Irrational teenage girls, here’s a lesson – you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness.
It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor’s female teenage fanbase has kept him the job.
True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don’t pretend you’ll notice the difference.
New Moon – or Twilight 2 as we’re almost definitely going to call it forever simply because it annoys you – doesn’t need to do much to become a box office sensation on the scale of Twilight. All it needs is a rubbishy Paramore soundtrack, endless shots of Robert Pattinson sucking in his cheeks like a boy trying to dislodge a wedge of lamb from between his molars and the occasional subliminal flashcard reading things like ‘Never Have Sex’ and ‘Willies Give You Cancer’.
But we’ll be buggered if Summit Entertainment isn’t doing everything to arse it all up. First it sacked the director of Twilight and replaced her with the man who made The Golden Compass into such a mess, and then it let Robert Pattinson cut his hair – an act so disfiguring that he may as well have driven a bus over his own face.
Worst of all, though, Summit thought about giving the heave-ho to Taylor Lautner, the malnourished-looking pipecleaner who played Jacob Black in Twilight. You see, in New Moon Jacob Black rises from bit-player to lead – and a hulking werewolf of a lead at that – and Summit was concerned that it might be a misstep to let Taylor Lautner continue to play the part since a) he has the charisma of a soggy mattress and b) he has the physique of an oven-withered Gareth Gates action figure.
Taylor Lautner was set to be replaced on New Moon with Michael Copon, a man who still has the charisma of damp bedding but at least looks as if he can open doors without breaking into too much of an exhausted flopsweat. That was until the army of wailing, stomping, unstoppably awful 14-year-old ninnies who make up Twilight‘s fanbase decided to hold their breath until Taylor Lautner was kept on as Jacob Black in New Moon.
And now, as Reuters reports, it seemed like the plan worked:
“The characters in (author) Stephenie (Meyer)’s books go through extraordinary changes of circumstance and also appearance; so it is not surprising that there has been speculation about whether the same actor would portray a character who changes in so many surprising ways throughout the series,” Weitz wrote in a letter posted on Meyer’s website. “But it was my first instinct that Taylor was, is, and should be Jacob.”
Taylor Lautner has much to be thankful for, then. If it wasn’t for the support of all the Twilight fans, he might go down in history as simply ‘Twilight bit-part player Taylor Lautner’. But now he’s been elevated to a lead in New Moon he can be assured that he’ll grow up to be known as ‘hasbeen former childstar Taylor Lautner’. And hooray for that.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
Jeri Lynn Nelson says
This has to be the stupidest article I have ever read – you are an idiot.
sarah says
^thus spake a member of Taylor’s berserk quasi-emo female teenage fanbase
Wendy says
“Taylor
chance says
And that is pathetic.
HT says
Oooh this is the bit where we all have a go at Stuart for doing his job and doing it well, right? Ok, erm, you’re a poopyhead, and you should get a life and, and, and, erm, also a JOB, and how dare you, and, well, you get the idea.
Carry on.
mikey says
God bless you, all of you.
You weird little emos.
The sad old woman (57!? For fuck sake woman, this is a kids book and a kids film for people of kids intellectual capacity, and you’re off posting “everywhere” about some barely pubescent limp lettuce leaf of a BOY…you’re fucked!).
All you middle class kids whose sole contribution to the world has been to inflict bands like Paramore on people who actually know what music should sound like, purely on the basis that they play guitar, the lead singer’s a woman who wears dark eye make-up and they sing about your “feelings”, or some other such utter pish!
All of you.
You make me glad that I am not you.
And relax
nicole says
well mikey have you finished your litle rant? !
i am so glad taylors staying !!!!!!! =D
thank god.
and whoever wrote this, stuart or whatever, yeah your an complete idiot.
xtine says
lmao at the last comment…totally agree…taylor looks too boyish & too short, not to mention the worst wig i have ever seen…no competition w/ edward..on the other hand, if they change jacob w/ steven strait, then he would be a challenge for Edward as far as charisma goes..well i guess we’re stuck w/ taylor, no tenks to the screaming girls which Rob refers to as “the gate of hell”…lmao..take a hint and juss shut up and listen to wat he has to say…
Hannah says
You are a butthead.
Good day to you, sir.
Ellie.x says
One word:
idiot.
Hollie =] says
Stuart or whoever wrote this, you make me happy I’m not ANYTHING like you. What kind of stupid prat spends his free time writing an article about a person/film/book that he doesn’t even like? You utter freak, just leave the fans of Twilight and the film actors ALONE. Making articles like this doesn’t make you ANY better a person, so why the hell do you bother? People like you really piss me off, you call twilight fans emos? What about you, spending all your time whining about a fucking BOOK. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, because newsflash: no one gives a SHIT about what you think. Apologies for the outburst everyone, but people like this should really get a bloody life.
Gilbert Wham says
See, this is wht I love the ‘spray. God I love angry retards. And Wendy, I trust all the parents round your way keep an eye on their teenage sons. You’re not allowed to work with children, I hope?
Lynnette says
FUCK!!! Are they trying to ruin the book???? Jacob grows almost 7 feet tall by the end of New Moon. What the hell is Taylor going to do? Stand on a chair? His face is too babyish – – He has to age 5 years in appearance!! ALL I’VE EVERY ASKED IS FOR THE MOVIE PEOPLE TO STAY TRUE TO THE BOOK. And I’ve heard rumors that the screenplay somehow found ways to sneak Robert into the movie in places where he’s not suppose to be. WHAT THE HELL!!??? HIS ROLE IS SUPPOSE TO BE SMALL IN NEW MOON. IT’S ALL ABOUT BELLA AND JAKE!!!!
Chloe says
well that just sums you up in about hmmmm. . . one word: IDIOT if you dont freakin’ like twilight then dont write about it SIMPLE leave the twilight fans ALONE.
Elizabeth says
stop being such an ass you freakin jerk! Taylor is not scrawny! he could probably knock you out! and paramore isnt rubbish! Same for Rob! hes freakin awesom hater! And so, just because we are obnixous doesnt mean we’er “bersek quasi-emo” girls
maree says
i can not wait 2 reread the twilight seriues…………
Brittany says
YES! I completely agree. When I first read the series–books back to back–I saw Jacob very similar to how Bella did: just as a good friend, understood that he had feelings for Bella past platonic ways but for her, because she couldn
willow says
I like the part about robert he is a turn off compared to jacob and boY JACOB IS HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
willow says
I agree with you gurl i mean LEAVE TWILIGHT ALONE FUCKING HATER AND IF U DONT LIKE THAT THEN TUFF SHIT
Caitlin says
Whoever wrote this is clearly some sad little loser who has nothing better to do with his time than to make people feel like shit for liking a series of books and films – who are you to make us feel bad for being passionate about something?
But apart from that, I’m glad that Taylor stayed as Jacob, although I’m getting a teensy bit pissed off with girls’ obssession with his abs, but that’s neither here nor there – I thought he didn’t do too bad a job playing the male lead in New Moon, considering his age and all, although personally I’m an Edward/Rob fan (sorry! :D).
Can’t wait for Eclipse – the new stills are beautiful!!
Fuck off Twi-haters! If you don’t have anything constructive to say then don’t say anything at all – no body wants to hear it!