David Blaine Idiot Update: Exploding Head Imminent

David Blaine’s big new stunt – the one where he hangs upside down for a while and then stops and goes home – is fully underway in New York.

And it seems to be a case of so far so dull because despite what all those elaborately-named doctors seemed to think yesterday, David Blaine hasn’t gone blind yet. Nor has blood started seeping from his tear ducts. He hasn’t even coughed up a single internal organ yet. David Blaine is rubbish. We want our money back.

Or maybe we should wait a while, because David Blaine has revealed that being upside down makes him think that his “head’s about to explode.” Yeah, well that’s nothing. We once ate three bunches of grapes in one go and it made us feel like our bum was going to explode, but you don’t hear us banging on about it, do you?

David Blaine has always risked injury for his art. When he stood in that cave of ice, David Blaine risked dying of hypothermia. When David Blaine submerged himself in water for several days he risked water suffocation and muscle atrophy. And when David Blaine sat in a box over London he risked having his eye taken out with a gay sausage.

But all of that pales into comparison with what David Blaine’s up to at the moment. While hanging upside down above an ice rink for 60 hours doesn’t sound particularly taxing, the health risks to David Blaine are incredible. By spending so long upside down, any number of the following horrible injuries could happen to him before the end of the stunt:

*Pins & needles

*Inverted testicle

*The 60-hour gravity wedgie

*Bad hair


*Tongue loll

*Spinal wibble

*Big pores

Worst of all, though, is blindness. Before the stunt, doctors told David Blaine that being the wrong way up might cause his optic nerves to scab up or something, and that his sight would never recover. But while he’s been submitting himself to regular upside down medical exams for this matter, there’s a chance that David Blaine has overlooked one tiny condition that the stunt could provoke – Exploding Head Disease. Digital Spy reports:

Speaking from his inverted position, Blaine said he was “doing all right” but that he had experienced an enormous push of blood which made his head feel like it was “about to explode”.

That’s more like it. Perhaps more people would have paid attention to David Blaine’s little stunt from the start if they knew that he was going to get all Scanners on us a couple of hours in.

We’re all for this head explosion malarkey, you know. True, it’ll make a horrible mess of Central Park, countless people will be left experiencing a hideously traumatic event that they’ll never recover from, and David Blaine himself might suffer a side effect or two, but look on the bright side – if David Blaine’s head does explode, then at least he won’t have anything to cry out of like a great big pansy when the stunt’s over for once. It’s completely worth it.


  1. Julian Mentat says

    because they’d say something incomprehensible like “My wallaroo’s about to dingwallop”.

  2. Dermot Muncher says

    He ought to try what i do,sit on the bog for 6 hours.
    and then try and make it to the bed before that crampy pins and needley thing occurs.

  3. says

    “All the people in Australia are upside down.”
    “because they’d say something incomprehensible like “My wallaroo’s about to dingwallop”

    What a load of right-way-up trollop!

    We Australians never say “My wallaroo’s about to dingwallop”. The correct expression is “My wallaroo’s gonna dingwallop me cobber!”

    So stuff that in your polluted northern hemisphere pipe and smoke it!

  4. says

    Is that Blainey idjit wearing “shades” upside down?

    Wow!! now that’s tre cool.

    I’m such a loser for only wearing them when I’m vertical in the more commonly understood sense of the term.

  5. Chris says

    only time i will switch on to see him is if his head did explode. that would be great tv.

    “All the people in Australia are upside down.”….. love it