Anyone who has ever endured the displeasure of listening to someone eulogising about a great TV show like The Wire or The Sopranos will know the score pretty well.

You just have to watch a few episodes, get used to it. Or to use the words of someone like Danny Dyer – you just need to break the tart in. Big Brother is the same. And like the aforementioned shows, you need to stick with it, and then stay stuck.

So, for the benefit of those people who have been too distracted by things like the World Cup, Andy Murray‘s thrilling Wimbledon ride, and going out with friends because it’s hot outside, here’s the general gist of what’s been going on…It’s a new format this year, bookended by the inclusion of retrospective clips from the previous night’s drama, and a teaser of what is to come. As a dramatic device, it’s a great idea, because it creates the illusion of there being some kind of storyline taking place.

On the downside, both of these clips have tended to involve housemates either cheering or tutting. Hopefully as things progress, you might get someone being smashed in the face by an infuriated soldier with metal legs, the obligatory moving bedsheets, or the one who seems convinced that God is keeping him in publicly screaming at a picture of Jesus because he’s just been nominated again. We’ll just have to wait and see.

As for what’s been going on, the series is now moving into the meaty section, where will they?/won’t they? couplings become the focal point. Already there is a small love triangle developing, between John James – a sour faced reincarnation of Alf from Home and Away, lumbered with the body of a young Jason Donovan – a cheerful milk maid called Josie (who might win!), and a godawful medical cretin who renamed herself Sunshine, presumably in a bid to momentarily mask people from her deep crippling depression.

Elsewhere, Ben – the impossibly fey toff – is undergoing a strange Brideshead Revisited storyline with an impressionable young homosexual called Mario, whilst Shabby – a posh squatter – is becoming increasingly irate because she’s  an angry lesbian, and that’s what angry lesbians do. They get angry. Especially when Irish pretend-bisexuals are refusing to put out.

Of the rest of the people in there, Corin, who thinks she looks like Jordan, is seemingly relishing her role as this year’s token thicky – to the point where some viewers are actually worried that she might be brain damaged.

Nathan makes us want to brick up the screen with his abhorrent “mad for it” manner. He’s exactly the kind of person who describes things as “quality”, which makes him exactly the kind of person who should think long and hard about castrating himself.

And anyone not mentioned above tells their own forgettable story.

Seriously, just give it a few episodes.

Josie to win!

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from the magnificent Interestment

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In what will no doubt prove to be an almighty blunder, Big Brother XI – the gripping final series – has rather stupidly gone up against a World Cup. It’s a bit like attempting to celebrate your 21^st birthday on the day that Princess Diana died. How do we know that? Don’t ask questions, we just do.

It was not a good day for celebrations.

Anyway, we’re something like a week in now, and this series looks set to go down in history as the sixth or seventh finest yet. Who will go tomorrow? Who will win? Read on to find out.

The first eviction finds an all-female head-to-head-to-head between Shabby, Rachael and Sunshine. A hunch suggests that Shabby will go.

With regards to the other two, Big Brother has pulled the clever trick of removing all focus from Sunshine since the nominations were aired, meaning that instinctive voters won’t have anything to go on, and those who found her abominable during the first few days will have been suitably distracted by Shabby’s stupid hats, and her weird voice that sounds like it really should belong to someone at least twenty years her senior.

Rachael – the beggar’s version of Beyonce – would have been immediately discarded had the eviction been staged at the very moment that she entered the house, but her inability to handle the fact that no-one appears to want to have it off with her might yet garner her a twisted sympathy vote. It suggests the possibility of an inner journey towards humility, which viewers will find thrilling. Plus, there is the very slim chance that one of her rows with John James – the world’s most serious Australian – could escalate into a full shag. If there’s a potential love story going, people will want to see it unfold.

All of which leads to Shabby’s demise. Rather confusingly, for a woman who squats in houses with mobs of highly irritating trustafarians in real life, she has struggled with communal living. And her bad reaction to getting nominated will not have gone down well with the trigger happy voters. Hence, for being a bit weird, brash, a bit too much of a lesbian, and dressing like an extra in Oliver!, she’ll be toast.

As for the rest of them, there is still a long way to go. So far, the series looks set to be defined by a curious ongoing sexual ambivalence, which finds most of the house not entirely sure whether they’re gay or not. Pretty soon it’ll be boy on boy, girl on girl. Girl to boy, to girl, to girl, to boy. Then John James might start mindlessly rubbing himself against Rachael in a moment of weakness.

Great stuff. Milkmaid to win!

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Glorious Interestment

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Of course, it’s easy to jump on the bandwagon driven by the kind of highbrow pipe-smoking women who find Big Brother to be totally beneath them and deride the show.

But sod that, Big Brother is magnificent, and once the abominable cockery of the first couple of weeks dies down, it tends to settle and become a fascinating study of just how far people will go for your approval.

Until then, we’ll just have to make do with the din of fourteen voices vying for camera time, and the one that looks like Beyonce undergoing five slutty outfit changes per day, as if she’s presenting a whorish reimagining of the Oscars.

But who will win the thing? Let’s start with the people who definitely won’t.

Rachael (Beyonce), Caoimhe (pronounced “Caoimhe”) and Ife (pronounced “Ife”) can all forget it. If you’re going to be a beautiful girl on Big Brother, the demanding public insists that you’re either slightly brainless (Sophie Reade, last time), or a ladette (Kate Lawler, Series 3). Ife’s got some weird God stuff going on, Caoimhe has already committed the cardinal sin of embarking on a journey into higher education, and Rachael greeted each girl entering the house as if, just by being there, they were somehow challenging her beauty.  The dialling fingers will already be throbbing in anticipation for that one.

Another trait certain to send the baying mob into a chorus of getting you out is ‘being a little bit posh’. There has yet to be a plummy winner, although Freddie from last year might have fared slightly better had he not plummeted into a cartoon meltdown because Bea – the world’s most stressed out hippy – wasn’t particularly keen to receive his darting hamster fingers and lingering tongue kisses. Hence, that’s instant curtains for the toffs in the house, namely: Ben, Princess “Sunshine”, and the one who is trying to pretend that she isn’t posh by squatting in houses in Mayfair. Mayfair is still Mayfair, Shabby.

The three main character types that do tend to win are:

1. The everyman (Craig, Series 1; Cameron, Series 4).

2. The girl/boy next door (Kate, Series 3; Anthony, Series 6; Rachel, Series 9). Or…

3. Someone with the potential to go on a personal ‘journey’ in the house, by overcoming adversity or taking their first steps into adulthood (Brian, Series 2; Nadia, Series 5; Pete, Series 7; Brian, Series 8; Sophie, Series 10).

On that basis, Corin has no chance – she’s too old/tanned. Dave, the appalling Christian, is too at home with his kerr-aziness to tug the voter’s heartstrings And John James is just a little bit too Australian.

So that leaves girl-next-door Josie (Bristolian),  the reticent Mole (Mario), the guy who makes up for his lack of legs by getting a new tatt every week (Steve), or the young homosexual lad, Govan. The smart money could be on the girl.

Oh, and Nathan won’t win it, because we already totally hate him.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from the magnificent Interestment.

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Get excited, friends, Big Brother – the final series – isn’t a million miles away.

Of course, lots of people seem to find it fashionable to deride the show for not being brainy enough, or for encouraging idiots to go on television. But, frankly, those people can sod off, because Big Brother is truly excellent.

So, to celebrate, below are ten of the best from every series so far…Nick Bateman, Series One

For those who can’t remember, Nasty Nick MADE Big Brother, with his devious mind games, and made up stories about dead girlfriends. One particular highlight involves Nick flapping around in a blind panic on some very simple children’s monkey bars, having bogusly informed his housemates that he used to be hot shit in the army. A magnificent contestant.

Brian Dowling, Series Two

Series Two was a vintage year, featuring great contestants like: Amma, the world’s grumpiest lapdancer and Stuart Hoskings – an abominable business twat who should have bided his time for The Apprentice. And no one will ever forget unpopular Paul’s attempts to woo pea-brained Helen, which involved pointing it out whenever she incited a gentlemanly stiffening amongst his old meat and two testicles. But Brian was the best thing about it, playing the part of a nervous young homosexual lad coming to terms with himself. Moving stuff.

Jade Goody, Series Three

If anyone sums up the Big Brother experience, it’s probably Jade. She made her name on the show by being hilariously thick, before dragging it through mud by being rather unwelcoming to a kindly Indian woman, and then, tragically – in the midst of more post Big Brother reality mayhem – she died. Reality television doesn’t get much more real than that, unfortunately.

Federico Martone, Series Four

Very few viewers made it through the whole of the fourth Big Brother – mainly because it was cripplingly dull. In a ham-fisted attempt to make the whole thing palatable, producers clearly decided to give some “nice” people a go. But can you remember any of them? Probably not. Federico only springs to mind, because he once told the women of Newcastle that they were all sluts.

Nadia Almada, Series Five

Those still reeling from the confusion of first seeing Boy George on Top of the Pops in the 1980s will have felt an eerie sense of déjà vu when Nadia walked into the house. Girl’s name, breasts, ladylike outfits, and yet it was quite obviously a bloke. Highlights from that season include the greatest fight in Big Brother history, a predatory glamour girl convincing a shy university student to touch her down there with his down-therey stuff. But, above all of that, this series was about one man’s journey to convince the world that he was just a woman, standing in from of about fifty cameras, asking the world to give him 100 grand.

Makosi Musambasi, Series Six

Makosi was probably the most entertaining maniac in the history of the show. In the course of her seventy-two weeks – roughly – she managed to stage lesbian moments with at least two other girls, and she may or may not have rogered Antony – the tiny little disco dancer – in the hot tub. “Will I have to name our child Jacuzzi?” she asked a very stunned Big Brother. Silence.

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, Series Seven

Hmm, was this one of those WAG things we’d been told about in the newspapers? As it turns out, no, not entirely. Yes, she wore thongs in the back garden, and yes, her bosoms were totally pretend. But was she not also the girl who explained to that hideous troll, Grace, that she better know herself, little girl? Yes she was. A surprisingly great gal.

Brian Belo, Series Eight

Series Eight was another vintage year, which many will remember for those weird twins – Thing One and Thing Two – the young Posh Spice wannabe, Chanelle, who endured a Fatal Attraction meltdown over an ex-boy band member called Ziggy. Then there was Charley, the bitchy one. Oh, and that girl who got kicked out for attempting to reclaim the n-word for racist white people. But all of them fade into comparison against Brian Belo, who made Jade Goody and Helen Adams look like Plato and Socrates. A lovely lad.

Sylvia Barrie, Series Nine

Poor Sylvia, such a beautiful girl, and yet totally humiliated by one evening in bed with a body sculptor called Stuart. As he lay pretending to sleep, she fumbled about next to him, sighing and moaning, desperately clawing at his muscles, begging him to find her attractive. It was a sorry time for the entire nation – many of whom will have witnessed it all through the small gaps between their fingers. What were you thinking of, Sylvia? Even so, she manages to make the grade, thanks mainly to being the best looking yet, and not being as much of a princess as her horrible friend Jennifer – the one from Newcastle who went berserk because posh-boy Rex dabbed some tomato sauce on her rubbish picture. Luke from that year was also good.

Siavash Sabbaghpour, Series Ten

When he strode into the house like a Teen Wolf Dick Turpin, Siavash looked for all of the world like one of those awful angular types that make you want to go on a bricking spree in Topman. But, in a shocking twist, he turned out to be a magnificent contestant, and actually quite easy to like. His only real blemish came when he decided to have a crack at the hideous scalp-collector, Noirin. Should have won.

Who wrote this? Why Josh Burt from the mighty Interestment, that’s who

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The process of a pop group disbanding is very similar to the gradual disintegration of a once-wonderful love affair.

It starts with a few missed appointments, then a couple of sudden solo holidays, followed by dates with other people, startling weight loss on your part, thanks to an inability to hold down food. Then eventually you’re left in a metaphorical sand-holding situation, in which the sand represents your love, and yet it appears to be flowing through your fingers at an ever-quickening rate.

Eventually, in your heightened state of mania, you notice that the sand has gone. There’s nothing there. It’s over. And rather embarrassingly, your partner has moved on, and appears to be actually marrying someone else. When did all of that happen?

Anyway, all of this leads completely seamlessly to the popular all-girl group, Girls Aloud. In egg timer terms, the consensus this week is that time is running out – over 50 per cent of them are going solo, and four of them are really bloody thin. Basically, it’s finished. So what next for these glamorous young women? Read on and you’ll find out…Cheryl Tweedy/Cole

Don’t be fooled into thinking that Cheryl Cole is going to go stratospheric. Yes, she’s the first one out of the traps, but remember the tale of the hare and the tortoise? To refresh your memory, about twelve years ago a talking hare challenged a local tortoise to a race, and the tortoise won! That’s about all we can remember. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Cheryl Cole might just be a talking hare dressed up as a woman. Or it might be ‘don’t challenge tortoises to a race’. To be honest, what that analogy actually means, no one knows.  But take heed, Cheryl! Take big heed.

Sarah Harding

Sarah Harding, you might remember, is also a wonderful actress. She’s been in everything from St Trinian’s to St Trinian’s II: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. In between each tour du force, she appeared as an over-acting woman scorned in a television film about the credit crunch. If the brief were ‘be a really bad actress’, then she should have got a BAFTA. As it is, once the girls go their separate ways, she can squodge all twelve of her lovely fingers into as many pies as possible. Acting – check. Singing – check. Presenting – check. A reality television programme – check… you probably get the gist of this.

Nadine Coyle

If there is going to be a Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams style face-off, then this will be it. In group terms, Coyle is lead singer/king, but when it comes to Simon Cowell career endorsement, Cole is on the front foot. History dictates that Nadine will need to rely on a mixture of raw talent and fluctuating weight loss to come out on top here, and she’s already cleverly ticked one of those boxes. Plus, word has it that she’s done some work with William Orbit, and everyone knows that he’s cooler than a carton of smokey joes sitting atop a leather jacket. One to watch.

Ginger One

For those who don’t know, the flame-haired one actually has a name – she’s called Nicola Roberts or something. And, in real life, away from the spotlight, Nicola has been busily attempting to create a make-up range specifically for girls whose skin starts to bubble and ooze the very minute they come in contact with the sun. The word on the street is that what this lady doesn’t know about make-up probably isn’t worth knowing. An expert on eye smudge, cheek paints, colourful lip marmite, and the rest. A businesswoman.

The other one

Yes, there is another one. In this case, that other one is Kimberly Walsh. Her role in the band – to mime and look pretty. You see, unfortunately for Kimberly, when the good Lord was crafting her voice box, he/she became muddled, and put in that of a Yorkshire farmer. Hence, when she sings, she sounds a bit like someone from Emmerdale Farm clumsily impersonating Michael Jackson. A hunch suggests that somewhere in the north of England, a twenty-something stable boy entertains the cows at night with his startling Aguilera vocal renditions. No more singing/miming for Walsh. She’ll vanish.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from the effervescent Interestment

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Ahh, the 1980s. They’re back, apparently, thanks to a new film about a magic hot tub, and what a decade!

Depressed, unemployed miners moped around in wine bars wearing tiny little fluorescent shorts and boob tubes. Businessmen carried mobile phones in rucksacks on their backs.

Absolutely everyone drank cocktails, ladies with feathery blonde hair attended aerobics classes every Thursday, and who could ever forget those three gorgeous pin-ups battling to tighten everyone’s chinos– Debbie Harry, the one from Bananarama, the pretty lady in Culture Club?

Yes, it was quite a time, and after the jump, you can enjoy a list of the ten greatest movies from a decade that stuck two big fingers up at the pipe smoking beardos who made the 1970s all bulbous and prog-rock.

First Blood

Stallone plays an angry killing machine who has taken to wandering through middle America in an almighty huff to get over Vietnam. It begins with him poking around a tiny little hick town in search of a missing friend, but in a feature length Dr Pepper advert prophecy (what’s the worst that could happen?), he soon ends up lurking in the local woods, attempting to butcher hundreds of cops using old bits of tree and a hunting knife.

Robocop

The 1980s celebrated the extreme use of violence, and they don’t come much more gruesome than Robocop – the tale of a bobby getting shot to smithereens, before coming back to life as a robot, making him a bit like Darth Vader, only not really. In amongst the people getting shot in the face lurks a tale about the human spirit, and how it can never really die. Moving.

Purple Rain

Prince plays The Kid, a troubled young musician who just wants to be famous. Great scenes include: Prince pootling down country lanes on his purple moped, dressed like a neon dandy. Prince making bitchy comments about other people to hide his own unhappiness. And Prince doing what he does best – just being Prince. A masterpiece.

The Breakfast Club

Quite probably the late John Hughes’s finest hour and a half, The Breakfast Club is the story of a geek, a twit, a prom thing, a doofus, a goth, a hippy, a dimwit, a douche bag, a moron, a stupid face, a nomark, a male model, a twunt, a muscle Mary, a dork, a twat, a gimp, and a numbnuts all sitting around through a long Saturday detention, attempting to figure out how they will ever get along. In the end they do, as they come together and rally against the common enemy – teachers! And parents! And probably their teacher’s parents!

9 ½ Weeks

Pre-op Mickey Rourke plays a mysterious smooth talker, who spends most of the film making love to Kim Basinger using increasingly kinky techniques such as: smearing food all over a lady’s torso, doing it down alleyways. This makes Kim Basinger feel really sexy, but it also drives her to the edge of insanity. Why? Because Rourke might be great in bed, but he just doesn’t seem like particularly good husband material. As you can imagine, this enraged most of the facial haired feminists/lesbians watching.

Scarface

In 1983’s Scarface, Al Pacino introduced the world to his new acting technique, known in the trade as ‘shouting’. It has served him well. Anyway, in this, he played Tony Montana – a moody Cuban man climbing the cocaine career ladder in 1980s Florida, whilst simultaneously sporting lots of loud shirts, attempting to woo Michelle Pfeiffer with some godawful disco dancing, and eventually making friends with a gun that fires grenades!

Breakdance: The Movie

In a decade awash with great underdog stories – The Karate Kid, Rocky IV, Teen Wolf – this was by far the most moving. It’s the tale of a frustrated young ballerina making friends with some macho bodypoppers, before earning her stripes taking down suckers in street dancing battles. The final sequence features three free spirits teaching boring old people what being young and sexy is all about. The tears flowed like free Ribena that day, friends.

Body Heat

For those who haven’t seen it, Body Heat is ace. You’ve got Kathleen Turner in the days when she was gorgeous (ie. Before she played Chandler’s DAD in Friends), the brilliant William Hurt, then you throw Ted Danson and Mickey Rourke into the mix, and you’ve literally just blown our minds. It’s the tale of an arch seductress making William Hurt feel very cramped in the underpants, mainly by showing him her boobs more than just the once. Great stuff.

Fletch

Some insist that Chevy Chase is probably the most underrated actor of all time, which is a bold statement, and definitely not true at all. Although he is pretty good in Fletch. He plays an investigative journalist who likes dressing up and pretending to be other people in a bid to out corrupt cops and humiliate drugs barons. In some ways, it’s a bit like James Bond. Although, in other ways, it’s nothing like James Bond. And, on the downside, the sequel is total bollocks.

The Man With Two Brains

With those appalling Pink Panther movies, and a so-so cameo in 30 Rock, it’s sometimes hard to remember just how good Steve Martin once was, but it’s probably fair to say that back in the late 70s and early 1980s, he couldn’t be touched. The Jerk is one of the all-time greats, as is this – the story of a man who is in love with a woman’s mind… that’s actually in a jar! Cue hilarity.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment which, as you should know by now, is good.

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Those who follow reality television with a keen eye will be all too aware of Diana Vickers – once of X Factor, now about to storm the pop charts with a song called Once.

If you’re new to her, here’s the deal: she has the speaking voice of a girl from Lancashire begging her parents for fish and chips, as her mother silently scrubs the front step wearing a long flowery dress, and her father stares angrily at a betting slip. And yet, when she sings she absolutely comes alive, like a malfunctioning synthesiser with a mind of its own.

She also happens to be bucking a reality television trend, which demands that you do your stint, then disappear entirely, like Girlband, or Lisa from Big Brother – remember them? Of course you don’t!

With that in mind, below are five other reality contestants who haven’t so much come back from the dead, as just surprised us a little bit for one reason or another… (not including Makosi from Big Brother who became a prostitute)…

Shell Jubin (Big Brother)

Brainiac Shell was a delicate flower, with a gentle voice, a soft face, and a posh university education. We all thought she might end up on Blue Peter. But no. Within thirty seconds of leaving the house she’d ripped off her clothes for a horny lad’s mag, and on at least one occasion she pretended to be a lipstick lesbian. Who on earth saw that one coming?

JLS (X Factor)

When the winner is announced, and the ceiling ejaculates a splurge of glitter, you assume that whoever hasn’t just won X Factor will return to work on Monday, or slowly amble into a field in remotest Cornwall to silently commit suicide. It’s over. The dream. It’s over. Wrong! In the case of JLS, they actually managed to perform the career equivalent of taking a frown and turning it upside down, by not only storming the music charts, but by leaving the actual winner, Alexandra something, in their wake. Now considered to be the closest thing to The Beatles since A1.

Emily Nakanda (X Factor)

It was actually impossible not to be moved to tears by young Emily’s touching story about almost dying, then coming back to life with a renewed ambition to be a singer. Then, rather out of the blue, videos starting popping up all over the place of this very same singing flower dragging hysterical school children around by the hair, and threatening to stab people in the face. The feelings of confusion and betrayal were up there with being told that your mum is actually your dad.

Jennifer Clark (Big Brother)

If you close your eyes and think really really hard, you might remember Jennifer. To jog your memory, she was the girl who went berserk in the Big Brother house, because the upper class chef, Rex – whose voice, by the way, was so posh that it morphed into one long slurring noise, like a car just sitting there with the motor running. Anyway, where were we? Yes, that’s right, she freaked out because he dabbed some ketchup on her rubbish painting. Nothing massively shocking about that, no. But what was shocking is that she spent roughly 92 per cent of her time in the house berating the kind of slutty girls who take their clothes off for magazines, before being evicted and immediately showing everyone her breasts. Mixed messages there, Jennifer.

Alison Hammond (Big Brother)

The general rule with Big Brother is quite simple – to ensure a few seconds with the warm beam of limelight on your face, you must at least finish in the top few. And yet, Alison, third out – and famous for being so heavy that she destroyed a table just by standing on it – has fashioned something of a television career from her appalling show on Big Brother. In that she now crops up on This Morning from time to time. Good for her.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment. Not Interestment Comedy. Interestment. It’s back.

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Trends – they’re really cyclical. A couple of years ago, were you to go for a wander wearing a beret and red trousers that perfectly contoured the exact definition of your groin, everyone would think that you were a weirdo.  Not now though. You’d be just another guy in beret and jeans, having a bit of a stroll.

And, of course, the clever ones know to hang onto these garments, even when they no longer feature on the cutting edge. They shall rise again. They always do. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day… and for a bit of the rest of your life.

Anyway, the point being that – thanks to a new Drew Barrymore film – roller skating looks all set to soar again, as it once did in the 1970s and 1980s. Hence, we thought it high time to leap directly onto the bandwagon early doors, and after the jump there are ten wonderful roller skating videos that you can show to your friends, as you explain that, really, you’ve always been into it…The Empire Rink, 1978

Believe it or not, but roller skating in a pair of minuscule shorts used to be considered a rather macho thing to do. You might not sense it from the above clip, but these men were dripping with testosterone. Absolutely dripping.

Bobby Cash Redd, Skate Party People

It’s a shame that people don’t make songs about their favourite hobbies any more – the charts could well do with a couple of funk-driven numbers about speed walking, or dicking around on computer games. Above is a great example of a genuinely brilliant song about roller skating.

Skatetown USA

Not an actual town, this was, in fact, an early example of Patrick Swayze‘s acting/dancing skills. May he rest in peace etc…

Gene Kelly on Roller Skates

Probably the greatest dancer of them all – and that includes Travolta in Staying Alive, AND Pacino in Scarface – Gene Kelly was one of the first Hollywood stars to incorporate wheels into his work. And with magnificent results.

Roller Skating Music by Michael Lauziere

Some roller skaters like to take their sport to the extremes. Some go over ramps, some jump from building to building. Others tie cutlery to their equipment and use old glass bottles to make songs happen (above)

De La Soul, A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturday

Rap music’s favourite hippies managed to mistime the upsurge in roller skating popularity by almost twenty years, but now this could conceivably make for a rather smashing Number One hit single.

The Dolly Dots Roller Skating

The great thing about roller skating is that it was very inclusive. You didn’t need much money, just a pair of smelly trainers, some old wheels, a tool kit, a Krypton Factor mind that understood physics, some DIY skills, bits of metal, probably a decent pen, expert balance, and some nice shorts. The ladies above probably splashed out on some expensive ones.

Flight of the Conchords, Ladies of the World

The magnificent New Zealand duo have already paid a rich and fitting homage to roller skating, in a song about wanting to have it off with as many girls as their underpants can handle.

Roller Boogie

The underground roller skating community was awash with sexual chemistry, as these gliding youngsters fell in love with one another mid-move. Roller Boogie caught this steamy electricity and took it to the silver screen. To skating enthusiasts, this was basically pornography.

Vaughan Mason and Crew, Bounce, Rock, Skate, Roll

The greatest roller skating song of them all, this urged listeners to “bounce”, then “rock”, then “skate”, then “roll” and then do it all over again. Repeatedly. Until death.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. May he live forever.

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Christians around the world will be marking the day that Jesus casually strolled out of his tomb and blew everyone’s minds, by frenziedly heaping great big handfuls of chocolate egg into their mouths, whilst enjoying Mel Gibson’s rather angry take on The Life of Brian.

Yes sir, it’s going to be a great few days.

Anyway, in honour of this chocolatey holiday, we thought it high time we paid our respects to some other historical figures – more specifically, famous people – who have also risen from the dead. Only in a slightly less literal sense. They weren’t actually dead. They were just jobless for a wee bit.

John Travolta

After driving everyone wild with his groovy walking technique, and that odd hole in the middle of his chin in the late 1970s, John Travolta was the toast of Hollywood. And then he vanished. No one knew where he was. A hunch suggests that he was busily filling in Scientology questionnaires, and begging pilots to let him sit in the cockpit, but nothing is for certain. What is for certain, however, is that Quentin Tarantino kindly plucked him from retirement, and turned him into the new Marlon Brando. In that he was a bit fat.

Mickey Rourke

Rourke famously turned his back on acting in the 1990s to have his face repeatedly punched instead, and after some rather clumsy reconstructive surgery, he returned to acting looking a little bit like the Bride of Wildenstein’s husband. Hence, he has moved from playing kinky lotharios or charming gangsters, and now only chooses films which are subtle variations on the Quasimodo story. As it happens, there are lots of these.

Robert Downey Jr

Robert Downey Jr’s life – it’s a classic tale of boy becomes famous, boy takes lots of drugs, boy owns gun, boy goes to prison, boy takes drugs again, boy goes to prison again, boy takes more drugs, boy guest stars in Ally McBeal, boy has sex with people, boy takes drugs, boy pretends to sing Elton John song, boy becomes man, boy stops taking drugs, boy fills void from drugs with acting, boy gets acting roles, boy is Iron Man. All rather predictable really.

Kiefer Sutherland

With his long feathery Rod Stewart hair, Kiefer Sutherland enjoyed a wonderful 1980s – Lost Boys, Young Guns, Stand By Me, Bright Lights, Big City – and then suddenly, from nowhere, absolutely no one wanted Kiefer Sutherland any more. Not even Julia Roberts, who had agreed to marry him before cancelling the whole thing with less than a week to go. It was pretty bad. But then, of course, Kiefer had the last laugh, by rising from the ashes like a phoenix with a very husky voice to land the lead role in 24. And where’s Julia Roberts now? Does anyone even know?

Take That

As reinventions go, Take That morphing from topless young boys having their buttocks smeared in jelly, to stubbly grown men in expensive M&S suits is up there with the time MC Hammer decided that, actually, he’s a gangsta rapper. Unfortunately for Hammer, that comeback didn’t really work out, whilst the gentlemen in Take That are enjoying another warm blast in the sunshine. On the downside, it’s all gone slightly to the little one’s head, and he just can’t stop himself having it off with people who aren’t his wife. Every cloud… oh no, hang on, that doesn’t work here…

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. Hooray!

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Right, everyone needs to calm down. Get a nice sweet tea, run yourself a hot bath, sprinkle rose petals around the house. Allow your clothes to slide gently from your body, and dab sprinkles of baby oil onto your thighs. That’s it. Mmm, feel the soft breeze leaping and dancing around your underpants.

Now put on that Best of Alexander O’Neal compilation that was specifically designed to soothe you. And relax. Relaxed? Then listen carefully – there isn’t an Oscar curse. That’s right. Shhhhh…

Yes, it’s true that Sandra Bullock’s wholesome life partner MIGHT have spent a few long evenings smearing his podgy sausage hands all over a woman with tatts on her bosoms, but this could have been going on for AGES. Even during Sandra’s period in the desert when she was just another non-Oscar winner. A nobody.

As for the others – Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, the one who was a boy in that film about being confused – they were all probably just terrible wives.

Now wake the hell up, because here’s something really uplifting! It’s a handful of beautiful thespians who still have husbands/lesbian partners, despite winning an Oscar! See? There’s no hex! You’re so SWEET with your silly craziness.

Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren has been married since 1997, and she’s still married, even though she won an Oscar for pretending to be the Queen. Ahh, she was great in that film, she really caught the Queen’s hilarious mannerisms. Great performance. Just wonderful. Really really wonderful. Look, we’ll be honest, we haven’t seen The Queen, alright.

Frances McDormand

Despite having her marriage to Joel Coen (of Coen Brothers fame) severely tested when Frances McDormand won the Best Actress Oscar for her role as the police officer in Fargo, the pair managed to come through it all unscathed. So much so that they have a little boy called Pedro Coen.

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster has won a couple of Oscars, and no one seems to be going on about how she was then forced to somehow navigate a bitter divorce from her husband. Granted, this might be because Jodie Foster is a lesbian. But still.

Meryl Streep

If any woman’s name is synonymous with the Best Actress Oscar, it’s Meryl Streep’s. She’s been nominated 53 times. And yet, in all that time, she has continued to enjoy a wonderful sexual union/marriage with a sculptor called Don Gummer. Even when she actually won one, in the early 1980s, the pair somehow managed to not get divorced.

Jessica Tandy

For those who can’t quite remember, Jessica was the cabbage-faced star of Driving Miss Daisy – the tale of an old biddy learning all about racism from Morgan Freeman. It won her an Oscar, which she somehow managed to accept, without then quietly informing her husband of fifty years that, actually, it’s over. The pair continued to be married right up until she died.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. Woo.

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The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.

The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.

Only, whilst the funny little people in that movie would just wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday items like kettles, or ironing boards - in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.

So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married…

Britney Spears

Yes, this one might come as a shock to some, being that Britney doesn’t tend to wash herself or bother with things like bras – normally tell tale signs that a lady might be dabbling in prostitution/crack, but not here. No, these are signals that smack of a woman who doesn’t want to attract the kind of smooth talkers who specialise in having rampant affairs with glamorous celebrities. She just wants a man who will love her for the terrifying maniac that she is. That could be you.

Joe Jonas

The Jonas Brothers have made a solemn vow never to have sex with anyone without first getting written permission from God. In infidelity terms, this can only be a good thing. But as with any family, you must beware the first born, and the last – they’re the most likely to skid off the rails, and succumb to the temptation of a frantic liaison with a girl who snuck onto the tour bus. Go for the level head in the middle – Joe. You know what they say, once a virgin always a virgin. Actually, that last bit’s not strictly true.

Geri Halliwell

My God, Geri Halliwell would love you. Love you with a blistering intensity that would blow your mind. No chance of any illicit sex here, because the woman would be too busy clinging onto your waist, begging that you outline exactly what it is that you love about her again… every damn day for the rest of your life. We’ll be honest, in this scenario, you’re the most likely party to slope off looking for cheap thrills. If only to forget. Just for a few stolen moments.

Tom Cruise

Remember, having a sexual affair with someone is very time consuming, and probably quite tiring too. Tom Cruise would be far too busy for that kind of nonsense – what with his career as a movie star, his pledge to rid the world of lizard-people (who are EVERYWHERE, by the way), and all the time spent at dinner parties, attempting to passive-aggressively make everyone like him. Sex just doesn’t even come into it.

Cliff Richard

Cliff doesn’t do sex.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy, which you will probably love

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For anyone who doesn’t already know – perhaps you’re too cool, too busy, or too strung out to really care – it’s the 419th Academy Awards this weekend.

Yeah, we’re pretty excited.

All the stars will be on the red carpet, with their dresses and their lovely suits, and once inside that swishy auditorium, it’ll be present-giving-out time. That’s our favourite bit.

Hence, in the spirit of whipping everyone up into a seal-clapping frenzy, we thought we’d make a few predictions.They will definitely do the bit about dead people

They love the bit about dead people at the Oscars – you know, where they play sad music then show you pictures of people you don’t know, until finally there’s one you do know. This year, that’ll probably be Patrick Swayze. With the moving music, and all of those images of cameramen, and sound guys, this segment will be spent crying very openly and hysterically.

A Scientologist won’t win

If Scientologists really want to be taken seriously, might we suggest that they enlist some slightly better actors? Not one is up for nomination this year. Not one. It’s a dark year for Scientology.

There will be an upset

Mickey Rourke was supposed to win last year. Then, a few years ago, Goodfellas was pipped by the Kevin Costner film about a man who likes to ignore the pretty ladies in revealing dresses lining the walls of the ballroom, and chooses instead to dance with sexy young wolves (we haven’t seen it). There is literally always an upset. This year, a hunch suggests that James Cameron – flying high on the back of that film about blue people being environmentally friendly in 3D – will receive the Oscar cock-punch by coming away with bugger all.

A lady will cry

The Oscars demand tears. Preferably womanly ones that start slowly, like a drip emerging from a student’s bathroom tap, but morph into something altogether more impressive, like rain spatting on the windscreen of a blue Vauxhall Astra. They won’t get those from beard-stroking pipe smokers like Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren. So expect the Oscar to go to Sandra Bullock, or the gargantuan one from Precious – in either actressing category.

Someone will do a hilarious song

This year Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are on making-it-hilarious duty, so they will probably do a funny song. On the outside, it will look like harmless fun, but on the inside, the child they once were will be tearfully begging them to stop. It wasn’t meant to be like this. “Why are you doing a song?” he weeps, still wearing the fancy dress cowboy hat that made him want to act in the first place. “You’re not a singer!”

Elton John will have a party

He always does. Loves a party, that Elton John. Absolutely loves one.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. No, really, it was.

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Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That’s it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.

Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it’s important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.

The north of England will, of course, be divided – some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay’s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student’s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.

So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn’t for the faint hearted…Cheryl Cole versus Charlotte Church

Otherwise known as ‘the day pop music died’, this began when Cheryl Cole (or as she was known then, ‘Cheryl Tweedy’) made some catty remark about the opera singer. Or it might have been the other way round. No one is completely sure. But it’s a damn mess. Both so feminine, so beautiful, but put a few alcoholic lemonades down them, and it’s like Armageddon. Church recently vowed to knock Cheryl out if she sees her, and just by saying that she made everyone in earshot an accomplice to GBH. And, sorry to say it, but by reading this, you’re now an accomplice too. We’re all going to jail!

Paris Hilton versus Nicole Richie

Oh, it was great when they were friends! Particularly when they did that show about going to poor people’s houses to tease the family youngsters to a full erection, before leaving. That was hilarious. So imagine our horror, when Paris said this: “It’s no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends. Nicole knows what she did, and that’s all I’m ever going to say about it.” No! What did she do, Paris? Did she hurt you? Tell us! Damn Nicole Richie and her hurtful behaviour…

Eminem versus Mariah Carey

This could have been a marriage made in heaven. Him a rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, her the singing princess who demands that everything always be at room temperature. Especially rooms. Unfortunately, the minute that Eminem suggested that Carey had enjoyed long evenings receiving his drooling tongue, she immediately backtracked, and insisted that no rubbing/smearing had ever taken place between the two. The rapper hit back by featuring some of her sensual voice messages on one of his albums, whilst she put paid to the whole thing by marrying someone. Such a waste.

Shannen Doherty versus Alyssa Milano

Time was when these girls had it all – great looks, big wads of freshly ironed notes shoved in their back pockets, character acting roles in the hit US TV show Charmed. Unfortunately, art decided to imitate life, as the girls morphed into witches, with Milano saying this of her ex-buddy: “Shannen was like a bad roommate. There was a lot of tension on the set. She can be aggressive, so I was afraid of her. I got more hurt than angry.” To which Shannen replied: “Twenty years in this business, and I have only one person who hates me in my life.” Erm, actually Shannen, perhaps make that at least two.

Jennifer Lopez versus Gwyneth Paltrow

Forget what you know about Jennifer Lopez, that woman isn’t the dreamy singer/actress/bottom on your television screen – beneath the kindly veneer beats the heart of a cruel tigress. Like a wrestler picking a fight with an invalid, she once said this of Gwyneth Paltrow: “I don’t remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work.” Ouch. Of course, Gwyneth has enjoyed the last laugh, because she’s now married to the guy from Coldplay, and has starred in great films, like… erm…

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are a thing to behold

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Ahh, Valentine’s Day. It’s not far off now. You’ll see them, sitting there on tables for two, staring blankly over one another’s shoulder, wondering whether to pop the question to ease the crippling silence.

Then they’ll get married. He’ll do a speech about how wonderful she looks today, without once mustering the desire to so much as glance at her, as she sits with a fixed grin, her teeth shaking under the pressure of smiling so much.

After that, they might enjoy three awkward evenings which wind up in fumbled stony faced sexual intercourse every six months, and one will lead to the birth of a child. And that child will go on to fame and fortune, and everyone will cheer, because there is a happy ending.

The credits roll.

Here are some other great romantic comedies that were actually made into films…

Groundhog Day

Bill Murray has made some wonderful films. There’s the one about golf, the one where he’s a really bored actor making a bet with himself to see if the pretentious girl who wanders around Japan attempting to locate her inner amazingness will get off with him if he quotes a few lines from Dawson’s Creek. Then there’s Ghostbusters. And then there’s this, Groundhog Day. It’s a great film, which finds Murray going through the same day over and over again, before he finally gets to fondle Andie MacDowell’s round womanly breasts. Rather fittingly, it’s so good that you could probably watch it repeatedly.

Coming to America

There’s a message here – it goes something along the lines of “money isn’t everything”, or “it’s who you are on the inside that counts”, or “the meek shall inherit the earth”. And yet, in many ways, Eddie Murphy’s exercise in deception – playing an African prince pretending to be penniless in order to woo a lady – wouldn’t actually work in real life. Think about it – how many times have you seen a tramp in a doorway tongue kissing a beautiful model? Perhaps twice? Three times at a push? It’s very rare. Still, this is moving stuff, and probably the last of Eddie Murphy’s great turns. Unless you count the one about the fat people being all fat.

Chasing Amy

Here’s one for all of those unfortunate romantics who have managed to get to Date Three before realising that the moustached woman in dungarees sitting opposite is actually a lesbian. It’s always a massive cock-punch when that happens. Anyway, here, the lesbian is a bit of a curveball, because she looks like your everyday hetero in so many ways. Hence why Ben Affleck fancies his chances. That’s right, “Ben Affleck”. He’s in it, and the film is notable for starring Ben Affleck, and yet it doesn’t leave you with the urge to brick up your lounge, then run onto the streets to punch anyone who happens to be passing by in the face. For that reason alone, you have to watch it. It also stars Jason Lee, who – like Tom Cruise – thinks that some people are actually lizards.

Annie Hall

You can’t claim to love romantic comedies and not have sat through at least twenty Woody Allen films. The story is usually the same – a man in the middle of a panic attack falls in love with someone pretty who reads books, and then all hell breaks loose. Cue a little man making quips about sexual inadequacies, his love interest taking a shine to a poet/musician from “the Village”, him going slowly bananas, her saying that she’s really sorry but she’s moved on, him asking how she could possibly move on, her saying that she just has, him asking whether it was the relentless questioning that did it, her suggesting that it might have been, him asking what she means by that, her wondering what he’s getting at, him pointing out the other guy’s flaws, her saying that this kind of behaviour is exactly the problem, him suddenly going silent, her explaining that she just couldn’t live with his constant whinging, him whinging about that. The end. Brilliant.

When Harry Met Sally

If you only ever watch one film in which Meg Ryan pretends to have the female equivalent of a male orgasm in a packed restaurant, before an old lady on another table makes a hilarious quip about wanting the same meal, then make that film When Harry Met Sally. It stars Billy Crystal when he was still likeable, and Princess Leia is in it as well. The story goes that men and women can’t be friends without eventually having sex with one another, which might come as something of a shock to the various women in Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s life. For example.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, organiser of the magnificent Interestment Comedy.

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Hey man, don’t sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn’t got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.

Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.

Madonna, take your pick.

You’re welcome.

Danny Dyer

If we’ve picked up any clues from Madonna’s marriages, it’s that she likes her men to be slightly violent (Sean Penn), and a little bit cockney (Guy Ritchie). Of course, at this point most people would claim that Guy Ritchie just pretends to be an East End barrow boy, whilst he’s actually a pipe smoking posho. But we shan’t be doing that. Instead, might we suggest that Madonna gives Danny Dyer a go? He actually is a filthy cockney bugger, and something about the way he appears affected by all manner of physical jerks and random facial ticks suggests that were you to surprise him with a sneeze, his impulsive reaction would be to punch you in the throat. Madonna would definitely be drawn to that kind of danger.

Britney Spears

These two have unfinished business. Remember the kiss they did that time? The one where Justin Timberlake sat in the audience with steam coming out of his ears, and the planet actually jolted slightly off orbit because the whole of China hid an erection in unison? Yeah, that was some hot stuff right there. With both girls in the midst of what’s known in the trade as “having a bit of a moment”, it might be time to get naked – all except for their matching red Kabbalah bracelets – and do whatever it is that women in love do when there’s no man involved in the mix. Probably just touch tongues and compare nails, we suspect.

Willem Defoe

No matter how good the actors are, you can’t fake on-screen chemistry. You’ve either got it, or you don’t… got it. And, sweet baby Moses, Madonna and Willem Defoe had so much chemistry in Body of Evidence that they could probably have manufactured some kind of sulphuric explosion just by glancing at one another. Him with the gargoyle-face, her biting his nips, and smearing bubbling handfuls of wax into his underpants – it was steamy. Had that coffee shop lady from When Harry Met Sally been in the bedroom while they were doing it, she’d have asked the waiter for what Madonna was having, not Meg Ryan. That’s how sexy it was. Really really sexy.

Eminem

Back in the 1990s, Madonna famously opted to craft a coffee table book of nude shots, accompanied by hand written pornographic details about exactly how she likes her love making to pan out. One such photograph featured the hardcore street rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) cupping one of her bosoms, and saying something presumed to be rather revolting in her ear. Unfortunately, Vanilla probably lacks the necessary profile to pick up where the pair left off, so perhaps she might settle for a modern day re-enactment with his rightful heir, Eminem? Alternatively, she could wile away the evenings reliving the shot where she pops on a nipple-less outfit and attempts to remove hot toffee from her finger without using her hands? Her choice.

Nick Jonas

Of course, Madonna could just continue the trend of stepping out with increasingly younger men, following 23-year-old Jesus with one of the Jonas Sisters – of whom we’d recommend 17-year-old Nick. He’s a good God-fearing young man, that one, and exactly the kind of quivering virgin needed to add an extra coil to the spring in Madonna’s step. Once his nervous shrieking and relentless praying for forgiveness becomes too much, she can move effortlessly on, safe in the knowledge that at least one teenager will never again be able to hear the opening to Like a Virgin without immediately stress puking and falling into a temporary standing coma until it ends. Job done.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.

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