Some advice – if Foxy Brown ever asks for your opinion on how she looks, do whatever you can to appease her; one wrong word or funny look and Foxy Brown will blowtorch your face like that Japanese kid from Hostel, especially if you own a shop.
Last month saw Foxy Brown go apeshit in a Florida beauty shop for sitting on a toilet and playing with her hair while the store was closing or something. It's claimed this made Foxy Brown start furiously spitting and spraying glue around until a policeman was forced to rugby-tackle her to the ground; an act which managed to violate the terms of her probation – for doing more or less the exact same thing three years ago – in three different ways. But a judge has taken kindly to Foxy Brown, and has refused to send the rapper to jail for her probation-breaking, at least until the next time she has a blazing violent meltdown in the middle of a shop. Apparently they'll be keeping her cell warm.
It's actually the law that – unless you're a dead topless model or a bald nutter – you can't be in the news this week unless your surname is Brown. In the last few days we've seen James Brown get pumped for DNA, Bobby Brown get banged up and recent I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here contestant Faith Brown climb into a zoo at midnight and machine-gun a herd of mountain lions to death while doing a semi-convincing impression of Kate Bush. Except the last one. Anyway, keen to jump on the bandwagon, tiny female rapper Foxy Brown has elbowed her way into the news as well.
Foxy Brown's irrational hatred of shops is well known – back in 2004 Foxy Brown went loopy in a nail salon, kicking and punching workers over a $20 bill. In the subsequent court case Foxy Brown couldn't decide how guilty she was and narrowly avoided a jail sentence, instead receiving heavy probation terms. And then everything was right with the world again, at least until Foxy Brown did almost the exact same thing last month.
Regular readers will remember how – upon being asked to stop titting around with her hair on a toilet at closing time in a Florida beauty supplies shop – Foxy Brown went berserk, spitting at the shop owner, spraying glue everywhere and generally trying to Hulk-smash the place to sawdust with her fists. It was at this point that she was forcefully taken down by a police officer – something which Foxy Brown is calling police brutality – but that doesn't disguise the fact that Foxy Brown broke the terms of her probation by a) leaving New York without getting a judge's permission, b) being in Florida at the same time as she should have been attending one of her court-ordered anger management classes and c) smashing up a shop like an angry nobsack.
Commentators feared that this latest bout of violent shop-spazzing would lead to Foxy Brown ending up in jail, but at a hearing yesterday Foxy Brown pleaded guilty and was spared, as E! Online reports:
The tantrum-happy hip-hopster, whose real name is Inga Marchand, pleaded guilty Thursday to a probation violation for traveling outside New York without the permission of authorities. Despite calls from prosecutors and probation officials to lock up the rapper immediately, Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Melissa Jackson said she'd give Brown one more chance—"a third chance… Three strikes and you're out. Basically, I'll be giving the keys to the jailhouse to Ms. Marchand," said Jackson."I'm reserving the right to resentence you to jail for one year." … "I believe Judge Jackson believes I'm trying to work hard," Brown told reporters outside the courthouse. "She seems to be saying, 'I'm pulling for you, kiddo.'"
It'd certainly be step up for Foxy Brown if she managed to go into a shop in the near future without razing it to the ground with another one of her temper-tantrums, but we'd like to see this judge Melissa Jackson fired for incompetency – as far as punishments go, giving Foxy Brown "the keys to the jailhouse" seems woefully ill-considered. Surely if you gave a criminal the keys to the jailhouse, they'd run around unlocking all the cells and freeing all the other prisoners. Seriously, it'd be like Jumanji or Superman II or something.
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gretna says
This Brown family seems to be getting in an awful lot of trouble lately… not like the Smith… oh