We take back everything we ever said about David Blaine – staying upside down for 60 hours is an incredible feat of endurance.
At least we presume it is. And David Blaine probably presumes the same thing, too, because it’s not like he’d know what being upside down for 60 hours is actually like or anything. You see, it’s emerged that David Blaine actually gives himself two 10-minute breaks every hour where he can drop to the ground and have a bit of a rest. Why? Because – and this is true – David Blaine finds weeing upside down slightly uncomfortable.
Still, never one to bow to his detractors, David Blaine will end his stunt tonight and immediately begin training for his next stunning feat of endurance. We hear it involves him spending 45 minutes in a luxury hotel suite being fed peeled grapes by a cluster of top supermodels while Angelina Jolie occasionally dabs single beads of sweat from his brow with a tuft of unicorn fur. Truly, that man is a machine.
David Blaine’s Dive Of Death stunt comes to an end in New York tonight, and it’s a stunt that he’s bound to look back on fondly. Because David Blaine put his body through torture for months on end ahead of that task. He risked blindness for his art. His head could have exploded at any point.
But most impressive of all, David Blaine only took 20 minutes off each hour. Just 20 minutes to drop to the floor, have a drink, go to the toilet, chat with fans, let a team of medical experts check him over. Why, over the course of his 60-hour stunt, that means that David Blaine was only not doing his advertised stunt for 20 hours. Just 20 hours!
That’s not even enough time to watch an entire season of 24. Well, unless you’re skipping the adverts, in which case you could easily watch an entire season of 24 and still have plenty of time left for half a round of golf. Honestly, someone should give David Blaine a medal for his incredible 66% productivity.
Despite this, some people have twigged that David Blaine’s upside down stunt is only two-thirds upside down, and they’ve started to get a bit narked off with him, calling him a cheater and generally belittling his accomplishments.
But David Blaine isn’t having any of it. He knows that urinating upside down into a catheter might make his kidneys a bit sore and, really, have you tried swallowing water upside down? It can be slightly difficult sometimes. That’s why David Blaine was forced to defend his part-time stunt to the New York Daily News:
“I’m not going to pee all over myself to satisfy those people,” he said as he dangled like a bat Tuesday night. “It’s pretty hard-core, worse than I thought.”
Quite right, David Blaine shouldn’t have pee over himself to satisfy his fans. Can’t a man just hang upside down by himself as part of a large internationally-hyped attention-seeking stunt any more? Who do they think they are, buying the products to fund the companies who pay for advertising on his TV specials? The gawking consumerist bastards.
In fact, we’re just slightly disappointed that David Blaine didn’t think of this ‘breaking the rules of his own stunts whenever he gets a bit uncomfortable’ scheme before. That way he could have hopped out of his giant water tank every time his fingers got a bit wrinkly, or lowered his box above London to the ground for a slap-up meal every time KFC had an offer on, or – rather than stand encased in ice for 63 hours – David Blaine could have just sat in a lovely big armchair next to an open fire drinking mulled wine indoors for 32 seconds.
Or something.
J Bollocks says
News just to hand:
“But Blaine had one more illusion for his fans.
After ending his suspension, he plummeted some 13.4 metres from the top of the scaffold, swinging briefly from an attached cable. He then ascended and seemingly disappeared into the night sky high above the park.”
So it wasn’t all bad what with him disappearing, although some might say he could have done better by not appearing at all.