Just so you all have this in writing, we never want to be a Baldwin – partly because we're not that keen on making a string of forgettable movies, but partly because we know we'd never be even half the men that the current Baldwins are.
And we're not even talking about Alec Baldwin for once either – we just don't think that we'd be as good at being a Baldwin as Daniel Baldwin, a man whose list of ridiculous indiscretions would fill the entire internet if ever they were written down. But Daniel Baldwin needs to work harder if he wants to keep his reputation, because the he's just been cleared of stealing cars. Cleared? That's exactly that sort of positive news that Daniel Baldwin doesn't need at all if he wants to keep his standing as the douchiest Baldwin brother of them all.
Ah, the Baldwins. We knew that if we stuck by them through awful movies like Married To The Mob, Dead On Sight, You Stupid Man and Bio-Dome they'd eventually return the favour. And they have done, in part at least. Although we're waiting for Billy Baldwin to do something ridiculous, Stephen Baldwin has become a strange rock n roll Christian, Alec Baldwin has given up acting to exclusively devote his life to identifying rude thoughtless little pigs and Daniel Baldwin?
Well Daniel Baldwin deserves his own paragraph. A man with a history of cocaine addiction, Daniel Baldwin is perhaps most famous for a) having an extended cameo in The Sopranos and b) ploughing his car into a parked car at 80mph last year. But it's not all bad news – Daniel Baldwin also enjoys giving advice to Britney Spears and not stealing any cars ever actually.
That last one has only been decided recently, you understand. Prior to that it was most people's understanding that Daniel Baldwin was actually quite good at stealing cars, ever since his arrest for stealing a car last November. But Daniel Baldwin has long maintained his innocence – saying instead of stealing it he was just borrowing it from a friend and his friend didn't tell his girlfriend and she called the police.
That's the reason why Daniel Baldwin didn't turn up for court in February, choosing instead to briefly become a slightly inept fugitive. And that's also the reason why the charges against Daniel Baldwin have been dropped, more or less. The LA Times reports:
Authorities traced the vehicle to a Santa Monica motel parking lot, using a signal from the SUV's security system, two days after it was reported stolen, and Baldwin was arrested when he was seen getting into the vehicle. But the SUV's owner later insisted that he had given Baldwin permission to drive the vehicle and that the theft report resulted from a misunderstanding. "The evidence didn't support us going forward with the case," said Farrah Emami, a spokeswoman for the Orange County district attorney's office.
This news couldn't have come at a worse time for Daniel Baldwin. He's spent his whole life under the shadow of Alec Baldwin, and the courts choose to quietly let him off days after Alec Baldwin does the stupidest thing in the world? The injustice! Daniel Baldwin should have been given a huge jail sentence a couple of weeks before Alec's "rude little pig" voicemail – that way Daniel would have felt the joy that comes with being the most famous Baldwin. And the three to five years spent sharing a boxy cell with a violent arsonist would have been worth that sensation alone.
Read more:
Daniel Baldwin Has Been Cleared Of Car Theft – Los Angeles Times