Mischa Barton isn't just that one-time partly famous actress who was in The OC and nothing else at all after that, like you think she is.
No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That's right – a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil' Kim.
Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That's bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don't worry Hayden! We're on our way! And we're bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!
Remember when the hot trend among the Hollywood A-listers was a little dog dressed up as a pirate that you could carry around in a handbag? Things were so much simpler then. Now to keep up with the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan you need to get arrested for driving a car out of your mind on booze or drugs.
Or at least that was the case. As a general rule, when Mischa Barton does anything, she pretty much kills that trend stone dead. And since Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI on December 27, the young and pointless of Hollywood have had to find a new fad. It's been a struggle, with the current hot craze involving wearing a lifesize concrete sheep on your head like an inert livestocky hat.
But forget sheephats, because this is about Mischa Barton – the skinny girl from The OC who left The OC because she thought she was getting too big for it, only to end up doing absolutely nothing at all of worth afterwards. Anyway, two months after her DUI arrest, Mischa Barton has formally been charged, as the New York Daily News reports:
According to court papers, the 21-year-old actress was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana. The misdemeanor charges are related to her December 27, 2006 arrest in West Hollywood where she was pulled over after police witnessed her car fail to use a turn signal, as well as straddle two lanes. Barton was scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.
It'll be interesting to see how Mischa Barton pleads in her upcoming hearings, because if she wants to stay true to the skinny celebrity tradition she'll need to plead not guilty time and time again despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary right up until the last minute when she'll reverse her plea and go to jail anyway.
To be honest, we're torn between anger and pity for Mischa Barton here. Not because she endangered innocent lives while trying to adhere to the predetermined set of conventions laid out by her peer group, though. No.
Instead, we pity Mischa Barton because she's only roughly the size of an unfolded paperclip, so even an enthusiastic whiff of nutmeg will turn her into a shambling, dribbling uncontrollable mess, let alone any alcohol and pot. And we're angry because Mischa Barton is a British citizen, so she should be able to handle her drink. Well, either handle it or fly into a terrifying rage and stab a policeman to death with a screwdriver. Either way, it's a bitter disappointment.
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jackie says
actually mischa has been one of the hardest working actresses for the past year in a half. Want proof? look at her imbd page. She has nine films coming out. A lot of them sound cool. Next time don’t publish complete crap.
euclid says
Crap is in the eye of the beholder.
gir says
OMFG!! you TOTALLY did NOT just make fun of an ACTRESS for DRIVING AROUND ALL DRUNK!!! LOOK AT HOW Much she WORKS!!! and its RLY hard doing FUCK-ALL for MILLIONS OF DOLLARS@@@@ SHE deserves to HAVE A FEW DDRINKs and then GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A TWO TON HUNK OF METAL!!!!!!!! a little CAR ACCIDENT never HURT ANYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEXT TIME FAWn OVER HER BECAUSE SHE IS MILDLY FAMOUS AND FORGIVE HER HER TRESPASSES AS SHE FORGIVES THOSE COPS FOR TOTALLY HARSHING HER BUZZ
jackie says
Why do you think I’m defending her DUI? I never did. I actually think it was stupid that she did that. But what I said about her career was true. Seriously, she’s done more films than a lot of the actresses in hollywood. I never meant to offend anybody.
gir says
Next time don’t post complete crap.
Joke Police says
I think that we could all save time if Hecklerspray set up some kind of auto-response to its own articles. Here’s the format:
(a) Hecklerspray writes sarky article about John Q Celebrity
(b) Brainless Fan responds indignantly with CAPITAL LETTER rage
(c) Hecklerspray regular mocks Brainless Fan succintly
It’s becoming Pavlovian.
gir says
I start drooling when Stuart Heritage posts an article. Is this normal?
Stuart Heritage says
Only for you, gir. You and ALL THE GIRLS.
euclid says
During the siege of Leningrad,
Dr. Pavlov’s dogs ate him. I kid thee not.
But I’m not entirely sure what that
implies in the above context.
ps. sometimes I am compelled to mock at great length. Apologies.
Joke Police says
OMG PAVLOV DIED IN 1936 (I just looked it up on Wikipedia and everything). U dont know what your talking about innit, that wernt a SIEGE it was more the begginings of Stalin’s Grate Terror. Get yore facts right and don’t eva talk about PAvlov again before U do yore reserch.
euclid says
It was Stalin’s Grey Terrier what ate Pavlov, you ignorAmis.
I lernt it from the illustrated edition of Gravity’s Rainbowl,
so it is real words and true. Besides, my best fren Amy says
she herd it too on the Dog Channel when Capt. James Beard
did a show on famous dog recipees, so there. And also,
maybe he died twice. Bet you didn’t even consider that, right?
OK, so now you know.
gir says
Stalin’s Grey Terrier was a tool of the bourgeoisie. Pavlov was a true patriot. Dog channel is nothing more than propaganda DOGCHANNEL = ENGLish CHANNEL = CHANNELTUNNEL = CHUNNEL. GRVity’s rainbowl is waht psueodintellectuals smoke WEED out OF–COMPLACENCY