As far as celebrity couples who release mediocre retirement-ending albums and albums named after machines that shoot jets of water up your bumhole go, we'd guess that hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and botty-wiggling warbler Beyonce have it sewn up.
But the thing about Jay-Z and Beyonce is that they're just so flipping secretive. Sure, Jay-Z seems to be contractually obliged to turn up in the middle of every Beyonce song ever and mumble for 30 seconds, but nobody really knows anything about Jay-Z and Beyonce as a couple. For instance, there's a lot of speculation going around at the moment that Jay-Z and Beyonce will be getting married this weekend in the Caribbean. Or they might not be. But they probably will. Unless they're not. Clear?
On paper, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren't the most perfectly-suited couple in the world. For instance, there's a 12-year age difference that's becoming increasingly apparent. While Beyonce still has the zesty youthful energy to spaz out hundreds of kids with her epileptic music videos and have rumours about lesbian sex movies with Eva Longoria invented about her, Jay-Z is hobbling around doing old man things like singing cozy duets with Gwyneth Paltrow and wearing open-toed sandals.
But we're reminded of the old proverb that says 'you can't help who you fall in love with, especially if one of you is a syrup-guzzling lunatic and the other one basically sells beer for a living' – a proverb that almost seems like it was especially written for Beyonce and Jay-Z. Just now. By us. Our point is, though, that Beyonce and Jay-Z have stuck together through thick and thin, through decent singles they both perform on and lousy singles they both perform on, through hard work and half-arsed retirements. And now it seems like Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting ready to take the next step, the step that all couples in love take at one point or another – the needlessly secretive Caribbean wedding. Page Six reports:
Will Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles finally tie the knot during his "surprise" 37th birthday party next weekend? Knowles, Jay and some Def Jam executives were at STK on West 12th Street on Saturday talking about the four-day "party" – but insiders say it will be more than a birthday celebration. "Beyoncé is throwing Jay a four-day birthday party, but it's really a wedding," said one source.
According to the report, the wedding guests will be ferried over from St Barts on a yacht to a five-star resort in Anguilla where the wedding will take place. That's if Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding is actually happening, of course – this is all just unsubstantiated speculation at the moment, and you all remember the speculation that said Tom Cruise was getting married to Katie Holmes in August. So maybe – just maybe – Jay-Z and Beyonce won't be getting married this weekend at all. Unless they do. Which they might. But… oh, we've done this line already, haven't we?
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