As a normal human being, you’ve probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson.
Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.
Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?
Not so long ago, the whole world was obsessed with Jessica Simpson’s weight, after photos of her at a concert made it look as if she’d spent a couple of months mainlining dripping while hooked up to an IV full of doughnut glaze in a flotation tank full of gravy.
Why was this? Well, it was either because the patriarchal media’s endemic consumption and ownership of the female form is a transparent ploy to keep women in a subservient position, or it was because it was a nice distraction from discussing Jessica Simpson’s singing or acting – either one of which tend to send people into a blaze of face-tearing, mind-melting madness. But we digress.
The point is, despite the public outcry over her wobbly belly and planet-sized arse, Jessica Simpson said time and time again that she was comfortable in her own weight; that she was right where she was supposed to be.
And she meant it, too, because Jessica Simpson has just lost loads of weight, and she’s doing just about everything she can to make sure everyone knows. Metro reports:
Toned down and bronzed, the country singer ditched her plus sized jeans for her old denim hot pants to thrill the crowds at the final night of the Strawberry Festival Sunday in America. Just a few months back The Dukes of Hazzard actress, 28, was happy to wave away her struggles to maintain her one time 36-24-36 frame. ‘Curves are better. I don’t get the whole rail thing… It’s emotionally destructive, it really is.’
But despite whatever hypocrisy might be at play here, this really is a return to the Jessica Simpson we know and love. Bright orange, dressed like Willie Nelson‘s slutty granddaughter, sad because she’s not married instead of sad that she’s grossly overweight – not to mention that all this weight-loss has really sharpened the definition of her jawline again. And, after all, Jessica Simpson’s not Jessica Simpson unless you’re terrified of her ability to bite clean through your leg in a moment of anger.
What’s more, this sudden weight-loss is bound to be massively profitable for Jessica Simpson. By Christmas she’ll have definitely brought out a fitness DVD. Or, at the very least, a tearful exclusive magazine interview about her battle with bulimia. Which will it be? Place your bets now!
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shooty* says
“the patriarchal media
Stuart Heritage says
An admission – I ripped it off something I saw on Twitter yesterday. But shh.
gwen says
GIVE ME A BREAK! I think Jessica looked fine. I cant believe all the publicity about jessica gaining a few pounds. EVERY WOMAN GAINS SOME WEIGHT AT SOME POINT. in this day, I cant beleive that hollywood continues to push the anorexic look, the average woman in america is a size 14. Little girls watch this garbage and learn young that to be “great” you have to look anorexic. Jessica has had pictures where she did look anorexic. Who wants a bag of bones, really? Publish some news worthy news really. GET OVER IT!
Tammy Hendren says
I get so irate when someone in the public eye gains weight and the press jumps on it like it’s the hottest topic of the day. I know I get crabby when I gain a few extra pounds, i can’t imagine it splattered all over every magazine cover for everyone to see. I know fame has its price but that can really screw with someone’s head. And we wonder why teens across america are throwing up after they eat or not eating at all. Fame can be used in so many ways and yes maintaining your figure is a plus but it shouldn’t define you as a person. How sad the media will stop at nothing to earn a buck.
Tia says
“GROSSLY-OVERWEIGHT”?
Whoever you twittered this from should go fuck themselves!
Like Gwen said the average size of a female is a size 14! With her height and her body frame her ideal weight would probably fall in 140-150 weight range. It’s assholes like this who make girls and women shove their fingers down their throats and become anorexic! I am “recovering”, but will never be able to have children because low body weight, starving myself and puking so others will approve! It will eventually cause your body to grow fine hairs all over, major depression, and if you are a female fucks up your cycle and could like me throw you into menopause at the early age of 30!
Claudia says
Mr. Stuart Heritage, you are disgusting. I bet everything I have that you are overweight, ugly, and lonely…hence the bitterness.
Winston Ching says
The media should leave Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears,Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt and others alone. Every media critic who bashes these beauties are just small dicked men who don’t know how to make love to beautiful women and are jealous of the men who get to sleep with these beauties. Any of these beauties would be more than welcome to join my club in order to enjoy the best in multiple male attention. Some of you know me as the owner of the world’s best swingers’ club on Yahoo,who already has several world known celebrities wo are members,besides more than 2,500 of the world’s most beautiful people.
lisa says
You don’t even like girls do you Stuart?