Now that he's split up with Jemima Khan, Hugh Grant is young free and single; well, free and single – and not especially free by the sound of it – since Hugh Grant's schedule is full of speech-writing and monkey-buying for Liz Hurley's wedding.
Even though he turned down the invitation to go to Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar's wedding just a couple of weeks ago, the sudden end of his relationship with Jemima Khan has meant that Hugh Grant is now allowed to speak to and look at other women again – and he's started by re-accepting Hurley's wedding invitation. But Hugh Grant has a few tricks up his sleeve – like the fully-grown chimpanzee he's bought to launch at Elizabeth Hurley's face at point blank range as some kind of moving hairy confetti alternative.
Or Hugh's just sponsored a monkey for Elizabeth Hurley and he won't be throwing it at anybody at all. Who's to actually say?
Hugh Grant's all over the bloody place lately. We'd kind of got used to seeing pictures of him grumping around on beaches with Jemima Khan and occasionally admitting to being a lesbian, but now we can't get rid of him. Go shopping and there's Hugh Grant, shirt undone to his navel and apparently in the throes of a mild stroke, on posters for Music And Lyrics. Turn on the TV and there's Hugh Grant, self-deprecatingly admitting that he's heroically rubbish at everything. Read a magazine and Hugh Grant is begging women to have his babies, read a newspaper and Hugh Grant is splitting up with that posh woman forever.
By our calculations, over the last few weeks we've seen enough of Hugh Grant to last us until 2019. Not that he'll go away though, because Hugh Grant is footloose and fancy-free, and that means he can go to the wedding of his ex-girlfriend and the rich Indian bloke she's getting married to. On March 3, Elizabeth Hurley will finally marry Arun Nayar after months of speculation and pregnancy rumours, even though India makes Elizabeth Hurley want to vomit. And, really, what could make the Hurley/ Nayar wedding more special than having Hugh Grant – Elizabeth Hurley's former boyfriend of 13 years – turning up as an usher and making a few wisecracks? Times Of India quotes a source:
"Hugh will be like a co-host alongside the best man on the day. He will be making a speech – but pointedly it will be clean. It will be a comedy turn, but there will be no smutty little asides of innuendos about the relationship they had all those years. Hugh will joke about how Elizabeth carried on like a right little Hitler when she produced him on Mickey Blue Eyes . He'll be asking Arun whether he really knows what he's taking on. To conclude he will speak of his happiness that Elizabeth has finally found a man who makes her fantastically happy."
hecklerspray has managed to get hold of a copy of a first draft of Hugh Grant's wedding speech, and here's an exclusive excerpt:
"Well, er, actually, er, ah, ah, ah, I'm rather, er, ah, eh, ah, er, ah, er, ah, er, ah, thrilled, um, actually, er, ah, um, ah, um…"
It goes on like that for over three million pages. But anyway – about Hugh Grant's monkey. Sadly Hugh hasn't bought Elizabeth Hurley a chimp that she can take home, dress up in a fez and smoking jacket and train to masturbate on command – he's really just sponsored a monkey in a zoo and named it Elizabeth. Why? Because Elizabeth Hurley's nickname for Hugh Grant used to be 'Monkey'.
You have to admire the class of Hugh Grant's monkey gift – after all, nothing says 'I wish you every happiness in your new marriage' like a present that directly alludes to the things the bride used to call you during sex, does it?