Robin Hood, Ned Kelly, Ronnie Biggs, Dick Turpin, Bonnie and Clyde – arch troublemaker Britney Spears has made sure that your boys took one hell of a beating.
Britney Spears is hot water with the owner of California petrol station after she appeared to indulge in a little bit of casual shoplifting on Friday. Her crime? Taking a blue plastic $1.39 lighter without paying for it. And Britney Spears has even admitted the crime, telling the obligatory gang of following photographers "I stole something. Oh, I'm bad!" But don't think this is the first time that Britney Spears has broken the law – she already has a very serious criminal record. It's called I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman! Thank you, thank you, we're here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.
Now that we know how much Britney Spears earns, the ways which we can use that information against her is endless. For example, if she wanted to, Britney Spears could afford to buy 6,370,083 blue plastic cigarette lighters every year. Evidently she doesn't, though, because it's much easier for her to go out on the rob instead.
It's been reported that on Friday Britney Spears snatched a blue $1.39 lighter from a petrol station in California without paying for it. While that may not seem as serious as, say, running a red light with your children in your car and a mobile phone held an inch away from your face or threatening to have people murdered, Britney's latest public indiscretion has got the petrol station owner – Jatinder Kaur – all riled up. He told People:
"Yes, Britney stole a blue lighter here last night. The lighter is $1.39. I'm hoping maybe the next time she comes back she will pay for it. I know she can afford to pay for it, but I'm not planning to file a police report. It's still not right for her to steal the lighter. I hope she will do the right thing the next time she comes here."
Quite why Britney Spears decided to steal the lighter is unclear, especially given her circumstances. After all, Britney knows that a phalanx of photographers is always around to record every tiny thing she ever does – so she could hardly expect to get away with it – plus Kevin Federline is inevitably going to use this as another reason to haul his custody battle with Britney back into court for the billionth round of custody negotiations, on the basis that he doesn't want his children to learn how to steal, even though with parents like those it'll be a minor miracle if they ever learn how to do anything other than dribble and fart.
Perhaps money is tighter than we assumed for Britney Spears. Her album Blackout has got '99p HMV Bargain Bin' written all over it, she's paying Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own and she needs all her cash to get the fat sucked out out of her arse. That can't leave a lot to spare, which means that either Britney Spears steals lighters from petrol stations or she has to light her cigarettes by banging rocks together for three hours like some sort of manky-looking caveman. What's a girl to do?
While there aren't likely to be any legal recriminations for Britney Spears following this shocking petrol station theft, our main worry is that Britney will become addicted to the thrill of lawbreaking. First it's a plastic $1.39 lighter, then maybe a family-sized bag of Maltesers, then a pair of shoes, then a car – the next thing we know Britney Spears will be pulling off elaborate Ocean's Eleven-style heists involving complicated electronic manipulation, confidence trickstering and all kinds of breathtakingly complex logistical work.
Oh, who are we kidding? Britney Spears looks like she hardly knows how to work buttons.
Read more:
Gas Station Owner to Britney: You Stole My Lighter! – People