Just because Jay-Z's come out of retirement to go back to his day job of rapping about how good he is, it doesn't mean that Jay-Z also has to give up his sidelines of trying to flog any old crap that makes him a bunch of money.
Far from it, in fact – instead of ceasing his lucrative business interests to return solely to a life of making records where he'll threaten to retire again, Jay-Z has just been signed up by Anheuser-Busch to be the co-brand director of its Budweiser Select beer line. We're not entirely what Jay-Z will have to do to fulfil his role as Budweiser co-brand director, although a cursory glance at the tracklisting for the new Jay-Z album Kingdom Come gives away a few clues, as it contains songs called Beer Beer I Love Beer, Oh! That Delicious Silky Smooth Taste Of An Ice Cold Bud and I'd Probably Suck You Off If You Gave Me A Sticker Saying I Was The Co-Brand Director Of Your Penis.
Kingdom Come, Jay-Z's new album, is one of the most hotly-anticipated releases of the year. This is because it marks Jay-Z's comeback after his half-arsed shonky retirement, if you can call a gap of about a fortnight between The Black Album and Kingdom Come a retirement, that is. Not that Jay-Z wasted his retirement, of course – he made all of Africa's water clean by himself, made friends with old rapper rival Nas and made Beyonce only eat maple syrup for nothing more than shits and giggles.
But now that Jay-Z is returning to music he has to make that tricky transition from run-of-the-mill ubiquity to the terrifying all-powerful ubiquity, and it's something he seems to be doing with ease, be it by going to London and doing ill-informed duets with Gwyneth Paltrow or getting kicked out of China for having such a dirty mouth. Which is good ubiquity but not great ubiquity. All this has helped get Jay-Z's name back in the minds of people who listen to music, but what about everyone else? What about the people who are constantly so drunk that they can't even hear? Luckily Jay-Z has a plan for this too – he's been made co-brand director of Budweiser Select by parent company Anheuser-Busch. Why? Here's what E! Online says:
"Collaborating with Jay-Z presents an opportunity to work with one of the world's great entrepreneurs and draws upon his expertise with pop culture, music and business," Marlene Coulis, Anheuser-Busch's vicepresident of brand management, said in a statement. "His approach to reaching people in creative, groundbreaking ways that transcend cultural boundaries makes this alliance particularly exciting." Particularly if the people he's reaching happen to have parched mouths, valid IDs and disposable income. The alcohol purveyors have stayed otherwise vague on Jay-Z's exact job description, claiming he will "provide his unique spin, thoughts and insights on various brand programs" and "actively participate in the development" of Budweiser Select. So far, the extent of his active participation has been to appear in two commercials for the beer company, though there's no word on whether his unique insight was consulted for the shoot.
Aha – so by 'co-brand director' they mean 'advert monkey'. It all makes so much sense now – the same way that Barry Scott is probably co-brand director Cillit Ban, Ben Affleck is a co-brand director of schoolboy deodorant and Nicolas Cage is co-brand director of bizarre Japanese stuff where he has to waggle his eyes about and shout "fever" a lot whenever he sees some triplets. Why didn't Anheuser-Busch just say that in the first place?
Read more:
Jay-Z: From Cristal To Bud – E! Online
[story by Stuart Heritage]