There’s something rather amazing about Nicolas Cage films. It’s not that he can’t act – although, seriously, we’re not sure that he can – it’s more that you simply don’t know whether you’re going to spend the last few moments of the credits shouting furiously at the screen and simulating over-the-top air rabbit punches, or hugging everyone else in the cinema, because you’ve just shared a moment together. A wonderful wonderful moment. A moment that could end in sex.

High points in his career include: Con Air, Wild at Heart, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Vampire’s Kiss, and Adaptation. Whilst crippling, “let’s brick up this picture house!”, low points can be found after watching Snake Eyes, World Trade Centre, Ghost Rider, or, especially, The Wicker Man – a film which must surely rank as the worst remake of all time. There isn’t another actor on the planet capable of such a movie-going lottery. He’s either excellent, or shit. There is nothing in between.

Well, the good news filtering through the grapevine is that he’s magnificent in the upcoming remake of Bad Lieutenant – which, remember, was a 1992 film, starring Harvey Keitel, about a really bad lieutenant. He was a horrible lieutenant in fact. They should really have called it Horrible Lieutenant.

Anyway, with this great news singing in our ears, we thought we’d celebrate a cluster of remakes that were definitely better than the originals…

Ocean’s Eleven

The first outing for this movie featured all of the big stars of 1960 – Sinatra, Martin, Davis Jnr, some other people. And, for the most part, it’s shockingly bad. Hence, it came as no real surprise that Clooney and his goons did a much better job of it in 2001, even with Don Cheadle on board, doing everything he could to bollocks the whole thing up with a preposterous “British” accent. On the downside, every sequel since has been steadily worse than the one before, which probably means that Oceans Sixteen will actually cause an outbreak of hysterical cinema suicides. Stop now.

Scarface

It’s actually a close call, this. The first one – made in 1932, about a mobster called Tony Camonte – is a gripping tale of a man rising up the criminal ladder. It’s pretty good. But, Pacino totally blows the thing out of the water in the Florida-based 1983 remake, in which he plays Tony Montana – a street smart Cuban, who shouts obscenities throughout the film, then shoots people up whilst magnificently high on cocaine. It’s Pacino’s tour du force, and it basically introduced the world to his brand new acting technique, which we like to call “shouting”.

Twelve Monkeys

Bruce Willis isn’t a million miles away from Cage in his ability to pick horrendous films, but one that was anything but rubbish was Twelve Monkeys, which found ex-Python freak Terry Gilliam on extremely weird form as the director. It’s a strange tale of time travel, world wars, freaky visions, mad scientists, and not really any monkeys whatsoever. Interestingly, it adapted much of the plot from a 1962, short French film called La Jetée, which featured only still images, a pretentious voice over, and was probably much enjoyed only by pipe smoking women who liked to wear gentlemen’s trousers. In that case, a man travels through time, meets a beautiful woman, then realises that his childhood memory of watching a man get shot was actually him witnessing his own death as an adult. Sounds very familiar, that.

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Oh yeah, everyone’s gone crazy bananas ever since Simon Cowell allowed the public to cast Lucie Jones back to her dreary Welsh village, where she can forever plat people’s hair, and regale them with tales about the time she wore razor-cut denim, and sung a song that no one had ever heard of.

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” they will ask. “I’m Lucie Jones,” she will declare, standing up from her seat, imagining the warmth of a spotlight once again caressing her stupid Welsh face. “Lucie Jones, the lonely girl from Wales, who went on to national fame and stardom… for about a month.” She’ll then either start frenziedly hacking at her own arms, or take up board and lodgings in whichever dumpster Shane Ward and Leon Jackson have now decided to call home.

The point being that it doesn’t matter one jot that Cowell saved those turdish Irish twins at the weekend. Like the rest of them, fast forward a few months, and they will be touching themselves for coins in some rancid little corner of the internet. This is an early-evening variety show – Leona Lewis and JLS aside, it doesn’t produce actual stars. So everyone should just shut up.

Plus it’s not the first time that the important X Factor judges/general public have cocked things up anyway. Read on, and we’ll tell you some more…

1. Rowetta didn’t win the first series

Rowetta, to jog your memory, was the Madchester casualty who spoke like someone had removed her voice box and replaced it with a Moog keyboard set to “random”. And yet, the woman could sing like she was splodged on planet Earth for the sole purpose of interpreting songs in the style of Shirley Bassey with ‘roid rage. Yes, she was that amazing. But was she good enough for the demanding X Factor audience? Hell no, sister. They liked Steve Brookstein much more, mainly because he occasionally pointed to his girlfriend when he sang, and then once whimpered like a great big flannel when Sharon Osbourne told him off in front of the entire country. We’d love to say that Rowetta had the last laugh, but, really, she didn’t.

2. They kept Chico in for about two months too long

Forget the gurning Irish idiots, Chico was like a nation of pillocks rolled into one. He even had a catchphrase, which we shouted along to – What time is it? Chico time! – which makes us hate him even more. He made us look like total twats. The judges had the chance to get rid of the lurching, tone deaf imbecile in week one, then again in weeks three, and seven, but they didn’t. But did we complain, as Addictiv Ladies, Phillip Magee and The Conway Sisters slumped into the metaphorical roadside ditch? No, we couldn’t give a shit.

3. The show validated the existence of Journey South and The McDonald Brothers

Of particular horror were Journey South, a set of dead-eyed brothers who sang U2 songs, whilst staring gormlessly into the middle-distance. Each time the judges cast their verdicts, it was like they were talking to a couple of discarded puppets, draped on stage, unaware of what was going on. A nightmare scenario would be to attend a dinner party hosted by the brothers, mainly because the highlight of the evening would be explaining in detail your exact route from your house to theirs. Ditto all of the above for the McDonald Brothers, with the only defining difference being that they were Scottish.

4. The judges kicked out Laura White

Forget Alexandra Burke, the real star of last year’s X Factor was Laura White, who dominated the early weeks with her amazing jazz/soul voice. She was head and shoulders above the rest. But then, for some ungodly reason, she was kicked off by the judges just halfway through the show – missing out in the sing-off to Ruth Lorenzo, who, admittedly, had startling breasts. Even so, it was a travesty. A total travesty.

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If you’re going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn’t want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right?

Wrong, apparently.

As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward’s junk might look like. It’s after the jump, so proceed with caution…

The site describes it as ”….a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.”

Like the abstinent sparkle prince, himself, the dildo is shimmery and can also be kept in the fridge for a more authentic experience. They’ve literally thought of everything, I guess. How lovely. I for one, can definitely envisage a scenario in which a mentally balanced person, who does not live alone with five cats, does not write Harry Potter Slash fiction and does not have an OKCupid page in which she lists her religion as ‘Wiccan’ purchasing this item. Certainly.

But it’s not just Twilight, though. Another friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon which he described as ‘nightmarish’. He was not far wrong.

Have you ever wanted to pretend you were having sex with an anthropomorphic dragon? No? Congratulations on not being completely and utterly batshit insane. I literally buried my face in my hands when I saw the website. We should all repent while there’s still time. Surely a cleansing hellfire can’t be far off if these monstrosities are in production. Dragon dildos are a sign of the end times.

Their forums are full of happy reviewers who just can’t get enough of these perfectly nauseating cries for help. A quote from user ‘Rayneuki’ that I feel probably sums up the average customer ‘‘….And my cat had jumped onto the bed to sniff the strange penis that was now placed on my heaving chest.” Fantastic.

Or what better way to honour the president of the United States Of America than by masturbating with a plastic sex toy moulded in the shape of his face? ”For those too lazy to defecate on a picture of his family”.

Then there’s the ‘alien dildo‘. The about section does not answer the question I asked and that question is simply ‘why?’. Serious question. If you are the creator of alien dildos, I would love for you to answer this question so I can go on living my life.

I just added this Mantrix dildo because its the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. The male model was obviously wearing glasses so the photographer wouldn’t see how hard he was crying. Jesus Christ. I wonder if anyone ever thinks their movie related dildo is really dated.

Thanks for reading my guest blog about dildos. I feel like I probably should have mentioned it was NSFW.

This filth was down to Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. Blame her.

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Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview.

Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris?

Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread…

1. Make a joke out of it

When Hugh Grant was caught having his gentlemanly penis attended to by a street-side prostitute in his car, it could have spelt curtains for the actor. Yet, Hugh turned the whole thing to his advantage by upping the ‘bumbling aristocrat’ setting on his personality, and doing the talk show rounds making stuttered apologies, and quips about not wanting to blow his own trumpet. George Michael was equally light-hearted when he was arrested for his penis-related misdemeanour in a local toilet. Hence, one option for Chris would be to hilariously send-up his violent outburst in a music video, or laugh hysterically and start clapping his hands whenever the incident is brought up in an interview. “Yeah, what a crazy night that was – you should’ve seen the other guy!” laughs Chris. Silence.

2. Divert attention by becoming increasingly weird

Phil Spector killed a woman. Seriously, actually killed one. With a gun. You were probably aware of that fact for about a second, before becoming distracted by the wild manner in which he wore his hair. During the murder trial, he became so odd looking that most people completely forgot that he once placed a pistol into a lady’s mouth, then pulled the trigger, because they were too busy wondering how he managed to achieve so much frizz without getting an actual perm done. Taking a similar line in distraction, Chris could perhaps fashion an interesting beard, or take to wearing a dress? Then will they be talking about the time he punched Rihanna in the face? No, they’ll be asking why Chris Brown appears to be wearing a woman’s frock. Bingo!

3. Deny everything

Yes, everyone seems pretty sure that they know the truth, but OJ Simpson has spent years denying any wrong doing on the night that Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman were stabbed to death, even though he was then chased by the police, before providing a case that Columbo would probably crack in seven seconds – including a five second break to scratch his nose. Still, the constant denial worked for OJ as he was declared not guilty, and went back to his old life. Only with considerably less friends, money, or prospects. This could work for Chris. Simply backtrack, then deny everything. Yes, you won’t work again, but at least you wouldn’t spend long nights awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, regretting what you did…  Oh, you still would? Fine!

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment, who rules

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We’ve been running a lot of competitions lately, and they’ve all been doozies. But this one might just be the dooziest.

You see, today we’re giving away two flights to the Canary Islands. Not a DVD of a flight, not tickets to see the flight in concert – two actual flights that will literally take you all the way to the Canary Islands. And back again.

We’ve been given the prize by Canary Islands Tourism, and if we had any fewer scruples than we actually do, we’d fix it so that we could win. But we won’t. Competition details after the jump…

So, if you’ve over 18, based in the UK, able to visit the Canary Islands between December and March and have a mild urge to beat the winter blues, all you need to do is watch the video below and answer one simple question…

QUESTION: How badly do you want to go to the Canary Islands this winter?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Send me to the Canary Islands’. Best answer wins. The competition closes at midnight on November 12. Prize includes two return flights only. UK readers only please.

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Now this is a prize. Everyone knows how much Tekken rules. It beats Mortal Kombat. It bitch-slaps Virtua Fighter. It dumps on the chest of Street Fighter. And now Tekken 6 is out, which is beyond wonderful.

But what could make the release of Tekken 6 more wonderful? How about a competition where you can win an Xbox 360 copy of Tekken 6 that’s been signed by the game’s director Harada-San plus a selection of nonspecific Tekken 6 merchandise?

Good. After the jump, innit.

So, to win this fairly exceptional Tekken 6 prize, all you need to do is watch the game’s trailer below and answer one simple question…

QUESTION: Now that you’ve seen the Tekken 6 trailer, what do you want to do?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Punch someone straight in the face’. The competition closes at midnight on November 6 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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Ahhh, is there any greater feeling than cuddling up to the woman/man that you love, watching a frightening movie on DVD, then spending the rest of the evening in a cold sweat, convinced that if you fall asleep – even for a second – they will start surgically taking you apart with a razor blade?

This weekend it’s Halloween, which means that a large portion of young people will dress up like dicks, and go around the streets badgering people for sweets, whilst others will go to parties dressed as orcs, and a very small percentage will kill for the first time. If you don’t fit into any of those categories, perhaps you should spend the night in watching one of these six chillers?

(we were going to do 666, but decided that six would just about cover it).

Don’t Look Now, 1973

A couple head off to Venice to get over the death of their drowned daughter, then things start to get really bloody eerie. It features weird premonitions, a woman who looks like a disgusting troll, and Donald Sutherland pleasuring Julie Christie in a very sensual manner. It’s psychological.

The Shining, 1980

Oh jeepers, when those twins appeared in that hallway, we damn near yelped. And how about the sexy naked lady who suddenly morphs into a decrepit old crone. Not to mention the blood in the lifts, and Jack Nicholson’s screen wife, with the face that could make for a two hour horror film if you just filmed her sleeping. Not to be viewed alone in a mansion.

The Vanishing, 1988

There are two versions of this film, one Dutch, the other American, starring Kiefer Sutherland – the second one is a big bag of rubbish. The first, however, is a wonderfully chilling tale of a man attempting to figure out exactly what happened to his lovely girlfriend, who went missing at a petrol station, whilst presumably stocking up on Ginsters pies and a copy of Razzle. Cue strange revelations, and a rather uncomfortable end.

The Wicker Man, 1973

The Equaliser goes to a remote Scottish island, where everyone is a total pagan, which makes him sick to the insides, because he is all about Jesus. Then things get really creepy. Britt Ekland is in it, but even her naked dance can’t quite erase the chilling visions of local people wearing fox heads, rabbit hands and duck beaks, whilst hunting down our hero, who finally goes berserk religious in a big blazing wicker man. The Nicolas Cage version is also scary, but only in that it’s totally shit.

The Haunting, 1963

Possibly the best haunted house film ever, this features a small group of people stupidly going to stay in a massive creepy house to see if anything paranormal might happen. And guess what? It does, everyone gets really freaked out, and because it’s one of those old black and white films, it’s double-scary.

Halloween, 1978

The film that spawned about a million sequels, most of which are dross. But this outing, about a psychopath in a scary mask tormenting and killing people, is genuinely chilling. It also marks the beginning of an upward curve in Jamie Lee Curtis’ movie career, which went on to peak in Trading Places, then suddenly slump to the ground with a thud when she chose to put on an up-the-bum leotard in Perfect, starring John Travolta.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment. Him ace.

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For those who don’t know what Panto is, it’s like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds.

As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas.

The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin – she’s playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let’s bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes…

Henry Winkler

Ahh, we loved Henry Winkler when he played The Fonz. We particularly adored it when he used to adopt the two-thumbs-up pose and go “ehhh”, because something really cool had just happened. We also found him rather wonderful to watch in Arrested Development. However, Fonzie fans might be surprised to know that Henry counteracted his rather flaccid attempts at cracking the movie business by sneaking over to England to play Captain Hook in Milton Keynes a couple of years ago. “We don’t have panto in America,” he said, “and it sounds unbelievably fun.” It’s definitely unbelievably something, Henry.

Paul Michael Glaser

Like Henry, Paul Michael Glaser spent most of the 1970s being superhip. In his case, it was playing a cop in cardigans called Starsky. As in Starsky and Hutch. Since then, he’s stamped his mark as a director, being at the helm of one of Arnie’s finest hours, Running Man, but then slowly he descended into career hell, which culminated in him guffawing on stage for a gaggle of angry Sunderland kids, when he did a turn in Aladdin. That was during his SECOND year of panto.

Steve Guttenberg

Who didn’t love Guttenberg in the 1980s? No one, that’s who. He was the wise cracking hero in Police Academy, he did that film about aliens that make old people want to have sex, and then he dicked around with the great Tom Selleck, and the even better Ted Danson. For a time, he looked set fair to become one of the all time greats. So what happened? A very limp 1990s, that’s what. So limp that he never quite recovered, leaving his trolleyed self-esteem to disappear down the plug hole as he tottered around on a swishy US dancing show, then degraded himself further in Cinderella in Bromley. As in Kent.

Who wrote this? Why it was marvellous Josh Burt from sterling Interestment.

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Obsessed, now that was a brilliant film. Just like Fatal Attraction, but none of the women had stupid haircuts and you didn’t see Michael Douglas’ nipples.

Brilliant. And even more brilliant is the fact that, because it’s out on DVD next week, we’ve got three copies of Obsessed to give to you. You’ll like it – it’s just like Dreamgirls except Beyonce doesn’t burst into song all the poxy time and there’s a fistfight at the end of it.

Brilliant. The Obsessed competition details are after the jump…

To win one of the three Obsessed DVDs we’re giving away, all you need to do is watch the movie’s trailer below and answer a simple question:

QUESTION: If you were Stringer Bell from The Wire, would you rather have sex with Beyonce or the split personality woman from Heroes?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Stringer Bell’s sexual proclivities are none of your business‘. The competition closes at midnight on October 29 when the winners will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The trouble with time travel is that if you go to the past and step on a butterfly, that butterfly’s family will then travel to the future and murder you and everyone you love.

We can’t remember how that old adage goes, actually. That makes the Chronovisor, invented by Father Pellegrino Ernetti, quite convenient. On it, you see, you can view the past without disturbing it – TV style.

The paranormal world can stand impressively on it’s own two feet until you ask for concrete evidence of this or that. When that happens the whole thing can crumble right before an unbeliever’s eyes. Believers though – well they’re busy making evidence of their own – like the Spiricom - remember that thing? It was the machine that communicated with the dead. A few conversations using it were caught on tape – including one where the dead guy talked carrots. It’s fascinating, really.

And then there’s the Psychomanteum. That’s used for dead talking too, but it uses a lot less wires and circuit boards than the Spiricom.

Now the Chronovisor, on the other hand, it doesn’t talk to the dead – but it will let you see them. In the past we mean. Because it’s a time travel machine. Not the kind that leaves flaming skid marks – no – those one’s actually transport you to the past. Hypothetically. The Chronovisor just lets you view transpired events from the comfort of your favourite arm chair.

This according to Wikipedia:

“The chronovisor was portrayed as a large cabinet with a normal cathode ray tube for viewing the received events and a series of buttons, levers, and other controls for selecting the time and the location to be viewed. It could also focus and track specific people. According to its inventor, it worked by receiving, decoding and reproducing the electromagnetic radiation left behind from past events, though it could also pick up sound waves.”

Now if you had a machine like that, what would you tune in to first? The murder of JFK? Roswell? Your horny parents conceiving you?

Well if you were a Catholic priest, you’d probably want to watch the crucifixion. And photograph it. Like it says the machine’s inventor Father Pellegrino Ernetti did here on Wikipedia:

“He said that he observed, among other historical events, Christ’s crucifiction and photographed it. A photo of this, Ernetti said, appeared in the May 2, 1972 issue of La Domenica del Corriere, an Italian weekly news magazine.”

Obviously there was a lot of doubt and scepticism regarding Ernetti’s claims. The picture of the crucified Christ (see attached), for instance, looked an awful lot like a wood carving made by some famous or not-famous pocket knife sculptor.

To top it off, there were rumours that on his death bed Ernetti took it all back in a last ditch effort to not walk through the pearly gates with a weird lie in tow.

Also, he said the machine got dismantled in the Vatican or something – so just because nobody can show it to you doesn’t mean it never existed. If you’re the type of person who needs to see it to believe it, well, you’re probably never gonna believe it, and you’re stupid anyway. Right, Ernetti?

If it did exist it’s a real shame it’s been reduced to a pile of pieces. Think of all the murders that could be solved with something like that. Also – you could keep rewinding and watching that one awesome game-saving catch you made in the seventh grade that caused your teammates to hoist you on shoulder and carry you briskly through a shower of ticker tape and the keys to several cities.

Man, back then you were good, weren’t you?

If only your dad had brought his stupid camera.

Your kids will never believe you.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Every now and again someone, somewhere finds little stone heads for which gigantic, misshapen wolves always come hunting. Well to be sure, we said ‘every now and again’ – but we meant it only happened once that we’ve heard of. And incidentally – those wolves we mentioned, well they don’t just track you as you and your over-sized Spider-Man backpack walk to school – they angrily plod through your house too. Searching all the while.

There are dozens of reasons why you might encounter a werewolf. It could be because you’re relentlessly pursuing his daytime human girlfriend. It could be because you’ve left one too many roses on the grave of his long-dead mother who was totally vivacious back in the day. Lastly, it could be because you’re at a science fair.

We’ve a theory that werewolves really love science fairs.

As it pertains to this story – another way to meet a supernatural spirit-dog beast is to dig up two stone heads in the back yard. Once you’ve done that, the heads’ protector will show up to track them down mercilessly. It’s quite terrifying, actually. Here’s the story as told on MysteriousBritain.com:

“It was 1972, and at the Robson family home in Hexham, only ten minutes walk away from where the legendary Wolf of Allendale had roamed the woods, the two young Robson brothers dug up two small, carved stone heads whilst they were tending the garden. Several nights after the discovery of the stone heads, neighbour Ellen Dodd and her daughter were sitting up late one evening when both of them witnessed a “half-man, half beast” entering the bedroom. The pair screamed in terror but, the creature seemed indifferent to them and simply left the room, heard to be “padding down the stairs as if on its hind legs”. Later on, the front door was found open. It has been thought that the creature had been in search of something, and had left the house to continue searching elsewhere”

But what could be so important that a freaky demon gets sent up from the depths of hell to collect? The website Profiling the Unexplained gives a great description of the two heads:

“The stones, which were called the Hexham-heads, represent two different types. The first was similar to a skull and seemed to bear male traits; it was called “boy”. The stone was of a greenish grey and glittered with quartz crystals. It was very heavy, heavier than cement or concrete. The hair seemed to run in stripes from front to back. The other head, the “girl” was similar to a witch. It had wild pop-eyes and the hair was tied back to some knot. In the hair, traces of yellow and red colour could be found.

“After they have dug up the heads, the boys took them into the house. Thereby, the whole disaster commenced. The heads turned round without reason, objects broke to pieces without evident cause. When the mattress of one of the two daughters of the Robsons was dotted with broken glass, the girls moved out of the room. In the meantime, a mysterious flower bloomed at Christmas exactly on that spot, where the heads were found. Besides, a strange light was glowing there.”

And there’s the wolf – we already told you about that a bit. Well just after that the heads were given to Dr Anne Ross, who was a Celtic expert of one type or another. She said the heads were around 2000 years old. Almost as soon as the heads arrived – Ross got a visit from the wolf too. Here’s her account according to a site called GoArticles.com:

“In her own account Anne Ross described how, one night shortly after their arrival, she woke up suddenly at 2 a.m. feeling chilled and extremely frightened. At the instant of awakening she saw a tall, jet black wolf-headed figure standing against the faint white of the open door. It then moved out into the corridor and she felt an irresistible urge to follow it. This she did, seeing and hearing the figure clearly as it made its way down the darkened staircase and along the corridor towards the kitchen. Anne Ross described the figure vividly, reporting not only its blackness and tallness but also its distinct part animal, part human appearance. As the creature neared the kitchen the spell broke and Anne Ross felt fear overwhelm her and so she rushed upstairs to awaken her husband. Together they searched the house for intruders but found no-one and nothing disturbed by any forced entry and eventually concluded that she must have suffered a particularly vivid nightmare…

“[Later, as Ross' daughter] recounted, she had returned to the empty house at 4 p.m. and opened the front door with her key. As it swung open she saw something large, dark and inhuman rushing down the stairs (which faced the doorway) toward her. Half way down it had suddenly stopped and vaulted over the banisters, landing with a soft thud like a heavy animal with thickly padded feet…”

So do you believe it? You thinking about throwing out all your Hummel figurines just in case? Well before you rush to judgement and toss your fine collection that might rival that of elderly women everywhere – you should know there are sceptics. No – really there are.  For instance – one man claimed he carved the two heads with his own hands. As proof of this he carved duplicates.

Did he really make the heads? Maybe. But the werewolf makes for a far better story.

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If you like watching episodes of 24 on DVD as much as we do then you probably haven’t seen daylight in a while.

And also, good news! Season 7 of 24 is released on October 19, and to mark this momentous occasion we’ve got five DVD boxsets to give away. That’s a whole day of shouting, explosions and torture to look forward to. And before you get all “Well actually it’s only 18 hours without commercials” on us, we’re counting the DVD special features as well, which are so good you’ll want to watch them for six hours. Probably.

The competition question is after the jump. God, we love 24…

To win one of the five 24 season 7 DVD boxsets we’re giving away, all you need to do is watch the season’s trailer below and answer a simple question:

QUESTION: How badly do you wish you were Jack Bauer?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘So badly I just farted‘. The competition closes at midnight on October 19 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

24 Season 7 is out on DVD and Blu-ray now. DVD & Blu-ray Special Features include 14 Deleted Scenes, UK created featurette – ‘24 in 24’ (not on US version) behind the scenes footage, production details and 12 Audio Commentaries.

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On an average day, hecklerspray gets inundated with hundreds of emailed press releases. Some are good, most are boring and a tiny minority are so awful they actually defy definition.

Welcome to another edition of Press Release Purgatory, where we show you some of the mind-curdling crap we receive. THIS WEEK: Dina Lohan’s new shoe collection, which is entitled Shoe-Han. Yes, you read that right. Shoe-Han.

We hate our lives. Read the press release in full after the jump…

From: XXXXXXXXXX
Date: 2009/10/7 at 17:01
Subject: DINA LOHAN, ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HER OWN DESIGNER SHOELINE ”SHOE-HAN” AND BECOME NATIONAL SPOKESMODEL AT NEWS CONFERENCE ON THURS OCT 8TH-2pm NYC
To: hecklerspray

DINA LOHAN, ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HER OWN  DESIGNER SHOELINE ”SHOE-HAN” AND BECOME NATIONAL SPOKESMODEL AT NEWS CONFERENCE ON THURS OCT 8TH-2pm NYC

Dina Lohan, diva and star of the hit E! show “Living Lohan,” as well as  mother to actress and starlet Lindsay, will be holding a major press conference and media reception on Thursday October, 8th at 2pm at Trump Plaza, 725 5th Avenue, Floor 21, Marc Fisher showroom, to announce a creation of  her new own shoe line, “Shoe-han” as well as becoming a  national spokesmodel for the popular LoveMyShoes.com retail designer ladies footwear stores.

Other celebrities that have sold millions of shoes include: Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Star Jones, Carlos Santana and more.

LoveMyShoes.com hopes to have Dina’s shoes available world-wide from coast to coast by Mother’s Day. She will be appearing as a shoe fashionista later this on month on television and radio commercials. The shoe store chain was founded on Long Island, home of the Lohan family.

To reiterate: we hate our lives.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Ghosts are passe and Sasquatch seems about as scary as a bucket full of lollipops. Whatever is the former world of terror/monsters to do? Why, they need to invent some sort of a new creature to fear – and by new creature, we mean of course, children. Not just any children though – needy ones with black eyes.

Black eyed children, it seems, are a fairly new epidemic.

Of all the paranormal oddities you could encounter, few would truly terrify. If you encountered a UFO, you’d likely be nothing but awe-struck unless it seemed to be positioning itself to suck you up. If you ran into a Sasquatch you’d be too busy counting imaginary money as you aimed your mobile phone at it, and shadow people – well sure, shadow people would make you poop your pants until they slide down to your ankles.

Other than that though, nothing would really seem that bad, right? Except Black Eyed Kids. BEKs, as they are frequently quick-referenced, have a tendency to strike fear to your very core as they stand there politely asking to use your phone, bathroom or vehicle.

On the surface they seems like nice teenagers and you can’t think of one reason not to help them, but inside your skin every part of you is screaming to slam the door and hide forever. Have you heard of these kids before? It wouldn’t be too surprising if you hadn’t – they’ve only been around 10 – 15 years or so. Here’s a bit on them from Paranormal.About.com:

“The first well documented and discussed account came from a journalist named Brian Bethel in 1998. In his story, two children (not quite teens, but close) approached him as he sat in his car while parked in a parking lot. At first glance, the kids looked normal, wearing clothes that were in style and had a pale, olive colored skin. In acknowledging the two boys, Bethel was overcome with a peculiar fear that he describes in his account as: “I could feel fight-or-flight responses kicking in. Something, I knew instinctually, was not right, but I didn’t know what it could possibly be.”

“Claiming that they were on their way to see a movie but had left their money at home, the two boys asked Bethel for a ride back to their house. When Bethel did not allow them into his car, the kids seemed to get annoyed and kept asking for a ride. As Bethel’s fear and panic increased, he actually found himself wanting to open the door. However, when Bethel noticed their eyes, a primal fear took over and momentarily paralyzed him; the kids had coal black eyes, completely lacking pupils and irises.”

If you’re wondering how that encounter ended – the man sped off with an empty back seat. Most encounters with the BEKs are on your very own front porch. They’ll ring your bell and then give you a fairly inconspicuous story about how they need your phone, or that their black eyes are soon to turn yellow if you don’t please let them in for a heavy pee.

But the terror always takes over though – nobody ever lets them in because of it. And it’s a good thing too, as there’s some speculation that BEKs need permission to enter your abode before they can eat your freshly salted, semi-marinated face off.

For the record we really don’t know what the kids would do upon entrance because nobody’s ever fallen for their tricks. Well almost nobody. One man commenting in a chatroom claims he did. He also claims that what happened next seemed straight out of a horror film. It’s overly long and spellcheck-free -but a worthwhile read.

As found oon Haunted Diary.com:

I have read many accounts of these black eyed kids but i dont think any really come close to what happened to me when i let two into my house. Some people think that if you let them in that the will kill you, obiviously i can say this is not true.

this is what happened, i was sitting in my bedroom at home when i heared a knock on the door, it was not too late so i didnt hesitate opening the door to whoever it was. when i opened it there was two children standing there, both were looking at the floor. “yes ” i said, the taller one asked if they could come in as they were lost and the other boy needed the toilet. I live in an area where it is very easy to get lost, so i just ashumed that they were telling the truth and was looking down because they were shy, even though the one talking, spoke very confidently. so i let them in, the one who needed the tolitet just walked in and straight up the stairs so i shouted up its on the right, i dont know why i didnt find this strange but most toilets are upstairs and as he was young i didnt think anything of it.

i told the other one that the phone was down the hall, “thanks” he said and he started to walk down the hall, i followed him and then i suddenly came over with a really awfull feeling like something bad was going to happen, i became very nervious and a bit shakey i still cant explain how that happened, the boy stopped at the phone and paused, “everythink ok?” i asked, he turned to me and looked up and thats when i saw his eyes, and trust me i will never get that picture out of my head, i was so scared that i couldnt even scream as i turned to run down the hall the other kid was standing at the end.

i became very dizzy and stuggled to stand up, he walk closer to me and said that they had been sent to collect me, i still couldnt bear to look into his face, i pushed away from him and ran into my frontroom and slammed the door shut, i was in so much shock about what was happening i couldnt think straight, this is something that you dont even expect to happen even in movies. after standing against the door for around and hour or so i finaling got the courage to make a run for the back door, so i ran to it and unlocked it, i ran to the back of my garden and jumped over the fence not once looking back.

my friend lived close so i ran to his house, i told him the story and as i guessed he was a bit sceptic about what i had said. i convinced him to come back with me, when we got there we looked around the whole house but couldnt find them. ever since this happened i always have a dream that this kids with the black eyes stand over my bed with there hands streching to me, i hope to god that i never see these again.

Sent to collect him. Well who knows what that really means, but we assume the boys were collectors for an intergalactic zoo. That wouldn’t be a bad life though, would it? You’d eat free, people would probably bathe you with a long brush, and every time you had a kid the local news station would hold a fun contest where the winner gets to name it.

Really that kind of sounds nice, doesn’t it?

Of course it does.

If the kind of collecting they do includes a human-sized lamination machine to prevent you from bending at the corners, well – that just sounds terrible.

Let’s all continue to not let them in, shall we?

It’s agreed then.

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Hello kids, Stu here. Firstly, a bucket of thanks to good old Josh for looking after hecklerspray last week. Wasn’t he wonderful?

Secondly, allow me to briefly bang on about where I was last week. As you may have heard, Saturday was World Contraception Day 2009. And as you may have also heard, it’s something I’ve been trying to help out with. So I’ve spent the last few days in Germany doing exactly that. And what a really sodding excellent cause it is.

So after the jump you’ll find an avalanche of World Contraception Day-related photos and videos and links. And if you love me you’ll look…

First, here’s a gratuitous and slightly unnecessary photo of the World Contraception Day Youth Task Force in all its glory:

From left to right – Claire Oelkers from the quite brilliant German band Karpatenhund, me from here, Phelipe Cruz from the marvellous Brazilian celebrity blog Papelpop.com, YouTube allstar Brooke Brodack, Mia Lee from the excellent Sexy Beijing and Colombian popstar extraordinaire Diana Angel.

Now, rather than thrash on like some kind of sub-par Bono, I’ll just hit you with a load of World Contraception Day links that you can do with as you please:

The official World Contraception Day site!

The World Contraception Day Youth Task Force blog!

The World Contraception Day Twitter feed!

The World Contraception Day Facebook page!

And, as a special bonus, a video of me and the others talking about World Contraception Day in an alarmingly professional way. Here’s a still from it, and don’t even pretend that you’re not impressed…

I’ve come away from Germany with not only an armful of mosquito bites and a pile of more Spanish swearwords than I could ever hope to learn, but also a greater understanding of the need for decent global information and access to contraception, so if you could sign up or watch any of the above I’d be awfully grateful.

We will now return to our scheduled bitter insincerity.

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