That Keira Knightley, eh? What a fat cow. OK, so Keira Knightley isn't a fat cow really – it's just that we're scared of mentioning that Keira's a little on the skinny side in case she sues us for £3,000 and wins, just like what happened yesterday.
Back in January the Daily Mail wrote an article saying that Keira Knightley was basically a murderer because she's so skinny that young girls starve themselves to death in order to try and look like her, or something, so Keira did the only thing available to her – using her slight frame to disguise herself as a single strand of cat hair, Keira Knightley attached herself to the journalist's sweater and bit them on the tit really hard. No, that's not right. Keira Knightley sued the Daily Mail and won instead, scoring a cool £3,000 – or, as Keira prefers to call it, 751 Wicked Zinger Meals from KFC. The lardy bitch.
The Daily Mail has to always go and spoil everything, doesn't it. We knew that Keira Knightley was skinny. You knew that Keira Knightley was skinny. The whole world knew that Keira Knightley was skinny, because the whole world has seen Keira Knightley naked, even if she does use a fake arse sometimes. Even Keira Knightley herself knew that she was skinny. It was a situation everyone was happy with, especially us because we assumed that eventually Keira Knightley would physically fade away to nothing and we could go and see a Pirates Of The Caribbean film without the experience being spoilt by a prissy girl who thinks she's funnier than she actually is.
But then the Daily Mail went and ruined everything by writing a story with the headline 'If Pictures Like This One of Keira Carried a Health Warning, My Darling Daughter Might Have Lived' where a skinny picture of Keira Knightley in a bikini was accompanied by text about a girl who died of anorexia, apparently insinuating that the girl would have lived if Keira Knightley ate more kebabs. It's that sort of talk that makes Keira Knightley sue you for libel, which is what happened. And yesterday Keira Knightly won the grand total of £3,000 in damages from the newspaper. Reuters quotes Keira Knightley's lawyer:
"The claimant is not a fitness fanatic, as she considers it more important and has spoken of her opinion of the need to be healthy and happy… The claimant found the suggestions all the more offensive as she has freely admitted publicly in the past that a member of her family suffered from anorexia and she is well aware of the devastating effects eating disorders can have."
Keira Knightley, who was too busy making a lesbian sex film to appear in court, isn't the first actress to sue people for calling her skinny – Kate Winslet has done it and so has Kate Hudson – but Keira Knightley's case is unique because a) her name isn't Kate and b) she is actually naturally thin, unlike those hefty dumptrucks Winslet and Hudson. Oh, we're kidding. What's wrong with you people? Sheesh.
It's thought that Keira Knightley will match the £3,000 libel payout penny for penny and donate it all to BEAT, an eating disorder charity. A nice touch, but we kind of wish Keira would put it in her savings fund instead so she'll be able to stop being famous quicker. That way we all win.