You can shove your statements about how you still deeply respect each other; what we want in celebrity divorces are tangled love lives, dead pornstars and implied paedophilia. In short, what we want is the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce.
The Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce, you see had all of this in spades, and featured a cast including Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, one of Bon Jovi, the short blond man from Just Shoot Me and the corpse of a prostitute. Imagine our disappointment, then, when we realised that Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards had released as statement about how amicable they were being to each other. Screw the welfare of the children, Charlie and Denise, think about us!
In the future, all divorces will be judged against the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce, such was the bitter and confusing level of intensity displayed by all parties. Sure, people are saying that the Paul McCartney and Heather Mills divorce is nasty, but any old bastard can change a lock and call the police – the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce was so needlessly nasty that it was almost more of an art installation than a divorce.
First Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards split up, then got back together and then filed for divorce, and that's where things get exciting. Denise Richards hinted that Charlie might have been into kiddie porn, and maybe even had something to do with the death of a pornstar prostitute, while Denise Richards hooked up with Richie Sambora – the ex-husband of her best friend Heather Locklear, who somehow ended up with David Spade from Just Shoot Me. Still with us? You're doing very well. In short, the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce all got a bit ugly.
But no more – although the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce hasn't yet been finalised, the estranged couple did get their lawyers to make this joint statement:
"Both parties have amicably resolved any outstanding issues on an interim basis."
Whatever that means, it sounds like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are more or less friends again, perhaps even that the restraining order that Denise Richards took out against Charlie Sheen might not be renewed. Who'd have thought that the shittest-ever Bond girl and the div from Terminal Velocity would have been capable of such excitement?
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[story by Stuart Heritage]