Hugh Grant Escapes Charges For Berserk Bean Attack

Hugh Grant Not Charged Baked Bean Attack AssaultHugh Grant is a lucky chap – not only does he have his rakish good looks, cut-glass accent and range of three facial expressions to his name, but he also doesn't get charged when he hurls Tupperware containers of baked beans at photographers.

It has been reported that Hugh Grant won't face any charges following claims that he angrily flung a tub of baked beans at a photographer before running up to him and kicking him near his home last month. The official word from the Crown Prosecution Service is that there's insufficient evidence to bring Hugh Grant down following his manic bean attack, although word on the street says that Hugh Grant wasn't charged because a formal charge doesn't exist for humourless posho ninnies who decant tinned foodstuffs into Tupperware tubs and then lob them at people who take pictures for a living.

We've never been more proud to be British. Get an American celebrity angry and they'll either shoot you in the cheek or run around with the number 666 scrawled across their head claiming to be the actual devil – but do the same to a British celebrity and there's a chance they might throw a spoon at you in a restaurant. A fucking spoon.

But just because you see a British celebrity around without a spoon, don't think you can start winding them up willy-nilly either. Because, as Hugh Grant apparently showed in April, even spoonless celebrities are able to weaponise plastic baked bean containers and catapult them at you as hard as they possibly can. When Hugh Grant was arrested after claims that he threw some beans at a man who was apparently trying to take pictures of Elizabeth Hurley, many people wondered why he chose something as hopeless as some baked beans in a tub as a fighting tool – especially when Hugh Grant has easy access to an army of wedding monkeys, that woman who is always handcuffed to him and, perhaps most frightening of all, Drew Barrymore.

But none of that matters any more, because it's not as if Hugh Grant is going to get charged for his apparent bean attack anyway, as BBC News reports:

Actor Hugh Grant will not be charged over claims he threw a tub of baked beans at a photographer, the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said. The star will also not be prosecuted in connection with allegations that he kicked the same photographer…  a CPS spokeswoman said that there was "insufficient evidence" to charge him over the kicking allegation.

It seems as if the account of the kicking incident by 'attacked' photographer Ian Whittaker didn't really match up with the accounts of other independent witnesses and, by all accounts, Hugh Grant throwing a tub of baked beans around like an angry hooligan was just too stupid an act to prosecute him for.

So Hugh Grant is a free man once again. Unfortunately, the power of not being charged for the alleged attack seems to have gone to Hugh Grant's head, and since he's been let off he's been on a terrifying near-constant rampage against those who have wronged him in the past, including violent acts of kicking someone's garden gnome over, knocking on someone else's door and running away, eating his mum's dinner and blaming it on the dog and doing a guff in a lift next to a clergyman.

Read more:

No Assault Charges For Hugh Grant – BBC 


  1. Roy Le Pre says

    Good for him, poor old bugger.

    They’re bloody mad, these paparazzi bastards. Were there actually to produce even vaguely interesting reports, subsequent to forcibly taking photographs of unsuspecting glitterati, then we would, I am sure, take an abundant level of interest in what it is they produce. Oh hang on – they don’t produce much at all, do they? Apart, that is, from tragic accidents (we haven’t forgotten Diana yet, and we can’t seem to forget why!) .

    Why, then, they should seek delight in harassing people like Grant is a mystery never to be solved, I am sure. Puzzle on puzzle on.