Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.
Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.
Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.
We know as well as anyone that people tend to pack on a few extra pounds over Christmas. That’s normal. But not Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson doesn’t look like she overate a little at Christmas. Jessica Simpson looks like she’s actually eaten the entire concept of Christmas, and that she’ll give Easter a running start before she makes a lunge for that as well.
OK, that’s a little unfair. In truth, Jessica Simpson was photographed performing at a show in Florida on Sunday looking slightly bulkier than usual. True, she did decide to wear a pair of jeans so unflattering that it made her arse look like two vacuum-packed planets having it off, but it really wasn’t as bad as everyone’s making out.
Nevertheless, reaction to Jessica Simpson’s rotund new look has been two-pronged. Obviously there are those who delight in chortling at Jessica Simpson’s portly new frame – but there are also those who have been quick to defend her. We’ve read countless messageboard comments saying that Jessica Simpson is just being a traditional southern girl – somehow insinuating that her centre of gravity has settled on her buttocks because she’s closer to the equator than most people – while Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson has said she’s ‘disgusted’ by all the public interest in Jessica’s tummy.
And now Kim Kardashian has waded into the Jessica Simpson fray as well. No, we don’t know why either. People reports:
“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”
Good for Kim Kardashian for elbowing her way into a debate that she wasn’t invited to. But Jessica Simpson should be careful – it sounds very much to us like Kim Kardashian is trying to indoctrinate Jessica into her new weight-loss plan: Shag Yourself Thin On The Internet With Kim Kardashian.
As for us? Well, we can totally understand the weight-gain – recently Jessica Simpson decided to go country, and porking out a little bit is just keeping with the conventions of the genre. Although why Jessica chose increased bodyfat is beyond us, especially when she could have slotted in with the country set just as easily by growing a beard or subjecting herself to years of ritualised domestic abuse. You know, something less offensive.
Of course, we’re joking. Everyone knows that Jessica Simpson only put on a bit of weight to stop her dad perving over her tits all the time. You’d do the same in her position.