David Blaine Idiot Update: Upside Down & Expecting Us To Care

As we speak, David Blaine is hanging upside down six storeys above Central Park, and nobody seems to have told him that it’s a crap idea.

Nobody seems to know exactly why David Blaine has decided to hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours in a row without food or sleep. It’s probably best to presume that it’s just another one of those attention-seeking stunts he does from time to time because his mother didn’t hug him very often. However, with this stunt David Blaine runs the risk of doing some very serious damage to himself.

Apparently some kind of medical genius has decided that being upside down for 60 hours might make the blood go to David Blaine’s head, which could harm his eyesight. Bad news for David Blaine, but good news for those of us who want the stunt to end with David Blaine’s eyeballs popping out of his head, sending jets of blood spraying around in all directions over a crowd of screaming onlookers.

And, face it, deep down that’s all of us.

We never really know where to stand on the whole David Blaine thing. On one hand his stunts are a perfect example of spectacle as public art, but on the other hand he’s a smug wanker and we constantly pray that he fails at everything he ever does. It’s a fine line to walk.

In recent years, David Blaine has pushed his body to its very limit by going wrinkly then almost drowning while trapped in what appeared to be a giant transparent anal bead and then sort of spinning around a bit. But it seems as though those stunts were just David Blaine’s warm-up for his new adventure, which started this morning. For now, readers, David Blaine is going to hang upside down for 60 hours.

Actually, that sounds rubbish, doesn’t it? We think the problem is this - David Blaine really ruined the endurance aspect of his shtick when he sat in a box above London for 40 days. 40 days seems quite a long time. If someone stayed in bed for 40 days it’d be quietly impressive. So when David Blaine announces that he’s only going to div around upside down for 60 poxy hours, it seems like a cop-out. We want David Blaine to hang upside down for three months until his head becomes the size of a big red life-raft and his legs and genitals have withered away to string. 60 hours is rubbish.

Except it’s not. Apparently if David Blaine hangs around upside down for the full 60 hours, he’ll probably go blind. And, oddly enough, not because he plans to spend those 60 hours constantly masturbating over passers by like like sort of horrific upside down flying tramp. Monsters And Critics reports:

Dr Massimo Napolitano, chief of vascular surgery at the Hackensack University Medical Center, New Jersey, told the Bergen Record newspaper that hanging upside down for a long time increases blood pressure in the head, especially in the eyes. This can cause blindness. “My biggest concern for him is possible clotting in the veins of his eyes, causing blindness,” said Dr Napolitano.

Now let’s be honest for a moment. The possibility of David Blaine going blind is definitely good for business. If a bunch of doctors with impressively foreign-sounding names all lined up to say that hanging upside down for two and a bit days would increase the bloodflow to David Blaine’s brain and make him super clever for the rest of his life, nobody would really care about the stunt. But if David Blaine went blind from hanging upside down for 60 hours, that’d really make him famous.

Not that we hope he does, of course. If David Blaine went blind, it’d be a real tragedy - how would he be able to blow kisses at himself into a mirror for days at a time if he can’t see? e imagine he probably does that a lot.