We’ve all had a very hard week haven’t we? Valentine Day is completely sorted (some chocolates, that 7p ASDA Valentine’s card and a quickie will do), our interest in Katy Wix and Anna Crilly, the two women who advertise Harvey’s during Coronation Street, has started waning and we’ve emotionally dealt with that, we’ve seen Madonna’s vagina more times this week than we’d like to admit, and we’ve fended off numerous LoveFilm ambushes on the High Street (they can’t ask us whether we like film if they have no tongues).

We should probably treat ourselves.

Well, the hecklerspray bedsit has your back, because as of today, we’re going to give you even more things to watch. And that’s not all either. We’re doing away with focusing on just the weekend, and instead peering our beady gaze over the ENTIRE WEEK. Hopefully this will stop you all from drinking heavily through the stress of not knowing what to watch on a Wednesday, and definitely do away with the worry of not having anything to talk about while you’re stood at the smoking hut. Samaritans staff more telephonists during Wednesdays because Eastenders isn’t on and no one talks about Midsomer Murders anymore.

So this is how it’s going to work everyone. We’ll pick you one thing each day, which is unequivocally the best thing on, and you’ll praise us for precisely seven days until the next thrilling instalment of WATCH THIS! is out. Got it? Good. Now let’s carry on before we realise that we’ve just made a suicide joke and that you laughed.

Saturday

The Jonathan Ross Show, ITV1, 9:15pm

Tom Hardy is a bonafide, almost A-list Hollywood star. He’s starred opposite Christian Bale, Leonard di Caprio and Jeremy Piven in some of the biggest films of the recent few collection of months we called “years.” So it seemed odd that he would have such a bad sense of humour to be embarrassed when Jonathan Ross plucked some pictures of him modelling on The Big Breakfast years and years ago and he’s thrown a right twizzy fit.

Keira Knightley, Denzel Washington and Dione Warwick are also on tonight’s show, but it’s all about the Hardy tonight. It’s always nice when you see major film stars almost lose their rag over the slightest thing. It makes them look even more slightly human, and that’s always a good thing. If we’re fortunate Dione Warwick might sing “Do You Know The Way To San Jose”, that would be like having Christmas, payday and a free Bank Holiday rolled into one.

Sunday

The Wedding Proposal, Channel 4, 9pm

Valentine’s Day is just round the corner. If it was any closer, it would be classed as “imminent.” And Valentine’s Day is the cue for deluded people who think that they will truly die together to propose to their equally deluded girl/boy/animalfriends. This documentary, hastily shoved together to include all of the things that the internet is about; flashmobs and people feeling so cringeworthy that any more and they will implode in on themselves.

In this dire excuse for a documentary, we follow four people who are secretly planning extravagant and elaborate ways to pop the question, and make people who are perenially single watchers either cry themselves into their vodka martini, or bolster what small resolve they have in getting Justin Bieber to finally see their desperate tweets, and propel them one step closer to their Happily Ever After. Warning: Chris Brown will probably come round for Sunday dinner so you’d better make that dinner the best that Nigella could make. Otherwise it’ll be puddings a-flying and you’ll be cleaning gravy off the hearth for days after.

This week we will see some organise a flashmob in London’s Covent Garden and a proposal on the West End stage. Sounds utterly dreadful and not what being English is about.

Monday

Olympic Tickets For Sale, Channel 4, 8pm

Remember when Lord Seb Coe and Denise Lewis were urging us to get behind the bid to bring the Olympic Games to London, and telling us how beneficial it would be to the country; both financially and for the country’s morale? Or when it became apparent that, because the arenas were going to be in the very heart of London, it would mean that the sudden increase in people staying in the city would have a massively detrimental effect on the standard of public transport and crime? And then can you remember when it seemed like the Olympics are actually only just over 100 days away and there’s nothing you can do about backing out now?

And remember when the actual opposite of what the announcers said occurred and the 1.8 million people who had applied for tickets got very annoyed because it turned out no one could get hold of any tickets because the systems used to buy them were shit, and that some people were buying them in bulk, to sell on again at an astronomical mark up and that was before all the dirty officials earmarked some for their own nefarious gain? Well, this documentary is set to make you feel even more annoyed as it looks at what actually happened when the tickets went on sale. Wonderful, right?

Tuesday

Death Unexplained: BBC1, 10:35pm

How awful is death, right? One minute, you’re trundling along, minding your own business, maybe thinking about having noodles for tea. You’ve not had them for a while and you’re meant to be on a diet. ‘Are noodles fattening?’ you think to yourself and before you get to put your question on Twitter and get a barrage of insipid responses you see smoke billowing from a nearby florist. What do you do? Stand and tweet about that instead? Of course not, you dive straight in to see if you can save some of the gardenias or chrysthanthemums. But what happens when you succumb to smoke inhalation? What takes place when you get wheeled into a morgue and start getting prodded and poked by sharp instruments?

Not for the faint hearted, there’s full frontal dead bodies literally all over the place, but it is a bleak and unromantic view of death that you might not have thought you wanted to explore, but we’re not being funny here, isn’t the slightly morbid side of your touching himself in the pants thinking about it?

Wednesday

Roger and Val Have Just Got In, BBC2, 10pm

If you missed the first series of this gentle, at times bewildering-why-its-funny comedy, then consider this a healthy reprieve on why you shouldn’t bother. Unfunny, and at times, like watching white paint dry on a white wall, you’ll soon wonder why you bothered. We can only manage a record 17 minutes before something shiny distracted us. It’s a shame really because we like Dawn French, and have admittedly ambivalent feelings for Alfred Molino, and want her to succeed a-plenty, but this really isn’t cutting the mustard.

Perhaps it’s too gentle and not forceful enough to stand it’s own against other comedies that are kicking around like Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy, or the cavalcade of Friends Comedy Central now has the monopoly on, but whatever reason, it falls just short of the mark. Maybe if they added a tap dancing monkey with a quick quipping wife. Or the neighbours from ‘Keeping Up Appearances.’ The way she couldn’t hold a cup of coffee because Patricia Routledge was such a feminist lesbian was hilarious. Thats definitely what they should do. Is Dawn French on Twitter? Someone should tell her about our idea.

Thursday

A Dad Is Born – A Wonderland Film, BBC2, 9pm

If you’re fortunate enough not have your life burdened by the pitter patter of tiny, grubby, germ ridden feet, then give yourself a giant massive pat on the back. If you have decided that abortions aren’t for you, then get your Kleenex (or other brands that aren’t used extensively in the hecklerspray bedsit) ready because although One Born Every Minute has as many scenes staring into the depths of very womanhood crammed into one hour as possible, this film focuses on the understated role of the father.

Three men, Greg, Viktor and Jamie are approaching the final stages of their partner’s pregnancies and we will follow them as they deal with the essential early bonding stages, as well as dirty nappies, sick babies and the worst thing facing new parents; worrying whether that child will grow up to be worse than Piers Morgan. Imagine how regretful Piers Morgan’s parents are they didn’t take the option of an abortion.

Hunky men holding a baby and probably crying. That should ease the sting of no one wanting to give you a poke on Valentine’s Day shouldn’t it?

Friday

The Mad Bad Ad Show, Channel 4, 10pm

We could say that it’s nice to have a show that uses Micky Flanagan to his hilarious best, except this isn’t. We would also like to say that seeing Mark Watson on a show that doesn’t want to sell us cider is nice, except its not. We could also say that having a panel show that finally harnesses the hilarious power of adverts we all hate is long overdue. Except we’ve already done it: have you seen Badvertising, incidentally? It’s very funny and should definitely be televised.

Apparently the panellists will be joined by celebrity guests and industry insiders which lift the lid on classic adverts from years past and funny ones from abroad, some of which might even have nudity in them. You know what those foreigners are like, it’s all boobs and Brazilian thongs with that lot. Tonight’s mirth contribution comes from Lorraine Kelly and Josh Widdicombe. To be honest, we don’t know why we’re putting the effort in watching because they’ve clearly not put the effort in making it.

So we’ve looked over 168 hours of programming just for you. Just for you. Don’t say that we don’t look after you, because we don’t, and the least you could do is write some lovely words under here. We’ll know if you don’t.

Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.

It doesn’t mean they’re good- as you can see Dep Ed Michael & ‘Spray scribe Euan have very, very shaky hands. That doesn’t matter though because, for your viewing pleasure, they’ve had a think about what Lawyers do when they’re not out chasing ambulances.

Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.  We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic  rummage  in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.  All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.  We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.  We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

10. Remember childhood?  Unless you’ve repressed all memory it should be a golden hued, nostalgia filled delusion of possibilities and innocence.  Anything was possible, remember?  You were going to be a secret agent astronaut who had an infinite supply of pogs.  It’s all been a downward spiral of disappointment ending in erectile dysfunction and rubber pants from there.  If only you’d learnt to go out and grab what you want.  If only you weren’t afraid of breaking the rules.  If only you were Noah Jeffrey, a 3 year old so who said “bum-bum-poohead” to a life of dejection and scheduled nap times.  He’s so cool, we’d eat the dried, crusty snot from his top lip.

9. Bollocks.  Arty Bollocks to be precise.  This site serves no real purpose whatsoever. You click a button and it spouts some overblown shite about ‘consumerist fetishism’ and ‘constructed dialogues’.  It’s the sort of long worded drivel spouted in those ‘tastefully tatty’ bars full of tight trousered twats with ‘ironically terrible’ hair. We tried applying it to hecklerspray.  Apparently we’re an “undefined phenomena become undefined through undefined and critical practice, the viewer is left with a glimpse of the limits of our era.”  What the hell does that even mean?

8. More bollocks. Utter, total gonads.  Big, hairy surreal ones at that. Illogicopedia is fascinatingly bizarre, stocked to the gills with nonsensical babble and outrageous drivel.  Built on the same lines as Wikipedia, only twice as entertaining and infinitely less useful.  There is not a single true statement hiding anywhere in the vast mire of twaddle that is Illogicopedia, which make is hilariously entertaining for about 10 minutes.  William Shatner‘s entry is worth a look.

7. This is just rotten stuff.  But we can’t stop reading it.  Tucker Max is an asshole.  The introduction to his website is “Hi, I’m Tucker Max and I am an asshole.”  He really is a terrible human being, we want to be him.  He’s rich, smart and gets laid.  A lot.  The website is a chronicle of the worst things Max has done in his 20-something years.  Most of them involve models and are told with lines such as…  Sorry, we’ve been searching the site for an hour and there isn’t a single quote we can put on even our sullied pages.  The trailer from an upcoming Tucker Max Movie might give you an idea what we mean.

6.  Another self-proclaimed sphincter here.  But this one is amusing rather than compulsively repulsive.  Emails from an Asshole pretty much does as it says.  Any chance to send irritating emails to someone is seized upon with impish glee and some poor sucker’s day is guaranteed to get worse.  It’s spawned an old fashioned paper compendium that’s probably done the rounds.  But who wants to read something you have to touch with you hands? What is this, 1993? Check out the archives for a few hours of amusement and in this case, kitten mangling horror.

5.  If that’s not enough time wasting archive dwelling for you, try B3ta.com.  This forum has been going since 5 minutes before the big bang and is populated with some of the best bad ideas we’ve ever seen.  The site is totally devoted to the sharing of ideas for products that is describes as “completely fucking useless shit”.  With the likes of the Salmon Cannon, “firing your salmon has never been easier” and Dr Glomp’s Turd Polish we can’t really argue.

4.  Enough time wasting for you? Fancy doing something constructive? Darksites.com tore themselves away from animated vampire girls for long enough to help you take over the world.  The Evil Guide Plan helps those of a world dominating but indecisive nature to plot their rise to power.  Simply enter your desired goals and preferred methods and the Evil Guide Plan breaks it all down into 3 easy steps with fashion advice an agreeable ego stroking.

3.  Lego men are always smiling.  What have the got to look so smug about?  They don’t even had elbows or knees and yet they grin at you with their cylindrical heads with an unsettling superiority.  We hate Lego men with such a passion we can forgive these boys for being Canadian after what they did to this happy yellow chappy.

2. We’ve all dreamt of having sex with a robot we built in our parent’s garage.  Good news! It can be done.  Thanks to a guy called Zoltan you can now hump a creepy fembot to your lonely heart’s content.  Which is a sentence we’ve been dying to write since we got our Journalism degree.  There’s many an article been penned about Zoltan and his android humping ways.  The best is an in-depth account of science meeting heartbreak and Zoltan’s technical genius being unleashed “with a doll and some hacked teledildonics”.  There’s another line we wished we’d written.  The worst article out there is not worth reprinting but is titled “A Motherfucking Robot I Tells Ya.”

1. Now, this video is hosted on a Christian video sharing site.  We are aware of the irony of us mentioning it on our pages.  Especially in an article that condones using children as pint sized agents of crime and sex with robots. Even with our heretical ways this clip came close to melting our cynical exteriors.  These guys are 90, they don’t have long left.  The Reaper’s grasping at their shirt collars, ready to yank them into the hereafter.   But not before they’ve had a jolly good sing-song.  Watch it, grin despite yourself and then wonder how much urine was spilled during the performance.

Webthump utilises a team of 10,000 trained chimpanzees to enter random searches into Google.  After sifting through millions of banana related results we are left with 10 items worth publishing.  If you wish to join our team of chimps drop suggestions on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter.

This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all because in our own way, we love you.

You’re like the children we never wanted.

Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Just one week left to get a date for Valentine’s Day! Once we’ve stopped laughing we’ll get back to you on how to do this.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

The stars play a huge part in your life this week when you show a Leo just how much you care in the local park. You also accidentally show a Scorpio and a Pisces and are beaten up in prison by a Virgo.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini are a year older than they were this time last year.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You can relax. Despite your sign’s name you will never, EVER get this disease.  However, if there was a sign called recurring yeast infection, we couldn’t make the same bold statement.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

We don’t know much. But we know we love you. And that may be all you need to know.  That and your cat hates you.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

The planets have been discussing you and quite frankly they’re as disgusted with you as everyone else in your life.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

This week you sleep with all of your followers on Twitter. Congratulations! You’ve just made two spambots very happy.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You receive a surprise phone call on Wednesday! It’s from Rocky Dennis. He wants his face back.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

A work colleague complains about the cold this week for the 17th time so you set fire to his desk and he never mentions it again.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

For once in your miserable life things go the way you want them to.  New car, new boyfriend and the only thing that stops us from feeling bitter about this is what lies in store for you next week. Two words. Closed casket.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

We’re pleased to tell you that your house isn’t haunted! Oh no, that creepy girl who’s been crawling across your bedroom floor every night is very much alive and dangerous.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You can’t help feeling like your lonely life is just one poorly written joke. ‘Knock Knock.’ Who’s there? No-one.  You’re right!

A couple of weeks ago we asked you to vote on which of our regular ‘best of the web’ features would survive and live to fight on through the murky world of the World Wide Web.

It was a tough fight and some things were said which neither competitor is particularly proud of but we do have a winner. From this Wednesday, your ‘best of the web’ feature will be…

Enjoy!

Hello. You’ve landed on the hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 liveblog. Here, you’ll find a limey’s confused view on proceedings, complete with drunken ribaldry, American snack reviews, arrogance, a willful disregard for spelling and enough lame jokes to fill the average American’s cavernous gut. It’ll be great. Abuse and pedantry always welcome.

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

You may think the Super Bowl is all about a sporting event, but you’re wrong. It’s all about television and, specifically, the adverts that litter the game. American Football is the perfect sport for the advertising exec.

Why?

Well, not only is America filled with vain, greedy sporting superstars who are willing to shill to the highest bidder, but American Football is also filled with stop/start action and, for every stop, there’s a chance for a television advert. To many, the commercials are the whole reason for tuning in. IMAGINE! Anyway, if you can’t be bother with all that sport cluttering up a perfectly good break, here’s the ten best Super Bowl big game commercials.

It’s worth pointing out that, 2012 is a weird Super Bowl year. Away from the game, this year sees most of the big match commercials being put online prior to the game, which kinda takes out the surprise element which made the ads worth tuning in for.

Either way, they’re a talking point again, which will be good news to dead-hearted advertisers, who have all spent gigantic amounts of money for their precious 30 seconds of airtime.

Of course, if you live in the UK, you won’t see any of these because the Super Bowl is shown on the BBC, which doesn’t have commercials, so expect near endless punditry.

Anyway, here’s the ten best commercials.

The Seinfeld One

The One With Curtains Made From Pizza

The One Where A Woman Assaults A Man

The Star Wars One

The Awful Ferris Bueller One

The David Beckham In His Underpants One

The One Where The Bloke Nearly Dies

The One With The Man Who Has A Singing Shoulder

The One With A Vampire Party

The One With A Car Full Of Dogs

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right?

Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You can almost smell the stale popcorn.

So, here’s what the week in film trailers looks like for those of you who are hearing and/or visually impaired we’re doing the dirty work so you don’t have to.

Now if you’re still one of the poor serfs who has Spotify or television adverts in your life then you will have been numbed by the incessant marketing of a film called Chronicle.

You’ll all be delighted to know this is coming to an end as the film is out tomorrow, but here it is one more time just to make sure you never go and watch it.

What’s that? Douche-bag school kids who probably say things like douche-bag all the time and a ‘found’ film? Either way, these bozos have super powers and one of them goes a little bit psycho. They listen to, sing, and enjoy Jessie J and then they have the nerve to ask us what we’re capable of. Well we’re capable of not watching this movie that’s for sure.

This on the other hand we don’t even really want to discuss, but before you watch it we want to devastate you with the news that you will soon be witnessing Al Pacino starring as himself in Adam Sandler’s ‘The Death of Comedy’ where he plays his own twin sister. Eddie Murphy must be furious.

Eurgh.

More odd is that here’s a trailer for a good film for you! Well, it looks good at any rate. See? We’re not wholly negative goons.

HA! We made you watch one of the Olsen sisters act. She’s not on crack though and she doesn’t have an eating disorder so it’s all looking up for Martha Marcy May Marlene. Plus it has John Hawkes, who is the most underrated actor of a generation and Brady Corbet who is hot stuff for you members of the population who can’t watch a film unless it has good abs and hair being flaunted for at least 45 minutes.

Okay, you’re going to want to ready yourselves for the next one, it’s by Jason Reitman and Diablo ‘used to be a whore in practice now just in your thoughts’ Cody.

On a level of your new favourite movie to totally crapping twee how good/awful does that look?

Charlize Theron was good as an ugly serial killer in that film that was about the ugly serial killer, but she’s much better as a smoking hot grade a bitch.

Now go to the cinema and stop bothering us.

Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.

The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.

But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!

And TALKING of humiliating, here are the top celebrity ailments that have subsequently been ailing US all bloody week.

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

The album Born To Die is available now on iTunes worldwide:smarturl.it/LanaAlbumiTunes xxx LDR xxx

—-

Hey Lana,

There’s absolutely nothing we can do about that apart from not buy it and try and ignore as much press surrounding it as possible. AT LEAST let us do that for you. Bubz. Oh, sorry – you think the woman who awards herself the pseudonym of ‘The Gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ doesn’t want to be universally ignored? Well, we assume you also buy 1% milk and think it’s really great when people tell you the weight of their newborn children though, so I guess we should have seen that coming.

So, Lana – like we said, it’s out there now. Now, we’re not saying it’s a mistake – but what is important to learn here, is that we all learn from our mistakes, and mistakes are part of the human condition. We’re sure you already know that. We’re sure you ironically own all of the Dalai Lama’s books already. Maybe use this time of reflection to have a look through one of those. Surely there are more pressing matters for you at the moment anyway?

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

Right, just bearing in mind that I’m Lana Del Ray, David Sneddon’s Stop Living the Lie isn’t really as mellifluously challenging as I was hoping it would be.  :( xxx LDR xxx

Mmm-hmm.

DJFlash4eva Grandmaster Flash

KimKardashian Kim Kardashian

81 degrees in the winter!?! Gotta love LA

Dear Kim,

Yeah we know, the zany weather, eh? Sometimes we just stand by our kettles continuously boiling water just to see if we can get some sensation back into our joints via osmosis.

Oh, that doesn’t really answer your problem.

TheRealDjCasper DJCASPER

justinbieber Justin Bieber

got me

Dear Justin Bieber,

We’re not really sure who you are aside from the fact you appear to be the sole propietor and hold all fringe benefit of the word ‘believe’. So we’ll just give you a quick Google and see where we go from there.

–

OH MY GOD YOU’RE LIKE IF GOD HAD A MAGICAL BABY. AT STONEHENGE. AT THE STROKE OF SABBATH. MID-STARSAILOR GIG.

Do people KNOW?

ollyofficial Olly Murs

SERIOUSLY GUTTED this evening!! Just Missed Part 2 ‘BIRDSONG’ on BBC1… #badtimes

Dear Olly,

FOR GOD’S SAKE OLLY. We reminded you ALL. DAY.  And yes, you did miss all the fit birds getting Thumbelina’d up the Alan Whickers, yes. Yes you did before you ask. And all the middle class industrial unease, yes. And no, the jews didn’t ‘win’. We know, we really thought they’d got it in the bag this time too. But you know, some of us invested an hour and a half of our time to find out at least. You really should Sky+ next time before you go out on your bi-weekly evenings out laying down Durex trails for the girls in Nandos wearing trilbys. Although yeah, admittedly that was a very boss Sunday night. But you still.. you know. Be careful, Olly.

ronanofficial Ronan Keating

Last night in the early hours of the morning an empty truck full of bricks ran over a dead cat and nearly killed him

Christ, righto. Erm…

Not really our field, Ronan. Maybe check the Directgov site for care assessment advice? Or, you know, Rolf Harris?

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Join us next week, where we solve the ongoing mystery of Kerry Katona’s rapidly diminishing collection of Coco Pops Straws.

Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she’s sleeping with your workmate.  Sorry.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

You meet someone at the train station today. He’s playing a song for you on a ukulele. He finally stops when you beat him to death with it.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

With Valentine’s Day approaching, now may be a good time to have that facial boil lanced. Even the universe can’t look at you.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

Your girlfriend looks like an angel when she sleeps. Your wife however, looks like a potato. On Friday you start divorce proceedings.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Every week the planets surprise us and maps out a week of happiness and wealth for one lucky star-sign. It’s Libra. You get eaten by wolves.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

On Thursday you win a staggering amount of money and can finally afford to pay someone to sleep with you! They won’t but it’s still progress.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

It’s a little known fact that Scorpios are four times more likely to need anal surgery than any other star-sign.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Tell that woman you love her. Go on! She’ll totally reject you in public but at least you’ll have one interesting story to tell your psychiatrist this week.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Don’t feel too upset, no one could have predicted that man was only after you for your money. Well except us, but where’s the fun in that?

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

The stars care even less about you than we do.  We have no idea what’s going to happen but we can still guarantee it’ll be awful.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You finally stop smoking this week! You needn’t have bothered, the fags were never going to kill you, it was always going to be that falling piano.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

You’re familiar with first world problems, right? Running out of mustard, the laundry room is all the way down in the basement or the DVR cut off the first 15 seconds of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These are first world problems.

Third world problems, on the other hand, are things like two oily men with the magical powers of a witch going around trying desperately to rape all the virgins in your village.

That, reportedly, is something a district in Malaysia is currently dealing with.

Remember the Popobawa? We wrote about it a few years ago. It’s a bat-winged cyclops that goes around raping men mostly in a place called Pemba. He terrorizes entire towns at a time.

Something somewhat similar is happening in Malaysia right now, except instead of one terrifying and horny monster there are two of them. AsiaOne.com gives us the low down:

“…what the residents of this village were worried about were not humans, instead they were keeping an eye out for not one, but two, supernatural beings. They are under attack from a couple of orang minyak (oily man), they claim. This village has been buzzing with sightings of the two paranormal creatures for the last 10 days.

“Many residents claim to have seen and heard the orang minyak around the vicinity of the Pangsapuri Laksamana and Jalan Laksamana. And they all say the same thing the orang minyak are clad only in their underwear and drenched in black shiny oil. They can jump from one roof to another with ease, and vanish into thin air within seconds.”

Well we don’t know about all the jumping and vanishing stuff, but as far as the underwear-clad oily description goes – it sounds like our own Mof Gimmers.

You might wonder what the Oily Men are doing around the town there. The answer, according to local lore, is they’re trying desperately to rape a certain amount of virgins so they can get black magic’s equivalent of the Eagle Scout rank. You don’t believe us? Well check out what AsiaOne says about it:

“As reported by a local Malay daily, the 17-year-old girl did not only see the orang minyak a few times, but also felt “someone” caressing her and calling her to go out of the house. It reportedly also locked the family members outside the house on Christmas eve, forcing the girl’s brother-in-law Kamal Bahari Satar, 36, to break down the door. We saw a black heap underneath the kitchen table. When other residents poked it with a bamboo stick, we could see blood stains.”

The black mass then fled to a neighbor’s house. Mobs have taken to the streets in search of the two greasy wizards. Although some have seen them, thus far they’ve been unable to capture one.

Really though, even if they managed to get there hands on one it’d probably be really slippery. After all, they’re covered in grease.

Smart move, greasy man, smart move indeed.

World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.