Fergie Used To Tote Rainbows If You Know What We Mean

How many gay jokes can hecklerspray cram into a multi-paragraph article about Fergie of Black Eyed Peas fame recently announcing she used to like to do it lesbian-style? We're guessing about 37.

It's true though.  Fergie really did recently announce she used to favour the daintier gender. Granted, it was a really really long time ago, way back when Fergie used to think it was fashionable to wear a cropped mullet and hunting jacket to impassioned rallies at various town squares.

Now though, well now Fergie's gay days are gone. She's reverted to the boring old world of hetero relationships, where she doesn't have to be hesitant about introducing her significant other to the folks, and she doesn't have to worry about getting caught in a lousy redneck-set gay bar beartrap.

When Fergalicious wasn't on the set of Mr Belvedere as a kid, she really liked bumping donuts. Really. She said as much. When Fergie was feeling all hot and stuff, milk bags were her company of choice and Ellen was the American sitcom that lined the second shelf in the family den. If you must know, her exact quote was:

I have had lesbian experiences in the past. But I started having sex quite late on - after I was 18. I was raised a good Catholic girl. I won't say how many men I have slept with, although it's not many, but I am a very sexual person.

These comments aren't Fergie's first publicly gay comments. It wasn't so long ago she warned silly homos to not do crystal meth. Before that, she used her onstage persona to visually show her fans the dangers of bouncing while drunk.

In getting on with our promised 37 hilarious gay jokes; back in the day Fergie preferred spelunking to being spelunked and she preferred the hatchet wound to the billy club bruise. Way back then, she'd get more lesbian than Keira Knightley & Lindsay Lohan on any given movie set.

When Fergie was younger she'd probably clean more carpet than a dust buster, and may have had aspirations to drive truck from downtown San Francisco to a headline-making Massachusetts wedding party while pumping the Indigo Girls' Swamp Ophelia album and filling out applications to either teach elementary school gym class or host The View. 

Please understand though, this article clearly is not intended to enrage anybody - especially homosexual males. They're far too well-groomed and nice to mock, and where we're from there's an entire row of Vietnamese nail salons wholly dependent on their business. Stay near unto the Vietnamese, sweet gay guys, stay near unto them forever. They need you more than you know.

We think that was like 36 jokes. We'll come back and throw in an absolute classic about living in a house where you have to worry about particularly foul moods twice a month.

That one's gonna be soooo funny.

This story has been approved by hecklerspray's gay neighbor Reggie. May you live longer than your parents, Reggie, and put totally gay stuff like unicorns and lollipops on their heart-shaped tombstones.

Read More:

Ferg's Lesbian Secret - Sky.com