As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.
So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.
What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.
This morning Heather Mills woke up a new women. Her saggy-faced pensioner of an estranged husband Paul McCartney had become her saggy-faced pensioner of an ex-husband and she had £24.3 million of divorce settlement money to blow on whatever she wanted. But is Heather Mills happy?
No she isn't. Heather Mills may have won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney, but she was reportedly angling for much more than that. So how did Heather Mills take out her anger on the verdict? By rushing over to the nearest group of television cameras and babbling in a demented way for 11 minutes about how brilliant she is and how shit Paul McCartney is while giving the impression that she's going to hand over the full total to charity even though she probably won't?
Well, yes, admittedly Heather Mills did do exactly that, but only after she poured a glass of water of the head of Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer. Like we said, classy. The Sun reports:
And as the hearing ended, witnesses said Mucca calmly picked up the water and soaked lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Heather, 40, last night refused to admit pouring the water, which judge Mr Justice Bennett could have viewed as contempt. But she laughingly boasted that Ms Shackleton, 51, had been “baptised in court” — and a source confirmed to The Sun that she was behind the attack. A witness said: “Heather tipped the water over Fiona’s head. She didn’t throw it. It was cool, calm and collected. It trickled down Fiona’s neck. She waited until the hearing was over. The judge would have taken a very dim view of it if he’d seen it.”
Fiona Shackleton should be lucky that it was Heather Mills who attacked her, if anything. Had it been Paul McCartney holding the glass there'd have been a stabby stabby bloodbath – and that's as near to fact as we can comfortably allude to without fear of a lawsuit for defamation.
Anyway, it's likely that we'll eventually hear about Heather Mills' divorce water-attack from the horse's mouth sooner or later because, as Heather Mills said in her weird rant yesterday, she's been forced into silence over the divorce for the last 21 months and now it's her turn to talk.
And given that her definition of 'silence' is 'one berserk screaming British breakfast TV interview, another two berserk interviews on American television shows, a weepy interview about how she isn't a golddigger on American TV, an even weepier radio interview and a six-week stint on a spangly one-legged televised backflip competition', we get the feeling that there's going to be an awful lot of talking.
We suppose our real point here, though, is that an angry Heather Mills is better than a happy Heather Mills. Because, in the name of all that's holy, have you ever seen Heather Mills smile? She looks like a bad impressionist painting of a constipated hairdresser who's straining for a poo, trying to bend a metal girder with her hands and attempting to work out advanced partial differential equations in her head all at the same time. With brainfreeze. Nobody wants to see that.
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Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca's lawyer Shacka – The Sun