Well, we say either way. It’s unlikely to go the way we want it to go, which involves Mutya, Michelle, Tina and Ulrika all being evicted and the remaining housemates being set on fire. But, within the parameters of the law, the Celebrity Big Brother eviction could go either way.

Yesterday we looked at the eviction chances of Mutya and Ulrika, and today we’re going to have a butchers at Tina Malone. Excited? Good.

Tina Malone – There’s a very good reason why Tina Malone got more nominations that anyone else this week, even more than Coolio. And that reason, like you need to be told, is that Tina Malone is an exceptional arsehole. Loud, lacking any visible signs of self-awareness – instead she seems to possess awareness of a sort of supermodel version of Oscar Wilde – and so professionally Scouse that we keep involuntarily checking our pockets every time she’s on screen, Tina Malone is one of Celebrity Big Brother’s biggest irritants. An eviction tomorrow night would shock her more than any of the housemates, but let’s be honest. If the Liverpudlian territorial pride is enough to get terrifying ventriloquist’s dummy Ray Quinn through to the X Factor final, it’s easily enough to breeze Tina Malone through this first eviction nomination. More’s the pity. She really does seem like a turd.

Tomorrow: Michelle Heaton.

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Prison Break is no more. Fox Entertainment President Kevin Reilly has decided that Prison Break’s fourth season will be its last. This will no doubt come as a shock to the solitary homeless man who didn’t think that Prison Break got cancelled in 2006 anyway.

So Prison Break may be dying, but let’s focus on all the positive things it gave us – like Wentworth Miller and that hour a week where nothing good was on TV so we could read books instead.

The problem with most big American dramas these days is that they don’t know how to stretch out for multiple seasons. Lost got around this by becoming so impossibly dense that you can’t follow episodes without the aid of a flipchart and an encyclopedia. 24 just repeats itself exactly every year with only minor changes, like the introduction of a female president who’s got a face that looks like a cake. And Heroes is determined to deliberately lose all of its viewers by progressively getting worse and worse with every passing minute.

And then there’s Prison Break – a show about a man breaking out of prison with the aid of his magical tattoo. Which was all well and good, except that at the end of the first season he broke out of prison, leaving nowhere for the show to go.

That’s why the following three seasons of Prison Break – where tattoo man goes on the lam, gets caught, goes to another prison, breaks out of that prison too and goes on the lam again, all because the president is evil or something – were such hopeless failures. You want examples of how bad the latter seasons of Prison Break were? OK, here’s three:

1) In America, the audience halved between the first season and the fourth season.

2) The Prison Break cast got so bored by the ridiculous plotlines that they actually took to killing boys in drunken accidents to pass the time.

3) In the UK, not even Channel Five thought that seasons three and four of Prison Break were good enough to broadcast. And this is Channel Five – the channel that, in a few hours, is genuinely going to broadcast a documentary about a clever pig.

And these reasons are why Kevin Reilly from Fox has decided to put Prison Break out of its misery. The LA Times reports:

The action series starring Wentworth Miller will return on April 17 for its final run of four to six episodes. The show premiered in 2005 as a hit but has progressively run out of steam. “Creatively, the show’s just played out,” Reilly said. “Creatively, everyone feels enough stories were told. We want to finish strong.”

“Well, alright, maybe not strong,” we then imagine Kevin Reilly went on to say “But mediocre. No, no, mediocre’s not the word either. Alone and ignored. That’s the one! We want to finish alone and ignored!”

But now pilot season is coming up, so let’s just hope that Fox learns from the demise of Prison Break and stops commissioning shows that can’t possibly stretch beyond their quickly-completed premise. Apparently Fox is especially keen on the new high-concept drama Man Jumps Off Log, about a man who wants to jump off a log. He does actually jump off the log within the first six seconds of the first episode, but we’re sure they’ll find away to stretch it out for years after that.

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Instead, Ulrika Jonsson, Tina Malone, Michelle Heaton and Mutya all gained the most amount of nominations from their fellow housemates. Who goes? You decide. Or rather a bunch of crosseyed numbskulls who think that voting for Celebrity Big Brother evictions is a constructive recreational activity will decide. Or something.

So for the rest of the week we’ll be looking at the prospective Celebrity Big Brother evictees, starting with Mutya and Ulrika…

Mutya – We’ll admit to being a teensy bit surprised that Mutya has been placed up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction when, say, Coolio hasn’t. Of course, the message here is perfectly clear – if you want to be a shrieking, attention-seeking bellend who routinely makes cracks about beating up women, that’s fine. But if you want to be a decent-seeming popstar whose only crime appears to be displaying a keen sense of personal dignity? Ugh! Get out! Get out you disgusting witch! But maybe Mutya’s self-assurance is to blame here – after all, in that song of hers she did say “I know ezzakly who I am.” Maybe that’s why she’s been nominated for eviction from the Celebrity Big Brother house – constant mispronunciation of the word ‘exactly’. The massive bitch.

Ulrika Jonsson – This has got to sting for Ulrika Jonsson. Two weeks in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and two weeks of eviction nomination. It’s almost like society frowns on obnoxious self-righteous former ladettes with four kids by four men, isn’t it? Weird. Anyway, judging by the smattering of halfhearted cheers that Ulrika got during last week’s eviction, we would bet against her leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Well, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for our suspicion that Big Brother is still going to bring Nancy Dell’Olio in soon, which means we can expect three days of extremely positive Ulrika coverage so the plot isn’t blown. Then again, Tina Malone is also up for eviction, and Big Brother would have to make Ulrika look like a baby murderer for her to look less popular in comparison, surely.

Tomorrow: Tina Malone.

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So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.

Oh alright, the Celebrity Big Brother house hasn’t changed in the slightest since Lucy Pinder was evicted on Friday, mainly because the poor girl had all the charisma of a pebble. Honestly, we started hitting the side of our TV during Lucy’s eviction interview because we thought her weird droning voice was some sort of manufacturer’s defect.

But anyway, now that Lucy Pinder is gone, how are the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates holding up? Here’s our week two look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson, Michelle Heaton and Mutya…

Ben Adams – All boyband members fulfill different roles – typically there’s a rough one, a gay one, one who can actually sing etc – and judging by Ben Adam’s time in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far, we’d guess that he probably wasn’t A1’s interesting one. As personable as he appears to be, there’s no mistaking the fact that Ben’s sole contribution to Celebrity Big Brother so far has been a slightly meandering anecdote about a girl he met who ordered some quite expensive things at a restaurant once. Fact – if Ben Adams leaves Celebrity Big Brother, nobody will notice he’s gone.

Coolio – Without question, Coolio has become Celebrity Big Brother’s most polarising figure, splitting the house into those who can’t stand the sight of him and those who really can’t stand the sight of him. Make no mistake, Coolio’s a dead cert to run away with the next round of eviction nominations, and then it’ll fall to the public to judge how popular he is. But Coolio can’t be all bad, can he? After all, he manage to bully Lucy Pinder into showing a flicker of emotion, and we’ve heard that’s pretty much impossible.

LaToya Jackson – Anyone hoping that LaToya Jackson would be identical to her silent, even-handed brother Jermaine in the Celebrity Big Brother house must be a little disappointed. It turns out that LaToya is a strange mixture of the manipulative, the conniving and the relentlessly downbeat – as evidenced by the weird naive little girl act she pulls whenever she wants something and all her whiny backstabbing to Coolio. At the moment, LaToya Jackson is easily the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother contestant – something that’ll come back to haunt the other housemates when she stabs one of them to death in the sleep while cackling like a maniac. It’ll happen, kids.

Michelle Heaton - And if LaToya Jackson is the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother housemate, then Michelle Heaton is easily the most overestimated. We all assumed that she’d be all paranoid and spiteful and attention-seeking, but she’s not. She’s not anything. When God was handing out personalities, he accidentally gave Michelle Heaton a vast bottomless quarry that nothing could ever escape from. Still, at least she’s got a pseudo-romance with Ben Adams going on, and that’s nice to watch because it’s clear that Ben is Michelle’s intellectual equal. Admittedly, most teacups are Michelle’s intellectual equal too, but have you ever tried having sex with a teacup? It’s really bloody hard.

Mutya – We’ll admit that we had Mutya all wrong. We were expecting a snarling, punchy ghetto girl prone to surliness and tantrums, but we haven’t seen that side of Mutya at all in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far. In fact, she’s been sort of nice. So maybe it wasn’t her who started all the fights in the Sugababes after all. It was Heidi! Let’s all go and burn her house down instead! But back to Celebrity Big Brother – Mutya’s got the inoffensive-and-quiet third place spot locked down. Mark our words.

Tomorrow: Our Celebrity Big Brother look at Tina Malone, Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer.

That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.

Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.

While the British version of The Apprentice is holding up surprisingly well – largely because of its elegance and determination to stick to a winning formula – Donald Trump’s original Apprentice has been on life support for longer than we can remember.

And that’s probably because there are so many different versions of it. The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the bewilderingly thought-out tent-dwelling The Apprentice: LA and the soon-to-be-aired The Apprentice: Glovepuppets, Domestic Pets & Industrial Machinery Edition.

And then there’s Celebrity Apprentice, the show where nobody becomes an apprentice and there aren’t any celebrities. Last year saw the debut of Celebrity Apprentice, a nailbiter of a show which was ultimately won by… oh, who cares who won? It’s not like anybody actually watched the bloody thing, is it?

However, resigned to the fact that the only thing that can stop Donald Trump turfing over Scotland, constructing the world’s most eye-bleedingly tasteless bar in the middle of it and reopening it as an executive golf course for wankers is to let him jab his stumpy little fingers at a bunch of people who might have been slightly famous about 20 years ago, NBC has decided to bring back Celebrity Apprentice for a second season.

The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts in March, but that’s not what you want to know, is it? You want to know who’ll be taking part. So, just for you, here’s the full list of the 16 new Celebrity Apprentice contestants:

Clint Black: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Andrew Dice Clay: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Annie Duke: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tom Green: FAMOUS FOR – wanking off a horse.

Natalie Gulbis: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Scott Hamilton: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Jesse James: FAMOUS FOR – we think Cher might have sung a song about him once.

Claudia Jordan: FAMOUS FOR – being a box-monkey on Deal Or No Deal, which essentially makes her the American version of this turd.

Khloe Kardashian: FAMOUS FOR – being the sister of a woman who had it off with a man on the internet.

Brian McKnight: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Joan Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – swearing on live TV.

Melissa Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – being the only woman on Earth to look several decades older than her own mother.

Brande Roderick: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Dennis Rodman: FAMOUS FOR – being the most unresponsive person to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Herschel Walker: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins: FAMOUS FOR – being half of the members of TLC who aren’t dead.

There. You don’t even have to watch it now. Thank us later.

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But the Celebrity Big Brother dream is going to end tonight for either Ulrika Jonsson or Lucy Pinder, after they were nominated for eviction for having a raging ego and all the talent of a shoebox respectively. One of them has to go, but who?

We looked at Lucy Pinder yesterday, so here’s Ulrika Jonsson’s chances of Celebrity Big Brother survival…

Ulrika Jonsson – Science dictates there are seven stages of grief, but watching Ulrika Jonsson discover that she’d been nominated for eviction from Celebrity Big Brother earlier this week makes us wonder if there aren’t about 150 stages instead. Ulrika ran the gamut from bitterness to weeping to paranoia to solitude to grim-faced excuse-making to forced acceptance to – most weirdly of all – crying because she said she’ll be sad if she’s not evicted. Importantly, none of these things make Ulrika Jonsson look in any way bearable as a human being, which probably doesn’t bode well for tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother.

But if Ulrika Jonsson does get evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight it’ll be a terrible mistake – watching the gradual deterioration of her mental state is much more fun than watching Lucy Pinder gawp into the middle-distance and pout for hours at a time. Plus, if Ulrika goes tonight it’ll really bugger up Celebrity Big Brother’s plans to bring in Ulrika’s arch-nemesis Nancy Dell’Olio and spark off the biggest catfight in all of history. So, readers, don’t vote for Ulrika Jonsson today. Or don’t vote for anyone. In retrospect that’s probably the best idea all round.

Next week: Another look at these Celebrity Big Brother bumchops.

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The second is that there’s no Tori Spelling. We’d assumed that Tori Spelling was a shoo-in to appear on 90210, what with it being the show she’s most associated with and her being such a rubbish actor that she’d be grateful of the work and all. But it wasn’t to be.

Not until now, anyway – Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, which will be great news for the three people who watch 90210, are old enough to remember Tori Spelling and aren’t recovering lobotomy patients.

Like many people, when we heard that a new spin-off of hateful early-1990s teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 - a show about braying arseholes made by braying arseholes for braying arseholes – our first reaction was to fall to the floor clutching our temples in agony.

Once that went away, though, we assumed that 90210 would be the perfect excuse to re-employ some of the stars of the original series. They’ve all dropped off the radar in recent years and would probably work for scraps, plus it’d be a nice lineage to the show’s previous generation.

All the old gang wanted in – Shannon Doherty returned as Brenda Walsh for a few episodes, Jennie Garth returned as Kelly Taylor for a few episodes, Jason Priestley is apparently going to direct an upcoming episode, and who can forget Hillary Swank’s hilarious cameo as the disabled transsexual who chewed through her own tongue to quicken her own death? Happy days. But there was no Tori Spelling.

Sure, Tori Spelling had been approached to star in 90210, but that soon fell apart. Why? Well reports at the time seemed to suggest that Tori Spelling wanted more money than producers were willing to pay, but we think we know the truth – Tori Spelling really wanted to see if 90210 was going to be lousy enough for her standards.

You see, Tori Spelling doing anything good in her life would be a tremendous oversight. What if she agreed to be in 90210 and everyone loved it? That would have really overshadowed her voiceover work on one episode of Biker Mice From Mars and the made for TV movie Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, wouldn’t it?

Luckily, though, enough time has passed for Tori Spelling to see that fewer and fewer people are watching 90210 and that it was axed in Australia after a handful of episodes and that it’s utter dog-piddle from start to finish. So with that in mind, guess what? Tori’s back in! People reports:

Looks like Donna Martin will return to 90210 after all! Tori Spelling is in “final negotiations” to return to the world’s most famous zip code, a show rep confirms to PEOPLE. The actress, who was set to star in the CW’s spin-off when it was announced — but then had “no plans” to join the show for its fall debut — is close to finalizing a deal to be in multiple episodes.

OK, so maybe it’s not a completely done deal that Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, but we can guarantee that – even if she doesn’t – Donna Martin will definitely make an appearance. And when we say ‘Donna Martin’ we mean ‘a heat-warped Marilyn Monroe waxwork dummy’. It’s the same thing, really.

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Facing the chop from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night are Lucy Pinder and Ulrika Jonsson – so a woman paid to get her boobs out in public and a woman paid to tell everyone about all the people she’s ever got her boobs out for in private. Exciting!

So who do we think will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night? Let’s start by looking at the chances of Lucy Pinder, shall we?

Lucy Pinder – Lucy Pinder was put up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction after Terry Christian deemed her to be the least talented housemate. Which is fair, really, since Lucy’s talent show demonstration this week was so breathtakingly dull that we’re fairly sure we passed out three or four times during the course of it. Unwilling to demonstrate her only real talent – having knockers big enough to suffocate a buffalo with – Lucy’s Celebrity Big Brother display consisted of a) a verbal CV that even she appeared to be embarrassed by and b) a diatribe against the Labour party that couldn’t have been more vague or listless if it was spoken by a pensioner with ME who never bothered to learn what politics was.

Having said that, though, it doesn’t look like Lucy Pinder will be evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house tomorrow night for two reasons – firstly she hasn’t taken her top off yet and secondly she isn’t Ulrika Jonsson. That last one by itself would probably be enough to seal it, to be honest.

Tomorrow: will Ulrika Jonsson be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother? Well, yes. Probably.

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But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

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Ready for the first Hannah Montana movie trailer? Good, because Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem to be.

You see, it’s obvious that Miley Cyrus really, really doesn’t want you to go and see the Hannah Montana movie when it’s released in April. That’s why she’s gone out of way to make the whole thing seem as grossly appalling as possible.

Look, there’s Miley Cyrus introducing the movie with the voice of a chainsmoking miniature troll who’s been possessed by the devil! Look, Miley Cyrus can’t stop pulling a genuinely disturbing look of self-hatred every time she says her own name!

What? There’s still a part of you that wants to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? Wait – Miley Cyrus isn’t done yet! Look, here’s Miley robotically referring to the Hannah Montana movie as “her first big-screen adventure” – which is essentially a slightly shorter way of saying “her integral second-quarter generic mass-marketed media, stationery or sweatshop-produced fashion product.” Here’s an insufferable berk on a horse! Here’s an actual verbal promise of an appearance by Rascal Flatts! Boy oh boy, this Hannah Montana movie is going to be awesome!

So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And Ulrika Jonsson’s already up for eviction. And that’s literally it.

And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with part one of our Celebrity Big Brother 2009 introductions, for LaToya Jackson, Mutya, Verne Troyer, Tommy Sheridan, Lucy Pinder and Ben Adams…

LaToya Jackson – Imagine being in the room when Jermaine Jackson from Celebrity Big Brother 2007 recommended Celebrity Big Brother to his sister LaToya: “Oh, it was awesome. I was trapped in a room with some genuinely objectionable arseholes – some of whom seemed a bit racist – for three weeks and I didn’t gain anything professionally from it whatsoever afterwards. You’ll love it”. Also, LaToya Jackson laughs like this: “Ehihihi! Ehihihi!” and is an idiot. That’s all. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jermaine Jackson.

Mutya – Mutya doesn’t have a surname any more. She used to be called Mutya Out Of The Sugababes but, since the great Sugababes ugliness purge of 2005, she can’t use that name any more. We’re just joking – Mutya left Sugababes of her own accord because she had a baby and realised it was the more important thing in her life – or the second most important thing after abandoning said children to appear on pikey reality TV shows, at least. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Chris Eubank.

Verne Troyer – You’ll know Verne Troyer best as either Mini Me from the Austin Powers film or the funny bald man who tried to sue hecklerspray last year because we published a still from his yucky little sex tape. But that’s all beside the point because – Darnell-style screaming meltdown not permitting – Verne Troyer is going to win Celebrity Big Brother. This is because a) he’s obviously disabled and people will feel sorry for him and b) he looks like a baby! Ha ha ha! Look at his funny little legs! PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Mikey from last year’s Civilian Big Brother.

Tommy Sheridan – Look, there’s no point putting this any other way – Tommy Sheridan is basically George Galloway. That’s all you need to know. They’re both Scottish, both politicians, both controversial, both furious about everything and both completely ready to trade in whatever professional credibility they’ve amassed for the sake of three weeks on a reality TV show for bastards. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Haven’t you been reading?

Lucy Pinder – But if Lucy Pinder is on Celebrity Big Brother, who’s getting their tits out for Nuts? This is a disaster – she needs to be voted out as quickly as possible before thousands of lonely teenage testicles balloon up and explode in her absence. Anyway, aside from her boobs Lucy Pinder is primarily known for being duller than a filing cabinet full of bathwater – so Celebrity Big Brother is her big chance to show herself in a different light. Unfortunately, the light she’s chosen seems to be that of a genuinely unlikeable right-wing lunatic. This is going to end in tears. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Danielle Lloyd.

Ben Adams – Ben Adams is probably most famous for his stint in A1, the failed experiment in naming boybands alphabetically as if they were bloody taxi firms or something. That’s not what Ben does any more, though – now he’s a successful songwriter and producer for the likes of, um, Lisa Scott Lee. So that’s obviously working out really well for him. Ben says he doesn’t really do celebrity parties, but he’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. From this we can assume that Ben Adams is a bit of a turd. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Either Mark Owen or H from Steps. We haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow: part two of our Celebrity Big Brother introductions. Exciting, huh?

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This season of Strictly Come Dancing has had everything – shock resignations, judge in-fighting, humiliatingly credibility-obliterating phone vote cock-ups and, um, Gillian Taylforth. And that’s literally it. We’ll miss you Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least we would if Dancing On Ice wasn’t starting in about a bloody fortnight. Sheesh.

So, can Rachel Stevens win the Strictly Come Dancing final? Here’s her recap…

Rachel Stevens – Even though they’re both about three feet tall and share the personality of a retired chartered accountant from Stevenage, Rachel Stevens and her partner are the lookers of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Their sexiness is paramount to their Strictly Come Dancing chances, so imagine our horror on Saturday when Rachel’s partner unveiled his new beard. Well, we say ‘beard’ but that’s only because a word has yet to be invented that can fully convey the horror of the wispy public fluff that Rachel’s partner had strapped to his chin for Saturday’s show. Would it affect their chances of making the Strictly Come Dancing final?

Well, no, thanks to the rubbishy ‘everyone’s in the final!’ twist that Strictly Come Dancing pulled at the end of the results show, Rachel Stevens and her partner would have made the final even if he’d got his knob out and scrawled ‘WHITE RULE’ across his face with a marker pen. And, in a way, that’s probably for the best – Rachel’s first dance was an Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry that was technically decent but about as sexy as an episode of How It’s Made. Rachel’s second dance was an American Smooth that was so slow it felt like we’d downed three bottles of Night Nurse before watching it. Which we had, but that’s beside the point. But who cares what we think? Chances are Rachel’s going to win the sodding thing on Saturday, isn’t she? Isn’t she? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. Saturday will be the culmination of half a year’s training for Lisa Snowdon, Tom Chambers and Rachel Stevens, and only one can win it. Unless, you know, the BBC makes the last-minute decision that they’ve all won and, instead of a final dance-off, Tess Daly just rolls around in everyone’s phone-vote money cackling like a witch. That seems to be the done thing these days.

So can Tom Chambers win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s his recap…

Tom Chambers – When a reality TV show like Strictly Come Dancing reaches its final stages, it’s highly important that the contestants can reflect on their ‘journey’ as a life-changing experience, and that’s what Tom Chambers did on Saturday’s show – calling it “the greatest chapter of my life”. Admittedly that’s because most of the other chapters in Tom Chambers’ life have involved Holby City, and so a chapter that involved nothing but being bitten on the cock by a laboratory monkey would still qualify as the greatest of his life. But, with this in mind, Tom Chambers was bound to give the Strictly Come Dancing performances of his life on Saturday, because it just meant that much to him. Right?

Nope. Instead Tom Chambers dressed up as one of those Quality Streets that always gets left at the bottom of the tin and did a limp little Jive to Waterloo that walked the line between earnest and crap so perfectly that it was like watching the winners of Britain’s Got Incredibly Annoying Stage School Children, if such a thing even exists. Was Tom saving up the good stuff for his Strictly Come Dancing Argentine Tango to Por Una Cabeza? Nope. The dance mainly consisted of Tom Chambers standing completely still while his partner showed off her legs in an unconvincingly slutty way. Nevertheless, one Strictly Come Dancing judge told Tom that the dance was like “moving through mercury.” We don’t know what that means exactly, but Wikipedia suggests that she might have started bleeding from gums and suddenly became depressed for no reason while watching it. Hey, us too! Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 67

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

But relax – American Idol is on it. Later today, American Idol is holding a news conference where it’ll announce several changes for its new season, including more focus on talent and less on the auditionees who’ll inevitably turn up dead outside Paula Abdul’s house.

But don’t worry, American Idol fans – the show will still have wildly long, endurance-challenging results shows so full of ersatz crap that you’ll feel like killing yourself midway through. That’s American Idol’s bread and butter.

Now that X Factor is over, with winner Alexandra Burke guaranteed a Christmas number one with her winning song – a version of Hallelujah that consists of one verse before it gives way to a tsunami of relentless, near-hysterical weeping – Simon Cowell can return to the show where the real money is – American Idol.

The new season of American Idol starts on January 13, but the show isn’t in the greatest shape at the moment. After seven years, the show’s talent pool is starting to run dry, the viewing figures are in freefall, the winners are being forgotten the second they’re crowned and the losers are all killing themselves in a pile outside Paula Abdul’s house.

Although there were aspects of last year’s American Idol that managed to hold the audience’s attention, producers can’t count on them being repeated again this year – after all, how often do you get male strippers and a berserko stage Dad together in one competition? – and that’s why American Idol will be all change when its next season starts next month.

American Idol was already going to change a little this season, because of the addition of a fourth judge – a songwriter called Kara DioGuardi who couldn’t be more nondescript if you painted her grey and renamed her Morris – but now a memo has been leaked detailing some further changes that will be announced at a news conference later today. Reuters reports:

The changes include:

– Fewer audition episodes and more Hollywood-round episodes. The shift increases the show’s emphasis on talented performers and shies further away from the crash-and-burn spectacle of less-talented attention-seekers.

– To further emphasize the focus on the most talented singers, the semifinalist rounds will feature the top 36 contestants instead of 24.

What’s more, the changes will also include the return of a ‘wild card’ singer and the one-year abandonment of charity special Idol Gives Back. And that’ll help – but to really turn the fortunes of American Idol around, some even more drastic changes will be needed. Here’s what we suggest:

*Replace American Idol host Ryan Seacrest with someone a bit more human, like a mannequin of Ryan Seacrest or a bookish sea lion in a top hat.

*Make the American Idol results shows shorter. As short as possible, in fact. Install a couple of trapdoors in the set floor and you could probably get the show down to about 30 seconds, or less if you don’t bother calling the contestants by name.

*Follow the lead of Fox’s other big hit 24, which managed to turn itself around with a two-hour television movie 24: Redemption recently. Effectively what we’re suggesting here is that Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson should be dropped in the middle of Africa and made to defend themselves against waves and waves of bloodthirsty guerrilla warlords.

However, the proposed changes are a start, and hopefully they’ll do well to change the fortunes of American Idol. At least by focusing more on the talented singers than the desperate attention-seekers, the American Idol producers can be sure that if any more contestants start turning up dead outside the judges’ homes it’s not because they’re mentally-ill stalkers but because they’re just really, really upset about losing. And that’s better, obviously.

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