Britney Spears needs all the help she can get now that she's realised that rehab might just be the best place for a bald woman who beats up cars with umbrellas – it's just a shame that all the help Britney Spears can get looks a bit like Daniel Baldwin.
You know in Ghostbusters when Sigourney Weaver meets up with Rick Moranis and the sky opens up and everything looks bleak for the future of mankind? Well, that's the nearest event we can think of that describes the recent meeting between mighty rehab titans Britney Spears and Daniel Baldwin. According to Us Weekly, Daniel Baldwin took Britney Spears aside last week for a quick chat about rehab, staying sober and the dumbest thing either of them have done with a car. Probably. Oh, and Daniel Baldwin says we should all pray for Britney Spears, too, so make sure you do that before you continue reading.
In the past Britney Spears has had no end of help from those around her, be it her management team who helped her earn so much money, her first husband who helped her realise what it's like when someone writes an opportunistic book about your tits, or Paris Hilton who helped Britney Spears dress like a moron and leave her prolapsed vagina dangling out the bottom of her skirt for days at a time.
But lately Britney Spears has needed a different sort of help – and we're not talking about someone to catch her regular vomit-blasts either. You may have already heard – or at least read haikus about – Britney Spears' recent meltdown. Britney Spears has had no end of help coping with that either, from the owner of the salon where Britney went loopy doo and shaved her head to the owners of the rehab facility that Britney Spears went to and then busted out of and then went to again after brolly-spazzing a car up.
Most recently Kevin Federline has been helping Britney Spears by taking their kids to rehab to remind them what a slaphead nutter their mother is, but even that's not enough for Britney Spears – she needs the help of a professional rehab idiot. She needs the help of Daniel Baldwin, the high-speed car-smashing former cocaine addict who's possibly been in rehab even more times than he's been arrested. Happily, Britney Spears and Daniel Baldwin met up recently, and Daniel Baldwin told Us Weekly magazine all about it:
"I told her if she needed anything or if she wanted me to bring anything to her where she’s at, I’d be happy to come see her… She seemed like she was a little fearful… I mean, she’s a young girl – I have kids older than her. I think that she knows that she needs some help, and God bless her. All we can do is pray. That’s what I want people to do: Pray for her… One thing I mentioned to her is if you took a look at how much effort you put into going out – at least for me – going out and using and doing the things we do, compared to how much effort you need to do to stay sober, it’s infinitesimal on a comparison basis.”
Daniel Baldwin's rehab meeting with Britney Spears is bound to have done far more than anything yet to get Britney back on the straight and the narrow, for one solitary reason – Britney Spears now knows that if she does anything self-destructive or crazy ever again, the man who looks like a plastic Alec Baldwin doll that's been left out in the sun too long will knock on her door and use more long words that she doesn't understand. If that doesn't stop her, nothing will.