Jay-Z has been away for a while, so he needs to prove to all his old fans that he's still got the magic that made him such a draw all that time ago – and for some reason he needs the help of Gwyneth Paltrow to do this.
Last night Jay-Z performed a special concert at the Albert Hall ahead of the release of his new, retirement-shattering album Kingdom Come. And knowing he needed to give his fans something special to remember him by, he got Gwyneth Paltrow – the skinny girl from Shakespeare In Love – to sing a duet with him onstage. Forget that story yesterday about Screech from Saved By The Bell wiping his shitty fingers over a girl's face; this is just about the most horrific thing we've ever heard all week.
Retirement does funny things to people; instead of being a way for someone to relax, work-free at the end of their lives, retirement is actually a way for old people to pickle their brains by watching endless hours of daytime TV and never worrying about anything more important than speed cameras and how rude the youth of today are. And this retirement meltdown affects us all – even Jay-Z.
To be fair, Jay-Z had a particularly useless retirement. The last Jay-Z album, The Black Album, hardly came out any time ago and – although it was full of promises never to make any music ever again – Jay-Z will be back soon with new album Kingdom Come. Sure, Jay-Z's retirement only lasted a couple of years and he did important things in the meantime like help Africa get clean water and make up with his old enemy Nas, but the retirement brainrot had already set in. You want proof? Jay-Z started listening to Coldplay, who are officially the least gangsta band on the planet. Coldplay. Chris Martin is even going to be on Kingdom Come, for Christ's sake.
But it doesn't end there. Why just settle for Chris Martin singing on your album when you can have Chris Martin's Britain-hating, ghost-fearing moviestar wife Gwyneth Paltrow – the only woman on the planet who can think up a baby name like Apple and then effortlessly invent an even stupider one – singing a duet with you live on stage during one of the most important concerts of your career? BBC News reports:
Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has made a surprise appearance with rap legend Jay-Z at London's Royal Albert Hall. The star of Shakespeare in Love and Proof sang the chorus of Song Cry from the rapper's classic Blueprint album… Other onstage guests included Paltrow's husband, Chris Martin, Beyonce and rap star Nas. It was the first hip-hop gig to take place in the Royal Albert Hall… Jay-Z, whose real name is Shawn Carter, was backed by a 25-piece orchestra and a DJ for his set.
Hopefully YouTube will start filling up with videos of this mental-sounding Jay-Z/Gwyneth Paltrow duet before long – and please leave a link as a comment if you see one – but luckily BBC DJ G Money was there to describe exactly what it was like to see the skinny blonde woman from Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow acting all street onstage at a hip-hop show:
"She was a bit nervous but her performance was really excellent… People were like: 'Who is this chick that's in the spotlight?' Then Jay-Z said: 'I want people to wish a happy birthday to my good friend Gwyneth Paltrow'. Everyone was like: 'Are you for real?'"
The fact that we missed such a historical event as the Jay-Z/ Gwyneth Paltrow duet leaves us a bit sad, but we suppose we'll have to make do with the next best thing – next week's double-header between Lethal Bizzle and the woman who played Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances.
[story by Stuart Heritage]