Bleurgh: Madonna Discusses Sex With Guy Ritchie

Every wondered what it's like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither - in fact, we've spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.

But Madonna doesn't care. She's got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.

For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is 'incredible' at sex - but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell's vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It's hardly a group you'd want to be associated with, is it?

Good news/bad news time! The good news is that the video for Madonna's new single 4 Minutes gets its first screening on Friday, and there seems to be no sign of leotard-clad middle-aged vulva in any of it at all. The bad news is that Madonna appears to have replaced videos featuring distressing cameltoes with uncomfortably personal discussions of her private life as this album's 'thing'.

Madonna's new album Hard Candy is released at the end of the month, and Madonna seems to have struck upon a winning formula to publicise it - she's talking about her marriage to Guy Ritchie. After all, hardly a day passes any more without a rumour about Madonna and Guy splitting up or sleeping in separate bedrooms or leaving home without their wedding rings, so the least Madonna can do is tell us the truth. Or, if not the truth, some lies scientifically designed to make us burp vomit up into our mouths.

Talking to Elle magazine, Madonna revealed that one song on Hard Candy in particular is mostly about what it's like to have Guy Ritchie thrash around on top of her like an erotically electrocuted seal. People reports:

In the bittersweet love song, "Incredible," the 49-year-old croons, "sex with you is incredible." Is that also a tribute to her husband-of-seven-years? "Absolutely," she tells the magazine. "Sex with Guy is incredible … And surprise, surprise, it's his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it's not his favorite song, but it's definitely his favorite line." 

Why? Why would you do that, Madonna? Just because you're too old to publish another foil-sealed book about what you like like naked doesn't mean that you're allowed to repulse us with your sordid little sex tales any more. Not to mention that we don't believe it for a second - if Guy Ritchie is as good at sex as he is at making Revolver then frankly we're surprised that he hasn't had Madonna's eye out yet.

Perhaps Madonna isn't doing this to be shocking or controversial, though. Perhaps this is all for the benefit of her adopted son David Banda. After all, if Madonna is raising David as a little English boy then he'll have to go through the traditional English ritual feeling awkward because everyone at your school knows the mucky intricacies of your parents' sex lives. That's as English as a cup of tea and a slice of cricket, isn't it? 

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Madonna Reveals 'Sex with Guy Is Incredible' - People