Madonna might turn 50 in a matter of months, but so long as she’s still a voice and a working fanny, she can’t be stopped.
And, with a brand new album of all the songs Timbaland hasn’t already sold to Nelly Furtado or Justin Timberlake or Ashlee Simpson in stores, it was only a matter of time before Madonna decided to go travelling round the world charging her fans a month’s wages to go and see her in concert.
Sure enough, Madonna has just released details of her new world tour. However, Madonna hasn’t publicly stated whether it’ll be one of those nice world tours where she sings all the old songs that people want her to sing or one of those rubbish tours where she only sings her rubbish new songs and everyone leaves feeling gypped yet, so don’t get your hopes up.
It’s always exciting when Madonna plays live, because you never know what you’re going to get.
No, we don’t mean that Madonna has an eye for visual flair and a back catalogue stretching back 25 years to choose from – we mean that when a lady of her age dances around in a leotard for two hours night after night, it’s just a matter of time before she has some kind of disgusting uterovaginal prolapse in front of everyone. In essence, a Madonna concert ticket is just a lottery ticket where the prize is a glimpse of her partially eviscerated bowel.
And it’s certainly a very successful lottery, because last time Madonna went on tour she made more money than any woman ever – so much money that she could afford a brand new toilet seat for every time she peed or pooped. That’s a standard of luxury that any multimillionaire environmental campaigner should be proud of.
So, when the rewards are as great as these, it’s no surprise that Madonna has decided to set out on tour again. After all, she’s got a new album out, and those poorly-reviewed songs won’t promote themselves, no matter how often they allude to Guy Ritchie’s pecker.
Which is why Madonna has announced the Sticky And Sweet tour – a 27-date jaunt around Europe and America. People reports:
Madonna will kick off her “Sticky and Sweet” world tour on Aug. 23 in Cardiff, Wales, the 49-year-old pop star announced Wednesday. The aptly-titled tour follows the release of her latest chart-topping album Hard Candy. After Cardiff, the tour will continue through Europe, making stops in France, Germany, the Netherlands and Italy, as well as elsewhere in the U.K., including a Sept. 11 performance at London’s Wembley Stadium.
Ticket prices, in the UK at least, are £55 for Wales and £65 for Wembley. It’s a lot of money, but can you really put a price on seeing a woman two decades past her best clinging forlornly to her lost youth by dancing around in a vastly unsuitable outfit?
Yes you can – haven’t you ever been to a pikey nightclub on Divorcee Night? By that standard, Madonna’s tickets are actually quite steep – plus the chances of you scoring a grubbily desperate one-off sexual encounter that’ll make you nauseous every time you think about it for the rest of your life aren’t quite as high.
We’re just kidding, of course – Madonna knows the importance of spectacle better than anyone else. Her last tour wouldn’t have been nearly as successful if she hadn’t have crucified herself on a glittery cross in the middle of her show and made the Pope all angry. The big question is how Madonna will be able to top that.
It’s difficult to find something more religiously offensive than a mock crucifixion, that’s for sure. But not impossible. All it’d take is a large picture of the Prophet Muhammad, a catapult and several fisfuls of animal dung and Madonna would be right back in the centre of everyone’s attention again. But we’re sure Madonna’s already thought of that.
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J Bollocks says
“Like a virgin” my sweaty arse!
The only things sadder than “The Mad.” are her fans? Who are these people? Have they no shame?
The Dread Pirate Sausage says
Are we taking suggestions for offensive Madonna concert content?
J Bollocks says
DPS, well, I don’t know about HS but I’m open to suggestions…
Here’s what I thought, given the trends espoused in the story. You’ld get a micro camera with a strong LED light and ****** it up her ****** and tape the lead to her upper thigh. This would provide maximum coverage and also ….
(I censored the rest because my spouse vomited when I described the “feature” to her)