The most important part of the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline Custody Bitchfight To The Death was due to take place yesterday, as Britney was going to submit to questioning under oath by Federline's lawyers.
However, the world will have to wait to hear Britney's version of the truth about her parenting skills. Britney Spears failed to show up to the deposition yesterday, citing an illness. It's a proper illness too, because Britney has a doctor's letter and everything. Britney's no-show has angered Kevin Federline's lawyers, who have rescheduled the deposition and are also seeking court sanctions against Britney Spears, like forcing her to do the deposition in her pants next time if she doesn't bring the right kit.
Or taking her children away from her forever. Or something.
Britney Spears' hot streak of rule-breaking shows no sign of letting up. So far this year Britney Spears has broken the rule about not running red lights in her car, the rule about not shoplifting small items from petrol stations, the rule about not smashing up cars with umbrellas, shaving your hair off, going to rehab, screaming that you're the devil and trying to hang yourself with a bedsheet and the rule about rehearsing properly for big performances.
And as of yesterday we can add that Britney Spears broke the rule about showing up to important court-appointed depositions that will ultimately decide the future of her two children.
Britney Spears was due to arrive at the Los Angeles office of Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan at 10am for her long-awaited yesterday. But she didn't show. And by 11am it was clear that she wasn't going to. According to Kaplan:
"I was told of a general [medical] condition, and [Spears] felt she couldn't attend."
It's an unfortunate coincidence that Britney Spears was suddenly struck ill right at the exact moment that she was supposed to be given a deposition under oath, because we'd imagine she'd be eager to submit herself to a day-long round of red-hot unrelenting questioning on everything from her fitness as a mother to the reason she keeps avoiding court orders to her history with drugs and alcohol. However, a source close to Britney told MSNBC that – shockingly – Britney Spears might not actually have been that ill at all:
“Britney feels like this is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. She did feel sick, but more than anything, she felt like she didn’t have to do something just because she was told.”
Of course, nobody can expect Britney Spears to show up for one measly motherhood-threatening day of questioning. After all, she can barely even manage five minutes of one solitary interview to promote an entire new album these days.
But what Britney Spears doesn't seem to understand is the emotional and financial cost of not turning up to the deposition. Federline's lawyers are already talking about stopping Britney Spears from seeing her children on Christmas day as a punishment for the no-show, and – if it comes to it – removing Britney Spears from the kids for good.
That won't just break Britney's heart, but it'll mean she'll be forced to remove the baby's head that pokes out of her vagina in that statue of hers and replace it was a bronze representation of something less likely to remind her of her mistakes, like a dragon's fist or a full-length garden rake. And that won't come cheap.
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Harry says
But actually, reflecting a bit on whether anyone at all would consider entering that circus of international hysteria that surrounds her the moment she puts her dainty foot out the door, and considering the live webcam that was focused on the Door to the Deposition, and considering the legal land-sharks that were impatiently circling the Deposition Chair, and considering the massed psychic effect of millions of minds concentrating their dynamic opinions like one great red-hot laser beam on one little girl from Louisiana, and considering the disastrous effects that might result from one tiny slip of the tongue, pounced upon by ravening legal-eagles and then amplified a billionfold by the worldwide media — considering all these things, we ourselves would probably put our hats back on the peg and just have something nice and hot to drink also. The judge must be reflecting by now on all this and may come to the conclusion that, even for Los Angeles, such a clatter is intolerable and is not conducive to justice being done. It may even be that justice cannot be done and we should forget about justice and just have fun.