Jessica Simpson sang These Boots Were Made For Walking, even though This Mouth Was Made For Gorging is probably more accurate.
Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.
Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.
Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.
We know as well as anyone that people tend to pack on a few extra pounds over Christmas. That’s normal. But not Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson doesn’t look like she overate a little at Christmas. Jessica Simpson looks like she’s actually eaten the entire concept of Christmas, and that she’ll give Easter a running start before she makes a lunge for that as well.
OK, that’s a little unfair. In truth, Jessica Simpson was photographed performing at a show in Florida on Sunday looking slightly bulkier than usual. True, she did decide to wear a pair of jeans so unflattering that it made her arse look like two vacuum-packed planets having it off, but it really wasn’t as bad as everyone’s making out.
Nevertheless, reaction to Jessica Simpson’s rotund new look has been two-pronged. Obviously there are those who delight in chortling at Jessica Simpson’s portly new frame – but there are also those who have been quick to defend her. We’ve read countless messageboard comments saying that Jessica Simpson is just being a traditional southern girl – somehow insinuating that her centre of gravity has settled on her buttocks because she’s closer to the equator than most people – while Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson has said she’s ‘disgusted’ by all the public interest in Jessica’s tummy.
And now Kim Kardashian has waded into the Jessica Simpson fray as well. No, we don’t know why either. People reports:
“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”
Good for Kim Kardashian for elbowing her way into a debate that she wasn’t invited to. But Jessica Simpson should be careful – it sounds very much to us like Kim Kardashian is trying to indoctrinate Jessica into her new weight-loss plan: Shag Yourself Thin On The Internet With Kim Kardashian.
As for us? Well, we can totally understand the weight-gain – recently Jessica Simpson decided to go country, and porking out a little bit is just keeping with the conventions of the genre. Although why Jessica chose increased bodyfat is beyond us, especially when she could have slotted in with the country set just as easily by growing a beard or subjecting herself to years of ritualised domestic abuse. You know, something less offensive.
Of course, we’re joking. Everyone knows that Jessica Simpson only put on a bit of weight to stop her dad perving over her tits all the time. You’d do the same in her position.
I says
fuck u how wud u like if u had eating disorder
jessica simpSON has achveid more inher life to now than u ever will HATER
jessic a ur fanz still love u dont listne to da haterz girl xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Joke Police says
I often find it hard to tell whether these comments are genuine these days.
This one helpfully gives the answer with the website link.
Unless that’s all part of the ruse.
Anyway, Simpson – stupid AND fat now. Tough break.
MP says
Okay first of all, how do you expect girls to stop having eating disorders if a stupid-ass like you keeps talking shit about Jessica Simpson putting on some weight. You ignorant piece of shit. How much do you weigh? Why do you care what she looks like anyway? You’re not the one with her! I know this is your “job,” but get real. You only wish you looked like her. You better watch what you say because God don’t like ugly and he will punish you.
HT says
Stuart, I found this post highly offensive. It’s incredibly insensitive and promotes negatice body image in girls and young women. I’m disgusted by this vile drivel and suggest you get a life.
Not really, I thought it was fucking hilarious but hey, at least you have a comment now.
Joke Police says
MP, how do you expect celebrity gossip bloggers to stop having body dysmorphic disorders if commenters like you keep calling them ugly?
And you don’t even have a picture. We have a pic of Jessica. And she a big fatty.
magnetite says
MP? God loves ugly. There are countless insects, deep-ocean fish and dog breeds out there that prove how much he loves ugly.
Oh, unless you mean soul-ugly, in which case calling someone a ‘piece of shit’ and believing that you can speak for God is quite a sanctimonious, supercilious, soul-ugly thing to do.
I’m going to Hell. I bet you weren’t expecting to though. See you down there.
Bree says
Jessica Simpson is NOT fat! What a bunch of stupid people picking on her like that! Good for Kim Kardashian for sticking up for her.
green says
Easy ladies…when she gets back in shape she’ll get a juicy contract making Jenny Craig commercials…it will be Okay. It could be worse. She could get paid what an average person gets paid per hour for twice the work. And she works what, maybe 10hrs in a month? Give me what she has in her bank account and you can call me anything you want.
Sarah says
That headline is killer, I needed a laugh, thanks.
cheached says
I think its great she’s fattening up. She used to be pretty cute, but she was horribly annoying and stupid, so now as she gets fatter and uglier her irritating personality is no longer tolerable and hopefully she’ll disapear from the spotlight. Ever since she did whatever freaky thing she did with her now swollen disgusting lips I can’t stand even looking at her, her face is turning into a freakish mess.
Nick sure got out of there at the right time didn’t he? Poor Tony Romo, he probably has to watch old reruns of Newlyweds, just so he can remind himself that she at least used to be hot, but she was always dumb.
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i can,t believe the chic of you people thatl’l come on here which is the domain of **HELLOO????** sTUArt Heritage and try nd play it that way well let i’ll tell you that “that ain,t gona happen sister you here????” Baytch we neeed to go outside because she so fat your mom needs her postcode!!!!!!!!!! so stop with all this negative and start gettin with positive or at least the one that means in the midle of that. NO MORE DISSTRESSIN mR stUART hERITAGE PLEAse an thanks because when you come hre an give him thouhts from your head just remember he don,t even want head from you baytches.
the cynic says
LOVE THE HEADLINE! Pretty much agree with the entire article. The part about Kim CarCrashian is priceless, you know Jessica doesn’t want Kim sticking up for her, of all people. Seems like a ploy by Kim to get Jessica to join the “We’re fat but that’s okay” club. Hopefully, Simpson loses 10 pounds and does something with her life, like go to school or become a political activist. Her pathetic entertainment gig should’ve ended a long time ago.
rochelle308 says
So what, Jessica Simpson put on a bit of weight, she is by NO means fat. I think Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Love Hewitt aren
michelle says
Hey people. I think Jessica Simpson is a beautiful woman with curves. She dont look like a stick figure like most other women in Hollywood. I think they look like shit. Like little boys with nothing sexy goin on at all. Just lay off of her. She is beautiful at any size. Thanks,Michelle Mcguire KY.
None Of Your Business says
It’s so stupid. All the guys who are saying “oh man the bitch has gotten so fat!” would, if they ran into her at a bar, be down on their knees begging her to screw them. Fat is 300 pounds: Jessica is barely 150.
Allie Hampton says
I have a favor – could you make people type in English here? I just don’t recognize this language and I do speak and read several:
“jessica simpSON has achveid more inher life to now than u ever will HATER
jessic a ur fanz still love u dont listne to da haterz girl xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”
Thank you for your time and have a lovely weekend, gossip folks!
Allie Hampton says
Kim has 40 inch hips and keeps yelling that she’s a Size 2. She’s just looking for backup. I’m not sure where she’ll put it…
40 inches! Really – from her collagen-filled lips to our ears. Sad.
D-(A)-ve says
Hoi hoi hoi there my little fat-girl-conversation-thread droogs@!@ yes it is I, he who cannot stay away from such things. Do I have a problem with chasing girls who have a problem with their weight? No, I’m a chubby chaser. Jessica sinpson has been breaking all the rules, hasn’t she? I hope she gets chunky enough to break thru her belt. Now, I don’t mean to suggest by what I’m going to say next that males who aren’t into bigger chicks are gay. That would be just as stupid and prejudice as saying jessica Simpson isn’t a pretty girl anymore because she’s put on a few pounds. But to the author of this lil article, where you say there at the bottom, that joke about how she put on weight to get her dad to stop ogling her boobs? C’mon. Everyone knows chubbier girls have bigger boobs. Why try to convince ppl otherwise? And saying its offensive that she gained weight? Offensive how, because it makes her female figure so much more pronounced and obvious that no matter what she’s wearing, since she’s bouncing and jiggling all over the place she might as well be nude in public? Is That what offends you? Or are you one of those people who is still trying as hard as they can to keep everyone afraid of being taunted for liking fat chicks… who, by the way, aren’t actually fat per se anyway… just fertile. Everyone knows these things, they’re just too scared of getting teased by people like you to admit it. I’m going to have to charge you with being either a gay man, or an overly skinny girl who isn’t that pretty and is jealous, jealous, jealous with three capital J’s of JS’s big fat T&A! fa fa fa! see ya next fat girl thread!