Kid Rock isn't a man known for his peaceful restraint at the best of times, so only a fool would dare talk to a woman in Kid Rock's company when Kid Rock is stuffed to the gizzard with Grilled Texas Bacon Egg & Cheese Melt waffle plates.
Sadly, in the early hours of Sunday morning, Harlem DeJon Akins learnt the hard way that if you interrupt Kid Rock while he's trying to eat a delicious Waffle House Grilled Bacon Texas Cheesesteak Melt Plate, then Kid Rock will have no choice but to batter the living arse out of you, and then get arrested for it. It's not known what started the Waffle House fight between Kid Rock and Harlem DeJon Akins, but police experts are suggesting that it was either a brawl about women, the worrying prospect of Turkey's looming Iraq invasion, or waffles. The exact cause of the fight will become apparent when the experts stop shuddering at the thought of Kid Rock angrily spraying waffle spittle out of his mouth like a disgusting redneck waste disposal unit stuck in reverse.
Kid Rock's temper is always getting him into trouble – you could close your eyes and jab a pin into hecklerspray and find instances of Kid Rock beating up Tommy Lee at the MTV VMAs or Kid Rock furiously hurling women into some snow or Kid Rock divorcing Pamela Anderson because of his rage at her cameo in the Borat movie – but until now Kid Rock hasn't had the chance to prove his redneck credentials to the full because he hasn't had a late-night fight with a stranger in a low-rent waffle franchise over a girl in his entourage yet.
But that's a thing of the past now that Kid Rock has been arrested and charged with battery after allegedly beating up Harlem DeJon Akins in a Georgia Waffle House because he recognised a woman eating what's assumed to have been a Grilled Texas Bacon Double Patty Melt Plate with the singer. MTV reports:
Rock was reportedly eating a meal when Harlem DeJon Akins recognized a woman in Rock's crew and started speaking with her. Rock intervened in the conversation and a fight subsequently broke out between him and Akins, spurring five men who were with Rock to get involved. "He and five members of his entourage were involved in a fight with a male customer inside the Waffle House," DeKalb County Police Department spokeswoman Mekka Parish told AP. "It escalated to a physical altercation between Kid Rock and that male customer, and moved outside to the parking lot."
After driving away in their tour bus, Kid Rock and his buck-toothed gang of Maury guests in waiting were stopped by police and arrested for misdemeanour battery and were released after posting a $1,000 bond. Meanwhile, Harlem DeJon Akins – who suffered cuts and bruises from the attack – was also charged with second-degree criminal damage to property because he punched a $500 Waffle House window and broke it, making this incident just 10 seconds of hidden surveillance footage away from an episode of Cheaters, by and large.
But still, apparently attacking a man in a Waffle House will only help to boost Kid Rock's reputation as a man who isn't to be messed with – and chances are it'll also increase sales of his new number one album, too. That album's called Rock And Roll Jesus, by the way – a fitting title because not only does Kid Rock share the same haircut as Jesus but, thanks to the incident on Sunday morning, Kid Rock has now mimicked the psalm in which Jesus kicked the shit out of some dude in a Waffle House for done talking to his woman.
Read more:
Kid Rock Arrested For Assault After Waffle House Scuffle – MTV