The shock pregnancy of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears has shocked all kinds of reactions of people, be it sadness, anger or – in the case of all grubby old men – vaguely muttered sexual arousal.
But Jamie Lynn Spears needs support in this difficult time, and who better to give it to her than everyone's favourite overbearing soul diva with ideas half a notch above her station Mary J Blige. While the rest of the world tuts in disapproval and mumbles things like "terrible parenting," "statutory rape" and – in the case of all grubby old men – "haven't you been a dirty girl?" Mary J Blige is there for Jamie Lynn Spears, snapping her fingers, popping her neck and representing for the sisterhood so hard that it looks like she's having some kind of bloody seizure.
In no particular order, the shocking announcement that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant has caused the following reverberations: Jamie Lynn's sister Britney Spears denies it all completely, Jamie Lynn's mother Lynn has had her ridiculous Christian parenting book pulled, Jamie Lynn's boyfriend Casey Aldridge did a sadface on MySpace and the police have started to think about arresting Casey for statutory rape, tattooing the word 'hooker' across Jamie Lynn's forehead and putting a spike through the baby as soon as it's born to teach all slutty teenage girls a lesson.
But at least there's someone on Jamie Lynn Spears' side and it's Mary J Blige, the R&B singer whose past includes drug addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, rampant promiscuity, suicidal tendencies and a natty sideline career of telling everyone exactly what happened to her in excruciating detail over and over again, has decided to come forward and speak out on the Jamie Lynn Spears predicament.
Mary J Blige sent her message of support to Jamie Lynn Spears through MTV which, in Biblical terms, makes Jamie Lynn Spears the virgin Mary, Mary J Blige the three wise men, MTV the Bible and – here's where the analogy falls down a little – it makes Casey Aldridge God, Britney Spears the virgin Mary's slutty baldheaded sister and Kevin Federline, like, Moses or something. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the message:
"Stay strong, baby girl. If that's her choice [to keep the baby] then congratulations. Hope she's responsible and I hope she understands what that brings. You have to change your lifestyle so [your children] can look at you as an example. It's all about Mommy being an example, Jamie. That's what it's about."
Hah, that's… well, actually that's fairly decent advice. We were sort of hoping that Mary J Blige was going to go with "Microwave ovens make excellent baby cots," or "You know what babies love? Dirty heroin syringes."
But no, Mary J Blige has somehow managed to give a decent piece of advice that doesn't sound as if it's been stolen directly from the pages of Chicken Soup For The Soul for once. Let's hope Jamie Lynn Spears does herself a favour and heeds Blige's advice, at least a little bit more than she does with Britney's advice.
After all, learning to babble relentlessly in a made-up language is an arduous task, and can take up to three years of being married to a pointless redneck. Jamie Lynn just doesn't have that sort of time.
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Rent says
Why the fff am I hearing about Britney’s 16 year old sister’s pregnancy? Britney’s the celebrity. I didn’t even know she had a sister until the story broke.
So what? Am I going to be looking up Britney’s Great Aunt’s ass next? After her, her 3rd cousin’s? I’m going to know everytime someone related to Britney takes a sh*t? I don’t even care to know that much about BRITNEY, ffs.
Blamblamsam says
Nice one mary J. Blige. good that you are trying to help – of course no-one really wants to get involved but please stick up for the helpless offsprings interests. They really have no say and need someone to try their best… so sad really