Some say that Kirstie Alley is a thin woman trapped in a fat woman’s body. She isn’t. That description is way off the mark.
No, instead it’d be fairer to say that Kirstie Alley is 15 dangerously obese women trapped inside a giant latex statue of the ‘two weeks’ woman from Total Recall. And that’s not cruelty – Kirstie Alley said it herself to Oprah Winfrey. Well, almost. We might have paraphrased a bit.
Anyway, Kirstie Alley is fat again. Maybe our dream of seeing a sweaty, massive-arsed, type-2 diabetic remake of Look Who’s Talking isn’t so far away any more.
Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey have got so much in common. They both used to be famous actresses, they both share the same hopelessly wayward belief that the general public gives a toss about their personal lives and – most importantly – every couple of years they’ll both suddenly swell up like a pair of infected spider bites and waddle about looking glum until the nearest passing huckster offloads an implausible and possibly dangerous crash-diet onto them.
Everyone knows that Oprah Winfrey is fat again, partially because she seems determined to burn off all her extra calories exclusively by writing about how sad her fat legs make her feel. But Kirstie Alley? Surely not – after all, it was only a few years ago that she was on Oprah strutting around in a bikini like a middle-aged divorcee with an artificially inflated sense of self-worth.
But sadly it’s true. Kirstie Alley hasn’t so much porked out as eaten all the pigs, the farmer, the farmer’s tractor, the factory where the tractor was made, the county that housed the factory and the entire concept of regional land division. But don’t think that Kirstie Alley is happy about looking like Jabba The Hutt’s transsexual cousin – she’s not.
And yesterday Kirstie Alley appeared on Oprah to tell everyone watching – or at least those who weren’t convinced that they’d accidentally stumbled across footage of a new interracial female sumo league – just how unhappy she was. Access Hollywood reports:
?It's humiliating,? she told Oprah. ?The most painful thing for me is that I have all these people that I inspired and then I let them down… I do better if I have some pressure on me,? Kirstie said. ?When I didn't have that anymore ? I just said, ?I'm going to cut myself some slack.? Big mistake… I've hated myself,? she continued. ?You beat yourself up, and I [asked myself], ?What am I doing???
Actually we do feel for Kirstie Alley a bit. She made such a big deal of shoving how thin she was down everyone’s throats a few years ago that gaining all her weight back must be fairly humiliating for her. Worse still, Kirstie Alley is only six months away from launching her brand new range of diet products, and she’s hardly going to make a convincing spokeswoman while she looks like a female Meat Loaf impersonator, is she?
It’s a shame, because we heard that Kirstie Alley’s diet plan was a great one – apparently she comes round your house and eats your dinner for you.
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Cynnergies says
Maate! This might possibly be your funniest post yet. I’m sending this to everyone who I have ever met. Right now.
Electric Spectre says
Fuckin’ ‘ell! A big fat actress is kind of an easy target, but that was overkill! Laugh out loud brilliant overkill. You didn’t so much cross the line as squeeze one out on it. Love it. More like this please!
Whiney Surfer says
*Pre-empting the inevitable*
Blah blah why are you so mean? Blah guff drivel Kirsty has achieved more than you blah. Blah blah I feel sorry for you blah blah. Burble burble why can’t everyone be nice blah I hope you die alone blah dribble. I’ve wet myself again.
Sean Mac says
I`ve had to go one TWO diets! i wasn`t getting enough food on one fucker.
Brenda says
I think EVERYONE should quit making such a fuss over weight. It is like smoking…it is up to the individual. If they want to take a chance on diabetes or death…that is their own personal choice.
As for me…I think Kirstie and Oprah look fine. And no…I am not overweight.
Commentator says
Maybe she should be sponsored by Krispy Kreme instead of Jenny Craig.
gilbert wham says
Oh, I’m pretty sure you are.
ICYM says
I must agree with everyone else on this matter. Stuart Heritage’s pieces are always good, but this is one of his best.
It makes me laugh that Kirstie Alley thinks she let down the people that she once inspired. She never inspired them, she just used to be a hot chick for young teenagers to whack off to – she was M.I.L.F.
But now she’s not – she’s just a hippocrockopig that people wouldn’t touch with a stolen dick.
catmama71222 says
My fiance Tivo’d this episode of Oprah. We both think that Kristi is gorgeous. She only needs to quit worrying abt makeing others happy and find her real audience. I’m a BBW and my fiance is a FA. This is a population of people that is increasing in more than just pounds. I am 50 and just found my man back in July, and finally I have found true happiness and bliss. Diets suck and do more mental harm than anyone should have to ever endure. I wish Kristi would do a talk show that is targeted for fat audiences only, so skinny people that are so repulsed by fat can just simply turn the channel and continue the fantasy that everyone should be skinny. I have many thin and average size friends and I wouldnt change them for the world. But I just wish people would one day get over this crap of ignorance of stimatising people that are fine with being fat. I cant change being fat any more than a Michael Jackson can change being black.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
I’m not mad at her; She’s American.
What.
If you lived in a country like this, you’d comfort-eat your freaking ass off, too. =)
dL says
She should move to saudi arabia and enter the miss saudi arabia morale beauty pageant, first prize is probably a prize goat or something she can eat!
jen says
I think she is big, blonde and beautiful!
Steve says
I think she is just big.
jackie says
I think all you people should just shut and let her live her own life ‘ all of the people that critize her is beacause you guys don’t have a life and are ignorant
P
DocTweeter says
You know what makes me laugh the hardest is that the small chance that the whale herself is laying on her couch covered in cheetos and ranch dressing reading this post on Teh internetz crying, wheezing and piling more bricks of velveeta through an IV port in her arm.