Chris Brown might wind up in jail for allegedly hitting Rihanna. And jail is the last place that Chris Brown needs to go.

Some sort of tooth-filing academy, yes. A night class that teaches you to write songs that aren’t drearily generic, yes. But jail? No. So he’s come across a cunning plan. Chris Brown wants to get his case dismissed thanks to that leaked picture of Rihanna’s busted-up face.

It’s genius, really. It means that if Chris Brown hadn’t allegedly beaten Rihanna up so much, he wouldn’t have a defence. Shoot for the moon, wife-beaters. Shoot for the moon.

In these troubled times of environmental catastrophe, financial meltdown and global pandemics, it’s nice to have something long-term and reliable to cling onto. You know, something long-term and reliable like the fact that this kerfuffle between Rihanna and Chris Brown is never going to end. Ever. It’s going to go on and on and on until everybody has either died of old age or killed themselves out of boredom. So that’s something.

That’s unless Chris Brown has got anything to do with it, of course. Because, since being arrested on suspicion of beating up Rihanna, Chris Brown has tried to put the whole affair behind him. Getting back with Rihanna didn’t help. Dicking around on jetskis didn’t help. Going an entire basketball game without punching any women in the face didn’t help. And now it’s time for Chris Brown’s last roll of the dice – he’s trying to get his case dismissed.

But not in a normal, subtle way that would endear him to anybody, you understand. Chris Brown is trying to get his case dismissed by using the very piece of evidence that looked most likely to convict him in the first place – that police photo of Rihanna’s bashed-up face.

Even though the photo of Rihanna – taken right after she was allegedly punched in the face several times, bitten and choked unconscious – marked the exact moment where even Chris Brown’s biggest fans crossed from ‘it didn’t happen’ to ‘well alright, maybe it did happen, but only because Rihanna is a skank’, Chris Brown’s attorney says that its leak to the media might make a jury biased against Chris Brown. MTV reports:

Mark Geragos, the attorney representing Chris Brown in his felony assault case, told reporters outside of a Los Angeles courthouse on Wednesday morning (April 29) that he wants the case dismissed entirely, due to high-level leaks in the investigation. “Leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regard to outrageous governmental misconduct,” Geragos said.

This leaves us in an interesting position – it effectively means that if Chris Brown didn’t allegedly do such a good job on Rihanna’s face, then there’d be nothing to leak and therefore no reason to try and get the case dismissed. Chris Brown’s alleged brutality might be the one thing that sets him free.

Will Chris Brown’s case be dismissed? Or will it plough on regardless? Honestly, whichever one means it’ll be over quickest, we’ll be fine with that. There’s only a finite number of big teeth jokes you can tell, you know.

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