She’s amazing. Oh, hang on, no. We were getting Jessica Simpson mixed up with someone else – someone who fought in a bunch of wars and then successfully battled cancer. But Jessica Simpson is still incredibly brave. She’s posed for the cover of Marie Claire without any make-up on. That’s brave, right? Brave or lazy. No, no, wait – it’s definitely brave. That’s what the rest of the media is saying anyway, so who are we to argue?
So well done Jessica Simpson – thanks to you, women everyone will now feel confident enough to go outside without make-up on, so long as they’re accompanied by a world-class hairstylist, impossibly flattering lighting set-ups and a leading photographer able to salvage at least one decent shot from a three-hour shoot. You’re practically a superhero, Jessica!
Jessica Simpson isn’t exactly doing herself any favours, is she? A year ago she started getting fat, and now she’s taken all her make-up off. Next thing you know she’ll be releasing a music video where she stands at a bus stop in a market-stall shellsuit, smoking a fag, eating a day-old slice of pizza and carelessly scratching her crotch. In Croydon. Jessica Simpson is on a slippery slope, that’s for sure.
Oh, not really. In fact, that time she saw one photo of herself looking a bit porky and made the world’s biggest, most tedious deal out of it has been the making of her. If it wasn’t for that one incident then Jessica Simpson would still be a fitfully dumpy C-list country music star and failed Hollywood actress. Now, though, she’s everywoman.
Ladies, Jessica Simpson is just like you. She knows what it’s like to have the occasional fat day. She knows what it’s like to have her appearance constantly scrutinised for flaws by a sexist patriarchal society determined to objectify women and keep the sisterhood down. She knows what it’s like to have a dad who’s obsessed with her tits, although to be fair that’s slightly less relevant.
Jessica Simpson knows that women can be happy regardless of how they look. True, her immediate reaction to the fat pictures might have been to drastically lose as much weight as possible as quickly as she could, but she’s still comfortable in her own skin. And she made a reality TV show called The Price Of Beauty, too. That’s sort of proof, isn’t it?
No? Well appearing on the front cover of Marie Claire without any make-up on – which she’s just done – is definitely proof, then. Just look at how MTV describes the Jessica Simpson pictures, and remember that instead of curing disease or ending global poverty she’s just been photographed without any make-up on:
Jessica?s brave and confident look [can be seen in] four more photos of her comfortably posing in her natural surroundings. Jessica poses almost superman-like surrounded by trees, next to the caption ?People think updos are so hard. But they're not. Your hair should look tousled and undone.? We think she's superwoman for standing up and staying true to who she is.
And we agree. In fact, we’re positive that Emily Wilding Davison would be proud of Jessica Simpson for realising that the only reason that she threw herself under that racehorse all those years ago was so that one day a skincream spokesperson with big boobs and a reality show would take her make-up off for a photo in a magazine that’s full of advertisements for make-up.
Congratulations Jessica Simpson. We only wish we were a tenth as profound as you.