These Christians have a rough old time, don't they? They have to spend their whole life behaving in a certain way in case their gamble pays off and they end up going to heaven, and what do they get in return?
Well apart from eating bread and drinking wine and pretending that it's actually been peeled of Jesus' freshly-baked, alcohol-based body – which is kinda cool – all their films are crap. Think about it; when was the last time you saw a Christian film that wasn't chronically overlong and about as stimulating as carbon monoxide? Twentieth Century Fox knows that Christians have got it bad when it comes to movies, and so it's launching FoxFaith – a new label that will release one religious movie to DVD just about every month, starting with a dramatisation of Johnathan Edwards' life, where Jesus makes him do a good triple jump and then personally lasers his eyes better ten years later. OK, it's not – but it should be.
This year hasn't been a particularly good year for Christians, what with Madonna determined to rip off Jesus' idea of getting crucified – and then doing it all over the world – one of the biggest films of the year, The Da Vinci Code, being about the chances of Jesus doing it with a whore and then giving birth to Amelie and the poster boy for Christian movies, Mel Gibson, getting boozed up, slagging off all the fucking Jews and calling a woman "sugar tits." As far as PR campaigns go, it's not really up there with the best.
But, Christians, at least Fox is on your side. Because Fox wants to coin it in by exploiting your superstitions take you by the hand and show you the way of the Lord, it is launching FoxFaith – a movie label dedicated to only making films about God and Jesus and that. Reuters reports:
The new FoxFaith banner will acquire Christian-themed films produced outside the studio and release them on DVD, with the help of a marketing network tied into 90,000 churches and 14 million households nationwide, said Steve Feldstein, a spokesman for 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment. FoxFaith also plans to help market theatrical releases for six to 12 such movies a year, most of them small-budget productions in the $5 million range, through a deal with specialty distributor the Bigger Picture, he said.
You don't need telling that this is mostly down to the success of The Passion Of The Christ, Mel Gibson's Jesus movie that – despite being a bit too long, and made in a language that nobody speaks, and being more upsettingly violent that a thousand Pulp Fictions – made $612 million around the world. However, The Passion Of The Christ was a movie about the most important day of Jesus' life and, now that has been covered and the Resurrection has been pinched too, subsequent movies would be of less interest – like a film about the day Jesus was riding about on his donkey and he say an amusingly-shaped tree stump, for example.
Also, the tiny $5 million FoxFaith budget means that the Old Testament is out too, unless they make some concessions and show Noah getting onboard an inflatable dinghy with a guinea pig in a shoe box, or Moses being handed the ten commandments by a bloke with a spiral notepad and a chewed-up biro. Instead, the first FoxFaith movie will be Love's Abiding Joy, a movie about the pioneers having a test of faith.
Yeah, we know it sounds crappy but – seriously – if it's a choice between that or whatever new film Ben Affleck decides to be in, it's Love's Abiding Joy all the way, baby.
Read more:
Fox launches new Christian home-video unit – Reuters
[story by Stuart Heritage]
Gerry says
I dunno, the guniea pig/shoebox idea sounds like a good one to me. Fingers crossed the Christian God is the real God, or else anyone who watches Love’s Abiding Joy will end up going to hell. That’s the way these things work, isn’t it?
Wilbur says
I can’t wait. I love laughing at Christian films and I’ll go make a scene at every single one.
Mark says
Why knock the Christians? Because you can. They won’t blow you up. Now go look at your porn.
Michael says
nice article :)
retards. all of them. the ironic thing is, most will line up to buy this crap without even giving a side-thought to the fact that they are being exploited.
greed. the reason why the USA is dead (or will be dying soon). we better start brushing up on/learning Chinese, because we are going to have to work off the debt of the Iraq “War” they are financing for us, and will need to effectively commuincate with our debtors. i’m considering defection to a coutnry where the president is actually elected by the people. someplace like Venezuela.
hey “Mark”? what’s worse? looking at porn, or raping altar boys and other small children?
WAKE UP! sex is a condition of human life. sex isn’t pornographic. sensless violence is.
Christ-ians… *sigh*
Child of THE KING says
Jesus died for you, each one of you. He is coming again and judgement is really going to take place for YOU. I suggest , in love of course, that you get born again. My Jesus will forgive you. Life is short , so I think it would be a good idea if you took this oppurtunity to repent,and ask God to have mercy on you before your life ends.My Jesus rebukes every spirit of antichrist
by the power of the BLOOD of the CROSS.
ward says
Does this mean twentieth century fox is looking for the religious tax free income loop hole? I think we all ready have enough war mongering free loaders.
Enough already!
Bob says
Maybe we should look at why there are 90,000 Christian Churches and 14 million households interested in this. Maybe you’re the one not getting it. If you don’t believe now, someday when you die, you will. God is real.
DeusXM says
Yeah, and 400 years ago, everyone thought the Sun revolved around the earth.
Just because large numbers of people believe in something doesn’t make it true.
counterbalance says
As much as I want to debate some of these goofy comments, here’s a balanced Christian perspective to Heckler’s post.
Kudos to Fox and any other corporation for attempting to recognize Christians and their needs. Face it, we’re just like any demographic, we have buying power…even voting power. I think America has seen that in action.
What’s entertainment without vulgar language, violence, and nudity? Seriosly, what’s the point in watching? It’s not like Hollywood is exactly creating any box office blowouts this year with all of that! Why can’t a good movie be made without dropping an f-bomb every two seconds and nudity every other scene?
I will say that some of the “moral” entertainment out there is boring. ‘Tis the problem I will probably have with FoxFaith. They’ll create morally distorted films under the Christian umbrella. Sad thing is Christians will buy it. As you pointed out, the down side is funding. Christian film companies don’t have the budgets to make a truly appealing movie. Instead, were stuck with cheesey effects and poor scripts.
One other thing, The Passion Of The Christ violent–seriously! Did you see Kill Bill vol I & II…Saving Private Ryan…and plenty more. Passion was the only movie where cinemas actually placed violent movie disclaimers at the ticket window. Talk about ridiculous and unbalanced.
kathy says
Reading this post and these comments makes me very, very sad. I am an intelligent, educated, emotionally and physically fit & attractive 35 year old woman who believes in God and His Son, Jesus Christ. I have always believed, this is not something that has been shoved down my throat. It is easy to believe when you are on your knees, asking for God’s help, because you can FEEL His presence, and He wants you to feel it, it’s no secret, and it’s not reserved for Bible thumping, “You are all going to Hell” preachers and their congregation.
I have not always done things the right way, I have made some stupid decisions in my life which hurt myself and others around me. At times I have acted out of selfishness, greed, pride, I have been impulsive and stupid. At 35, I hope I have learned from my mistakes, and I continue to try to be a better person, and I will do all I can to help those around me become better as well. Does this make me a hypocrite, because I have acted out of both good and bad intentions in this life? Can I not offer advice or share a thought or make a suggestion because I have not walked a perfectly straight line?
I am not a mindless sheep following the herd out of fear, guilt, or any other human emotion that might motivate me to do something that I did not want to do in the first place. I choose to believe in Jesus and His message, there is no one holding a knife to my throat, there is no fear that I may rot in a grave rather than live eternally in another place, there has been no brainwashing, i don’t buy the “you’re all going to hell” rhetoric… This – Christianity – is not the hard way, on the contrary, things have always gone more smoothly for me, and I have experienced my greatest moments of joy and happiness when I am heading and following the message that Jesus brought to mankind. It is a simple one. Love One Another. His message was love. Treat your neighbor as you would be treated.
There are “kooks” in all walks of life, including Christianity. Please don’t label me or my fellow Christians because of a few bad apples who have spoiled the bunch. I am an individual, I do not follow the masses, I follow one person. And you know who that is.