Fatties! Are you still hurting because you never got to try out that Jessica Simpson fitness DVD?
Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.
No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.
Obesity is getting to be a real global epidemic these days, as anyone who's had to spend an eight-hour flight perched next to a gigantic, snoring, belching one-and-a-half seat-taking lardarse who you semi-honestly believe to be fat enough to crash through the bottom of the plane taking you with them will agree. But it's OK, because Kirstie Alley is on the case.
You know, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers, then gave it up to do nothing but sit at home force-feeding herself quesadillas like some kind of ginormous Mexican foie gras goose. Kirstie Alley even made Fat Actress, a TV show about how grossly overweight she was, to prove that actually she was quite happy being the size of a small European municipality. And then, deliberately undermining the point of Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley lost some weight, went on Oprah in a bikini and hasn't bloody shut up about it since.
Kirstie Alley credits much of her weight loss to Jenny Craig, the slimming company that says you'll probably only get thin if you eat pre-packaged food that's got 'Jenny Craig' written all over the front. And so vocal was Kirstie Alley about Jenny Craig that she ended up being the company's spokesperson for a while.
But not any more – Kirstie Alley has jacked in her spokesperson role and wants to devise a way for people to lose weight herself. According to The Associated Press:
"After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday. Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride." Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009.
Don't feel bad for Jenny Craig, though. It's got another celebrity spokesperson in place already – Queen Latifah. Yes, we know that she's not actually that thin, but perhaps she's cheap or something.
As for Kirstie Alley, she'll spend the rest of the year slaving over her own weight-loss program. She'll put everything she has into figuring out a scientific explanation for why people get fat and the methods in which they can reverse the trend.
And then next year Kirstie Alley will emerge from her supersize bunker clutching the heavy 1,000-page manuscript of her weight-loss formula – 999 pages of which will be blank, with the remaining one containing the words 'try eating less' in tiny print. Thanks Kirstie, you genius.
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mst3kster says
I can just imagine dieters the world over pulling her entrees out of the freezer, opening it up, and instead of something maybe edible, it’s only a big photo of her butt-ugly mug staring back. Not only would these people lose weight, they’d vomit themselves right into instant Bulimia.