Nobody watches the Super Bowl for sport, so nobody knows if the Cardigans or the Teapots won yesterday.
But they do watch the Super Bowl for one thing – boobies. Across the world yesterday, hundreds of millions of people tuned into to the Super Bowl to see who’d accidentally flop a knocker out during the halftime show. Sadly, all we got was Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen yesterday performed a Super Bowl halftime set that was as flat and lifeless as any in recent memory, and he’s received lukewarm reviews for it at best. Plus, let’s be honest, his tits are terrible.
Aside from the actual football – which couldn’t be more dreary if it took place between two different gangs of nearly-dead emphysemic pensioners – people tend to watch the Super Bowl for either the ads or the halftime show. And usually one of those will have something going for it.
Not this year, though. As far as the Superbowl commercials went, we were spared Kevin Federline and adorably violent homophobia and instead got two things that made us instinctively dry-heave – the first was Bob Dylan doing a duet with Will.i.am in an advert for Pepsi, and the second was that 3D promo for Jay Leno‘s new show where he drove around, tried to poke us in the eye with his chin and pulled a horrifyingly smug face all at the same time. Never say Jay Leno can’t multitask.
As for the music, the Super Bowl halftime show continued its dull tradition of violently eschewing sexiness and showmanship in favour of ground-out craftmanship. Bruce Springsteen was the performer last night, and in his 12-minute slot he avoided recent controversies like the Janet Jackson nipple-slip or the Prince devil penis so that he could concentrate on belting out some of his biggest hits.
Well, some of his biggest hits and a new song. A new song that sounds like it was written by a cynically-minded internet Bruce Springsteen song generator that’s on the fritz. And, because of that, the reviews of Bruce Springsteen’s Super Bowl halftime show haven’t been all that amazing. The New York Times reports:
The final discomforts were all Springsteen?s. At the end, he shouted inexplicably, ?I'm going to Disneyland!? A moment earlier, a man dressed as a referee appeared on stage, threw a yellow flag and crossed his arms in front of Springsteen, the signal for delay of game. Springsteen mock fretted about the ticking clock, and Van Zandt protested, screaming, ?It's Boss time!? Except that it wasn?t, and everyone knew it.
Maybe it’s a little harsh to criticise Bruce Springsteen for his performance – a 12-minute Super Bowl halftime show didn’t really give him the chance to show off what he does best, which is a) playing concerts that go on for such incalculably long periods of time that members of the audience routinely end up developing spinal fusion, full-length beards and elderly incontinence, and b) singing songs about bumming prostitues.
But, hey, at least nobody saw any nipples – even if we do suspect that if the Super Bowl continues to book halftime acts based on their sturdy reliability, then next year we’ll be treated to a 12-minute set by an actual sack of potatos.
And, you know. At least it wasn’t Tom Petty again. That’s something to be thankful for, at least.
C. Smith says
you’re an idiot
Tymetraveler says
Yeah, like C Smith said…you’re an idiot.
Josep... says
Hahaha!
How can you be so stupid!! Hahaha!
He’s probably one of the few things that doesn’t make us, the rest of the world, bored of the USA…
Stupid people like you bores us man…
Stabby McGee says
Yeah, like Tymetraveler said
Sherlock says
The US of A is equally bored of the rest of the world.
You silly brits are missing out on the most exciting sport on the planet. I mean, come on, soccer? Seriously? Really?
Matthew Laidlow says
Isn’t American Football jusr Rugby with pads and helmets for big soft girls?
Sydney says
I watched it……it bored me practically into a coma. But my mom loved it, so I guess that’s ok.
tremont says
Springsteen jumped the shark….period.
Alexander says
wow man.. you a a real douche bag.. oh my god.. haha that cracked me up.
you obviously don’t know ANYTHING about music.. not one thing.. wow -_- just go take a nap, wake up, and think about what you posted.. it’s really idiotic
Bribes says
I agree with all the above commenters — you’re an idiot. From the get-go, you make a blitheringly stupid over-generalization (“Nobody watches the Superbowl for sport”). This is easily refuted and immediately rejected by most anyone interested in the Superbowl to begin with, through personal experience if nothing else. You then proceed to dismiss the entire game based on your own disdain for the game, and go on to write about what you really care about, hating on music you don’t like, rehashing previous events you don’t like, and tearing down people you don’t like, with little regard for what actually happened or actually, you know, learning about these people and events.
It’s truly stunning that someone who so clearly knows so little about American football is even allowed to comment on the biggest television event in the U.S. This is my first time on this website. I pray it be my last.
Chris Smith says
Stuart you need to learn how to gather research before you try to write about something that you know little about.
Next, if all you want to watch is some nudity so that you can masturbate then go to Blockbuster and rent some whacking material. Bruce Springsteen is a cultural icon and a musical genius. He put on a tremendous show. You need a brain check chump because you are a damn fool. And most of us did watch a great game as well.You can turn off your Momma’s computer now before she beats your butt!
Greg Marriner says
I suppose there has to be a Springsteen backlash every time he makes a big splash like recently (Inauguration; new album; award-winning movie song; Super Bowl; magazine & newspaper cover stories; radio appearances; etc. etc.). So the cynics and nabobs whose music knowledge begins and ends with whatever happened in music yesterday come out of the woodwork to “challenge” the overwhelmingly agreed-upon and celebrated notion of Springsteen’s greatness. So we get unbelievable idiocy from yahoos like Yahoo’s Rob O’Connor and this incredible moron Stuart Heritage — whoever they are. This was the best half-time show ever, setting the standard for all shows to follow. Except we’ll never see one this good again. Ever. Period.
Boss Rules says
You are pathetic!