In many ways the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards are a lot like the Oscars – except that there's more slime, less interminable statements of self-importance and a weird belief that Adam Sandler can in some way be considered a talented actor.
The 2007 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards took place on Saturday; there, as always, to recognise the very best in the world of dumb shit that children ostensibly like. And among the winners of the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and Dakota Fanning, who picked up the hotly contested Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Most Uncomfortable Scene Of Sexual Abuse On An Infant In A Film Named After An Elvis Presley Song award.
Funny thing, the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards show. Theoretically it's a fun-packed show where the winners are all chosen by child Nickelodeon viewers, but from time to time odd things happen – like Keanu Reeves getting nominated for Best Actor for the child-unfriendly movie Speed in 1995, or when Lindsay Lohan got her arse out for the kids last year. Happily, though – or sadly, depending on who you are – the biggest controversy at this year's Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards was that Helen Mirren didn't win anything for The Queen, the first time this has happened during an awards show in living memory.
The formula for this year's Nickelodeon Kids' Choice awards were just the same as every other year – famous person turns up, famous person gets slimed, famous person leaves, another famous person turns up, gets slimed etc – but who actually won? Well, weekend box office destroyer Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest won Best Movie, inexplicably popular dullard Adam Sandler won Best Actor, Beyonce somehow epileptically convinced the children to give her the Best Female Singer and Best Song awards, Dakota Fanning stopped getting raped long enough to win Best Female Movie Star and the Black Eyed Peas won Best Music Group To Be Recently Arrested For Taking Drugs.
Highlight of the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, as ever, was the Wannabe award – where kids decide who they most want to be like. Terrifyingly, past winners of the Nickelodeon Wannabe award have included convicted drug smuggler Tim Allen, constipated dildo-loving crack addict Whitney Houston and angry Trump-hating lesbian Rosie O'Donnell, but this year's winner was Ben Stiller – a recipient only slightly less boring than the wishy-washy pseudo-aspirational speech he gave:
"When I was a kid, I wanted to be a lot of people and a lot of things — an astronaut, an archaeologist, Spider-Man, Batman. … But at the end of the day, the most important person you should want to be is yourself, because there is only one you. And if you believe in yourself, you can do anything you want to do. Anything is possible, just go for it."
Here's a full list of Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards winners:
Favourite Movie
The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Favourite Female Movie Star
Dakota Fanning
Favourite Male Movie Star
Adam Sandler
Favourite Voice from an Animated Movie
Queen Latifah – Ice Age: The Meltdown
Favourite Animated Movie
Happy Feet
Favourite Music Group
Black Eyed Peas
Favourite Female Singer
Beyonce
Favourite Male Singer
Justin Timberlake
Favourite Song
Irreplaceable – Beyonce
Favourite TV Show
American Idol
Favourite Television Actress
Miley Cyrus – Hannah Montana
Favourite Television Actor
Drake Bell – Drake & Josh
Favourite Cartoon
SpongeBob SquarePants
Favourite Athlete
Shaquille O'Neal
Favourite Video Game
SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature from the Krusty Krab
Favourite Book
Harry Potter (series)
Why, you're right – the winners of the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards are very similar to those at the People's Choice Awards. No Jennifer Aniston here, though, so we're more inclined to like this one.
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mizza says
I enjoyed the first Pirates film but the second was completely rubbish. I can’t believe how rubbish these awards are – it just shows what bad taste kids have.