Unsettling news has reached hecklerspray! No, seriously. This is weird. Apparently, T-Pain sleeps in a coffin! A velvet-lined coffin no less! We’re terrified! We’ll never say anything nasty about lovely T-Pain again.

He’ll probably cause us a world of T-Pain. That’s the worst kind of pain there is. Much worse than B-Pain or P-Pain.

And we have the FCU to thank for this discovery as they uncover the strange world of one of hip-pop’s most famous. Not only that, we meet T-Pain’s twin! Yes. It gets creepier by the second! AAARGH!

The Fact Checkers Unit dive into the world of pop with help from Mark McGrath and Samsung Galaxy, who see no trivial rumour about a celebrity too ridiculous for investigation!

The duo are sent on an impossible fact mission and come up trumps.

Alas, the documentary team following these brave souls are accosted by T-Pain himself (and his identical family members) and it’s all very, very thrilling.

Of course, the FCU use their magical Galaxy Note’s (a generous 5.3-inch HD Super AMOLED touch screen, the splendid S Pen and whatnot) to check out these celebrity facts and capture evidence with the miracle of photography and editing software that comes on their device.

Watch them in action.

This advertorial was sponsored by Samsung Galaxy

What kind of monster empathises with animals? Is it because they’ve got the same colour blood as us? In fact, there’s people out there who have more sympathy for animals than they do people from different cultures.

Humans are stupid and this is proven by the need for them to have animals as pets.

Think about it. There’s people in this awful world that like nothing more than staring at silent fish in a tank. There’s people out there who like to dress their dogs up like little humans. There’s even people who think that cats are anything other than selfish, greedy snobs who only cohabit with humans to get an easy feed.

If aliens came to Earth, they’d almost certainly ask about our need to live with other species and not eat them. We spend years fattening these creatures up and then, somehow, we end up letting them lick us in our mouths and sleep on our beds while we leave the radio on for them so they don’t feel lonely while we’re at work.

Like animals have the clout to feel ‘loneliness’. The only thing they’re sufficiently able to do is produce waste-products from all that food we’ve given them.

And for what? A short life span which sees them absolutely dying before we do, leaving us to be thoroughly upset about something that never showed true kindness to us. It was an imagined kindness. We put human emotions on them because we’ve become unable to deal with our own. We’re too filled with fear to mix with other communities or people of different ages, divided by social spheres and musical tastes, and so, we transpose what we would like to see in people onto them.

This is how an actual conversation with your cat goes like:

Owner: Oh, hello Snookins! I’ve had an awful day. *puts plethora of bags down*

Snookins: FEED ME

Owner: Oooh! You are adorable! Have you missed me?

Snookins: FEED ME.

Owner: Just a second Snookins! Just let me pour myself a glass of wine.

Snookins: FEED ME. I HAVE URINATED BEHIND THE TELEVISION.

Owner: Aw, you! You’re the only person I need! You understand me don’t you? Oh Snookins, I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Snookins: FEED ME OR I’M GOING TO THAT OLD LADY’S HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD WHO BUYS CAT FOOD EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN’T HAVE A CAT.

Owner: Oh, you are the most handsome cat in the whole world Snookins! Don’t you want letting out?

Snookins: I’M SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT FEEDING ME FAST ENOUGH SO I’M GOING TO THE OLD LADY DOWN THE ROAD. THEN I’LL KILL SOMETHING AND BRING IT IN THE HOUSE. THEN I’LL DEMAND MORE FOOD. I AM INCAPABLE OF THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE.

Owner: Go on. Out you go Snookins. I’m not alone as long as I’ve got you.

Snookins: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU MADE SOMEONE CUT OUT MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. I’LL WANT MORE FOOD LATER. I’LL STICK MY BUMHOLE IN YOUR FACE LATER.

Owner: I love you Snookins.

Snookins: I BARELY KNOW YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A DIFFERENT SPECIES.

And that’s the truth of the matter. With dogs, they simply want feeding constantly. They won’t even show behaviour what looks like malice, unless you count the mindless violent they perform on postmen around the world.

It’s this inherent failing and loneliness in humans that has been our downfall. While animals get on with surviving, we’ve developed empathy which, in turns, enables the heartless to exploit us all one-by-one until all we have left is passive-aggressive status updates on various social networking sites.

And pets are entirely to blame.

This post was sponsored by Dos Equis

This Christmas, you may be pushing the boat out and spoiling yourself something rotten. You may have bought a load of cheeses that you wouldn’t normally buy. You may have got three bottles of drink in an attempt to make cocktails. It is the only time of year you ever buy pâté.

Feels good doesn’t it?

Well, Sean Diddy Combes lives like that all the time. He can have pâté whenever he wants. He’s so wealthy that he could mash-up Frosties in pâté just to see what it’s like. And, because he can, he’s decided to start a new Rat Pack and takeover of Vegas. And there’s a film to accompany it.

With the help of Cîroc Ultra Premium Vodka, P. Diddy takes us plebs on a journey to Vegas with him as he rolls big, round Sin City, soundtracked by Sinatra’s ‘Luck Be A Lady’.

Combs said, eyeing his bank statement:

“Frank Sinatra made some of the most iconic records of our time; it is truly an honor to use his music again for this campaign. The Rat Pack defined the art of celebrating in style. I cannot imagine a Spirit more suitable for commemorating life with family and friends than Cîroc; a brand that has become synonymous with celebratory occasions.”

Diddy is joined by some of Hollywood’s brightest upstarts. Like who? There’s Chad Michael Murray of One Tree Hill, Michael K. Williams of Boardwalk Empire, Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy, Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul, Vegas headliner Matt Goss super model Lisa Seiffert and others.

So while you’re sat in your underpants watching Christmas television and eating a ring of frozen prawns, remember this: P Diddy and his pals are having a much better time than you.

Furthermore, they look much cooler while they’re doing it. Merry Christmas!

This post was sponsored by Cîroc

So, Christmas is upon us. It’s a time of goodwill, presents, stuffing your face and, if you’re us, a constant reminder of how absolutely no-one ever wants to spend any time at all with us. No. We’re not getting used to it.

However, you might be loved by so-called ‘people’.

In that case, chances are you’ll be having some kind of soiree and you’ll be putting out the nibbles, sporting your best clobber, feverishly tidying the house so people think you don’t normally live in a cesspit and pouring drinks while burping up witticisms stolen from other parties you went to that made you jealous. You’ll be needing to invite people, right? Let us help.

Of course, we’re not the people to ask about inviting other humans to a party. We’re so despairingly unpopular that we may as well send messages in bottles to faraway shores and hope it lands at the feet of a pitying millionaire who wants to give something back to the community.

Not you though. You’re brilliant. People love hanging around with you. They love that unobtrusive music you put on. They love your coronation chicken recipe (we won’t tell anyone you bought it from a shop and sneakily plopped it into your own ramekins.

So if you want to send an invite that’s a little different from the usual store-bought card which you sprinkled a bit of glitter on to make it look like you’d made them yourself, how about inviting them with a bespoke video?

That’s what Absolut Vodka are offering and you can find out how to do it by watching the video below. Look at how clean the host’s house is.

You’re competing with that!

This post was sponsored by Absolut, if you hadn’t guessed.

Here at hecklerspray, we like to interview people. It gives us the opportunity to show celebrities that we have the temerity to be more intelligent than they think we are and, of course, it gives us a chance to show you readers that we have the gall to be rude to someone’s face.

There’s no hiding behind a computer screen here.

And so, we got the chance to interview Andy Parsons – you’ll know him as the bloke with the baldy heid from Mock The Week won’t you? Well. We ballsed up.

Thing is, we love hating people. We were all set to be needlessly snarky with a stand-up comic off the tellybox. As usual, we jogged on the spot without any food in our belly for a hour before the interview, just to get the right level of hatred, weariness and anger at the entire world…

…and then Andy Parsons spoiled it all by being erudite, affable and smart. It just isn’t fair.

And so, the interview breezed along nicely, talking about the innate jealousy and competitiveness between comedians, rape jokes (Parsons, not a fan- Team ‘Spray, not a fan either), the miracle that is turning boredom into something funny and a whole lot more.

Parsons showed himself to be a rare thing in the comedy world – someone who actually listens to an interviewer. And how did we repay him? By not actually recording the interview.

You heard. We spoke to Andy Parsons for an hour and didn’t check whether our equipment was working properly, thereby ensuring that the greatest interview anyone has ever held (miles better than Frost/Nixon) was consigned to the ether.

You shoulda been there. It was amazing. It was enlightening. It would have absolutely changed your life for the better. Alas, our ineptitude will see to it that you remain as loathsome and plebbish as you ever were.

Sorry.

So, to rectify this with Parsons’ People (not a dance-troupe, but rather, the people who have patiently waited for us to fail in our interview-rescue attempts) sent us a pre-recorded interview he did with someone else. We normally charge for including people’s videos on these pages, but in this instance, this is the least we can do.

God, we’re idiots. Go and buy his ‘Gruntled’ DVD or something.

Christmas is-a-coming, and the geese are getting fat. Handy really as they’ll probably be eaten soon along with turkeys, vegetables, pudding and of course, lots of mulled wine and the like.

As much as it pains us, we really like Christmas. It’s all about eating, drinking and allowing us the opportunity to crack a smile once a year. Of course, we’ll be sulking after watching an hour of Christmas television, but the idea of Christmas is overwhelmingly brilliant for a period.

And we’re not the only ones getting in the Yuletide spirit! And what better way to get you in the mood than Christmas music which, despite what the shops blurt out, ain’t all bad at all!

It goes without saying that a lot of Christmas music is lousier than a lousy wheelbarrow filled with lousiness, but sometimes, Christmas music can blindside you and really get you in the swing of things.

hecklerspray is known for weeping salty tears of sentimental weakness in the face of an old brass band playing in the winter wind.

So imagine, you’re out doing your Christmas shopping and suddenly, you’re surrounded by a T-Mobile flashmob and they make you go all Yuley.

Imagine no more. Watch this. Then you can have a listen to some of our favourite Christmas songs!

See? People smiling and having fun and, most importantly, being slightly bewildered initially! That’s what the festive season is all about, right? Bewilderment and dancing! So, here’s a selection of our fave festive numbers and there’s absolutely no Wonderful Christmastime or Mud.

Mabel Scott Boogie Woogie Santa Claus

Elvis Santa Bring My Baby Back

Rotary Connection Christmas Love

Stevie Christmas Song

Marvin Purple Snowflakes

Go-Go’s I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

Clarence Carter Back Door Santa

Frank Cosmo Merry Christmas

Big Joe Turner Christmas Date Boogie

Honey And The Bees Jing A Ling

This post was sponsored by T-Mobile, which is nice.

Sometimes, here on the hallowed hecklerspray, we like to include things that are barely newsworthy. We’re not talking about the pointless goings-on of celebrities and such, rather, things that are just plain odd.

Like what?

Well, when you see the bemulletted man who we’re calling The Detroit Whistler, you’ll know exactly what we mean. He can whistle like a champ! Not like Roger Whittaker though. This man seems to whistle from his Adam’s Apple. Watch. Widen your eyes.

Seriously, you may think you’ve seen all-manner of wonderful voice trickery, amazing beatbox and sound-effectery, but you’ve seen nothing ’til you’ve watched The Detroit Whistler in action.

He could well be the greatest man who ever lived. LOOK AT HIS ACE DETROIT PISTONS SWEATSHIRT FOR STARTERS!

Not only that, he’s starring on clearly the greatest television show ever aired.

Keep an eye out for the various fashion gurus in the audience, not to mention a tiny baby who looks like Super Mario  and, for the best bit, someone knocking over a load of bowling balls, scurrying around making a racket while a TV show gamely plugs on.

That’s all rubbish compared to the wonderful, majestic Detroit Whistler.

NOW WATCH

We all dream of doing something cool for a living, right? Becoming a bass-player in a hot band or making ice-sculptures for obscenely wealthy investor balls. Well, some people actually have the nerve to go and do it.

We’re not jealous at all. Nope.

Okay. We’re hugely envious of these people. However, listening to them speak can be rather inspiring, mainly because the cynic in you thinks ‘Hey! Look at this bozo! I could do his job!‘ Well, Sailor Jerry have made a buncha short films looking at people who have enviously great jobs but aren’t idiots with it.

Of course, not all cool jobs will make you grotesquely wealthy overnight.

The films made by Sailor Jerry look at labours of love and people who can’t quite believe their luck, which is irritatingly sweet for jaded hacks like us.

And so, here’s a selection of videos that show off those who decided to go for broke in the world of tattooing, motorcycles and more.

God, we’re so unswervingly pathetic in comparison.

This article is sponsored by Sailor Jerry, which is just swell

Bruce Willis. Actor. Man who made being bald cool. Ex of Demi Moore. Singer who was signed to Motown Records (yes, really). Funny and seemingly pretty decent bloke. So what else can he do?

Is there any end to his talents?

Seemingly not as ol’ Willzo is a booze innovator. Basically, you’ve all been tackling your liquor all wrong. You have. You’ve just been drinking it, haven’t you? Straight from the bottle or pouring it into a glass like a big, boring berk. It is time for Bruce Willis to teach you in the ways of alcoholic righteousness.

See, there’s a reason that Bruce Willis is gigantically famous and adored by millions of humans. It’s because he looks at the world at large and tries to make it a better place.

For you. And for me. And the entire human race.

And what do you do? You just sit there, covered in crumbs and sheets, waiting for luminaries like Bruce Willis to come along and save your day from the unending tedium of your life.

So, with these videos, Brucie Boy is going to show you just how versatile a bottle of drink can be. It is clearly more than a simple receptacle and potential lazy candle holder.

Hark.

More? He’s teaming with ideas!

Need more proof? This is our favourite.

This post was sponsored by Sobieski, which is nice of them.

Oi! You look like a bright spark! You look like a regularly little sleuth who can work tricky puzzles out in the name of gain! A regular little Carmen Sandiego aren’t you?

Unless, of course, you’re more of an Inspector Gadget and continually mess things up, forever to be bailed out by your niece and her dog. Seriously. Have a word with yourself or you’ll end up with Matthew Broderick playing you in a film, and no-one wants that.

No, you’re needed to travel through time. Yes you are. You need to go back to 1780, specifically to Dublin, so you can find the missing barrel. WoooOOOOoOo. YEAH?

So what do you need to find this missing barrel?

Well, you’ll need concentration! You’ll need COURAGE! And you’ll need a Facebook account. The latter isn’t as dramatic, granted, but y’know, Dublin in the 1700′s actually did have Facebook accounts. They were ahead of their time the Irish. Honest they were.

Anyway, you’ll need to watch this video and then visit Jameson1780.com to find out more.

It really is terribly exciting and, should you need to sharpen your mind, we advice drinking some whisky first because, as we all know, humans definitely think better when they’ve had a glass of adult pop.

Just look at Inspector Morse. He was always doing a bit of ‘thinking’ in the pub. Perhaps we should rebrand whisky as ‘think-drink’?

Anyway, watch this. Solve a mystery.

How smooth do you think you are? Seriously? Think you could slide under a door and woo a lady at the same time? Of course you couldn’t. You’re horrible. Disgusting too. Really, really very grim to look at.

Not like wealthy rap-man and producer Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs. Or Puff Daddy. Or P. Diddy. Or Peddle Diddlo. Or Ponky Coomswith. Or Plendy Dingdong. Or whatever he’s called right now.

No matter what his name is, he’s smoother than the bonnet of a sports car and he’d like to show the world how smooooooth he is by jumping over a bull that’s charging at him.

The makers of Ciroc Ultra Premium want to present ‘Bull Jumping’ with Diddy Combs. Presumably, they’re not advising you do the same after drinking their smooth booze. You’re not smooth enough and nor will having a quick snifter make you smooth enough.

No. You’re not Puff Daddy. We can’t underline that enough.

See, he’s so smooth that he can leap over a bull without breaking sweat. We’re surprised he didn’t break into a cheeky version of Spanish Flea on a kazoo while doing it.

Think we’re fibbing? Look for yourself, non-believer!

This post was sponsored by Ciroc Ultra Premium. Clip directed by Dave Meyers.

Winners. Who needs ‘em? Winners are the biggest pains in the rump, ever. They strut around with their winning medals, their certificates of achievement, their degrees, their neat handwriting and, most importantly, a complete absence on personality.

See, if you’re the kind of person who devotes themselves to winning and excellence, then chances are, you’ve no friends.

That’s because everyone ultimately loves a loser. That’s because there’s more losers than there are winners. And yet, such importance is put on coming first, that the glorious last-placer has to define themselves by other things. Brilliant things.

Think about it. The jock that wins the trophy is celebrated in that last-minute cup final goal, that last ditch field goal, that desperate, lunging interception. They make the annals of some book of statistic and then, while all the losers in the bleachers leave the sporting arena to get drunk, that field of people who consistently won throughout their lives dust themselves off and start all over again.

That’s because the quest to win never stops.

However, the loser who is lousy at sports and doesn’t get the girl or boy, channels their loserdom into something else. Something marvellous. Just think about this for a second – the vast majority of great art created was about some loser not getting any action.

All the greatest music ever made was explicitly about people talking about their lusts and desires. That’s because they sucked. The sucked so bad that they couldn’t get the eye of the person they wanted. Those that could certainly didn’t have time to be creating art about it. They haven’t got time to be bored enough to create or haven’t got the wherewithal to take stock of that tumultuous, gut-wrenching feeling because they’re fending off suitors with a big stick.

And even when losers do find love, they spend their time mawkishly telling everyone about it because they can’t believe their luck!

That means, every great ballad, every great tale of love-lost, every great story of a yearning heart, was written by a miserable loser. A glorious, wonderful runner-up.

So forget the notion that you should chase first-place all the time. You shouldn’t. Leave that for the dullards with their gym-memberships and salaries.

A pessimist is never disappointed and no medal ever articulated the heart. Embrace your inner-loser.

This post was sponsored by Dos Equis. Lovely.

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Lynx (or ‘aftershave substitute’) gets you the girls, right? There’s no point plodding around smelling of yourself. That’s never going to woo the opposite sex is it?

And those scamps at Lynx have gone and made a funny advert which we can unlock the secrets of by pressing buttons.

That’s right. If you hit 5,7,3 and 8 on your keyboard while watching their newest viral thingy (which you can see over the jump), you’ll… well… we won’t spoil the surprise.

This new Lynx ad sees you pushing the button just like the Sugababes to reveal something delightfully puerile. We love puerile. Puerile is our favourite thing.

London ad agency Razorfish have mucked around with a thing called ‘shortcut scrubbing’.

If you’re not a technerd, ‘shortcut scrubbing’ turns the numbers of your keyboard into markers within a YouTube video. So, you skip around and pressing combinations affects the timeline of the video.

And in the case of this Lynx vid, pressing 5,7,3,8 shows you what this viral is all about.

So watch the video here and you’ll be bashing the buttons like nobody’s business.

And no. That’s not a euphemism. Dirty swine.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!