An open letter to batching males,
Hello batching males, you are all totally effed. Well, not all of you are effed, to be sure. Those of you hiding in trees, pretending you're fauna or currently getting thrown in prison are just fine. Those of you a little slow on the uptake though, you're all boned to the Nth degree – and that is way down the alphabet.
If you're reading this in the middle of an open field, while speed dating, or on the dusty set of Starship Troopers, it's probably too late. Yes, you are probably already in the centre of a pink-girly target without a prayer – because Denise Richards is back on the market. She and Richie Sambora are no more.
Now we know what the more optimistic of you are thinking – but this woman used to pick the mites out of Charlie Sheen's curly Q's, so why would you…oh never mind.*
Seriously, focus! We're trying to help you here.
Denise Richards & Richie Bon Jovi (is that his name?) got together just after RBJ divorced his own male drummer. Source check – hang on – no, that information actually appears quite accurate. Way to go homeless source! It's only the news that broke after HT (Homeless Troy) lost his bottle-battle that his information gets spotty. Go ahead and sleep in our entrance anytime, chum.
Actually, HT's never ever been right before, but deleting all those words would take like half an hour – the paragraph stays. You know what though? It doesn't really matter because the only thing that pertains to today's article is that Denise Richards and her love-bug Richie Bon Jovi have broken up. As the singles community from both genders casually lock their doors, we have a pretty boring comment from a Richards friend:
"Denise and Richie broke up two months ago. They didn't want to make it public because they lived through public divorces and it was very painful."
That quote is so dull – but it was also the best available. To make up for it's lack of lustre, we went and got a Denise-oriented quote of our own. It's from a strapping young Maui resident named Ryan Stevens, who once touched Denise's hand to give her change. By all accounts he had a super experience:
"As she passed me the money for candles, her touch easily filled the emptiness of my soul & overshadowed my fear of her moustache. She's a wonderfully misunderstood woman."
OK friends, just read the moustache thing one more time, realise this means Richards has a very caterpillar-like upper lip, and move on. If you dwell on it she'll clonk you with a laptop and use her resurgent friendship with Charlie Sheen to try to pressure him into pornographically killing you.
Need we remind you about the mites?*
Read More:
Denise Richards and Richie Sambora Are Splitsville – Post Chronicle
*Nobody has any mites.
Judy says
Someday you will hear about me, and we will discuss about two points: your particular way of writing and how much I hate when someone messes up with my stuff.