People who solve crimes are pretty sexy. I mean, not as sexy as criminals, because everyone loves a badass, but overall, being the person who figures shit out and saves the day is pretty hot. Just look at Columbo! (Just kidding, don’t look at Columbo, he’s a troll, but damn does he solve a good mystery).
Anyway, unlike in the real world, where detectives aren’t all that hot, television detectives are usually total fucking babes with chips on their shoulder and dark pasts, which I find very appealing. Here is a ranking of the top 10 tv detectives that make me drool.
10. Jessica Fletcher
First of all, no, this is not a joke list. Jessica Fletcher is a smart, sassy, sexy old woman. It’s like if one of the Golden Girls became a detective (I would watch that show). And you can’t say the Golden Girls weren’t sexy because those bitches got laid ALLLLLL the time. Like more than me, and I’m engaged. And that’s not a dig at my sex life, because it’s great, I just mean those bitches got the D like every single day. Even I don’t have that kind of energy. Just realized how far from Jessica Fletcher this has gotten…
9. Chris Hansen
Chris Hansen? More like Chris HANDSOME, am I right? Not only does he catch pedophiles and publicly humiliate them, he’s actually a very attractive man. To catch a predator? More like to catch a hunk. My ladies know what’s up.
8. Olivia Benson
Det. Olivia Benson was conceived by rape and now is a rape detective, so she’s got a great story. But you know what else she’s got? Great genetics. In real life, Mariska Hargitay’s parents are blond bombshell, Jayne Mansfield, and her dad was a former Mr. Universe, so, you know, she’s hot.
7. Charlie’s Angels
Yes, I’m just counting them as one. One very sexy trio, that is. Sure, Drew, Cameron and Lucy did a perfectly decent job in the remake, but their hotness pales in comparison to the original bad bitches. Jaclyn Smith and Farrah Fawcett in their hotness prime? Bitch, don’t even kid yourself.
6. and 5. Mulder and Skully
My last list blog was about celebrity sex tapes, but you know what my dream sex tape would be? One between detectives Fox Mulder and Dana Skully. I recently watched the whole series on Netflix (ok, I watched all the episodes that weren’t about aliens because I don’t give a fuck about alien shit. And yes, I know that’s like 80% of the show. On average, I watched 7 episodes a season), and the chemistry between these two super attractive people is just amazing. So very hot.
4. Jimmy McNulty
People are always talking about how fucking good “The Wire” is as if I give a fuck about that. You know why I watched “The Wire”? The same reason I sat through the entire season of “Hemlock Grove”: I found a main character too sexy to look away from. In this case, I’m referring to Det. Jimmy McNulty. I mean, duh.
3. Rustin Spencer
I’m sure some people believe Woody Harrelson’s character should also be on this list, but the entire time I was watching the masterpiece that was “True Detective” I couldn’t get over how much Woody looked like my dad. The sex scenes with him were awful for me. But anyway, 1995 Rust Spencer, being all dark and brooding and angsty and intense, man, I always new Matthew McConaughey was considered hot, but it wasn’t until this show that I was like YEP!
2. Stephen Holder
Detective Stephen Holder is like my fucking dream guy. He’s a good guy, but he’s also a former drug addict who smokes a lot and is super dark and funny and that voice? Sweet baby Jesus. The man is actual perfection.
1. Elliot Stabler
While I believe that Det. Stephen Holder is physically hotter than Det. Elliot Stabler, you can’t deny that there is something special about the Stabe Babe (just made that up. You’re welcome). When my best friend, Melissa, suggested I make a list of sexy tv detectives she was like: trick question. There is only one correct answer. And that answer is, and always will be: Elliot Stabler.