Eva Longoria is just about our favourite celebrity ever – instead of whining on about press intrusion all the time, all Eva Longoria wants to do is tell you everything about her life in such intricate detail that you just end up wanting to drown her.
Recently Eva Longoria got married to professional athlete Tony Parker. We know this because Eva Longoria wouldn't shut up about it. And now Eva Longoria has returned from her honeymoon, we expect it'll be a couple of weeks at best before Eva Longoria manages to distill the intrinsically private joy that comes when two people in love can get married and then spend a period of time enjoying nothing but each other's company. Oh, who are we kidding, Eva Longoria has blabbity-blabbed all about her honeymoon already to People magazine. Fans of the words "romantic" and "great" and "alone" are advised to read on.
Of all the Desperate Housewives, it's probably Eva Longoria that gets the most attention. Felicity Huffman might be a better actress and Marcia Cross might have nicer hair and Teri Hatcher might have more shards of glass embedded in her eye, but Eva Longoria is the reason everyone watches. Because everyone wants to know if anything that happens on Desperate Housewives will ever equal the stupidity of what goes on in Eva Longoria's real life.
We'll admit to a little trepidation when Eva Longoria announced her marriage to Tony Parker because, as a singleton, Eva Longoria was a goldmine of ridiculous news. Sure, lots of women have been on the cover of Maxim before, but only Eva Longoria has been on a cover of Maxim so big you can see it from space. And lots of women have spoken about their boyfriends in print before, but only Eva Longoria has used the opportunity to describe how bad hers is at sex. You can see where we're going here, so we'll just add that only Eva Longoria talks about her vagina like it cures cancer and that only Eva Longoria can make global headlines by falling over.
After Eva Longoria married Tony Parker in Paris we thought that'd be the end of that phase of her life and she'd settle down and focus all her attention on her husband instead of mercilessly promoting herself in whatever way she can. And maybe she will, but first she needs to yak about her Caribbean honeymoon to People magazine:
Asked to describe her post-wedding celebratory trip with new husband Tony Parker, the Desperate Housewives star, 32, tells PEOPLE: "It was so romantic, it was just the two of us. We were completely alone together. We didn't see people for days with the exception of room service bringing us food." Longoria, who returned to work on her series Monday, added, "It was great to be completely, 100-percent alone."
Well, 100-percent alone apart from whoever it was regularly tipping off the magazines about all the things that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker were getting up to on their honeymoon, obviously. But, hey, who else other than Eva Longoria could possibly think about expounding the joys of total privacy to a magazine with close to four million readers and one of the 500 most-read websites in the world. That'll get people to leave you alone in the future.
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Heidi says
I love you, Stuart Heritage. Absolutely. Love. You. Do you think Eva Longoria for Victoria Beckham is a fair swap? How about we throw in some US territory for good measure? Nobody’s using Rhode Island much these days. How ’bout it? If I have to withstand Posh’s scowling refusals to eat, the least you can is dig a little of E-Lo’s bubbling “charm.”
Again. Love. You.
Gilbert Wham says
I’ll take the rocky mountains, but only if you’ll deliver.
pandy says
i’m really sorry.. but are you KIDDING?! camaan, she’s the best and she doesn’t tell the press about her life at all. if you want proof then look at how her and tony are handling their divorce. she’s no different to anyone else (except she’s way better and fitter and nicer) the only way in which she exploits her celebrity status is to use it to help her with her philanthropy. YEAH