's for the courts to decide and not needlessly pithy medium-sized British entertainment blogs.
At this moment in time, however, Naomi Campbell does currently face all kinds of different accusations of assault from people who worked for her. As well as being arrested for assault in London last month, Naomi Campbell was also yesterday sued by a former maid of hers who calls Naomi Campbell a "violent super-bigot" for once telling her "You're not in the Third World now, stupid." And then there was the time that Naomi Campbell lost her shit on a yacht over the choice of menu she was offered, although that didn't end up in criminal proceedings. Right now, though, the important case that Naomi Campbell faces is the one about her hurling a jewel-encrusted mobile phone at the back of a housemaid's head and splitting it open during an argument about a pair of jeans.
This all happened back in March, and since then Naomi Campbell has been in court for hearings – except for when she didn't feel like it – and yesterday Naomi Campbell returned again for a routine appearance. This time was different, though. Although Naomi Campbell's lawyer David Breitbart was confident that his client would be able to reach a plea bargain with a sentence that only involved a spot of community service, he was adamant that Naomi Campbell wouldn't agree to any plea deal that meant she had to clean up roads, as he told the New York Post:
"It's not that she's squeamish… I haven't even broached it with her… But in my mind, it's purely a security issue. I think it's dangerous, in all candor, to put a female of her celebrity in a public place, surrounded by hundreds of photographers. I have to assume that there are going to be people who say, 'Let's shoot her; let's stab her; let's mug her'. The media circus would far eclipse anything that happened to Boy George."
Ah yes, Boy George. He was the last celebrity to face a similar punishment; after a long court process over drugs charges, Boy George was given the choice between community service or jail. He chose community service and was told to sweep the streets of New York, which he did briefly before becoming so enraged with the throng of paparazzi following him around that he had a great big embarrassing sweary girly strop about it. Not that Naomi Campbell should worry about handling herself in a similar situation, of course – it'd be a brave reporter who dared go near a woman with a reputation like hers, especially if she was armed with a broom.
It'll be interesting to see how the judge responds to Naomi Campbell's demands, though – there's still technically a chance that Naomi could be sent to jail, after all. And if Naomi Campbell's against picking up litter for a week, how do you think she'd feel about spending seven years locked in a cell with a burly lesbian arsonist who's handy with a shiv?
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