The process of a pop group disbanding is very similar to the gradual disintegration of a once-wonderful love affair.
It starts with a few missed appointments, then a couple of sudden solo holidays, followed by dates with other people, startling weight loss on your part, thanks to an inability to hold down food. Then eventually you're left in a metaphorical sand-holding situation, in which the sand represents your love, and yet it appears to be flowing through your fingers at an ever-quickening rate.
Eventually, in your heightened state of mania, you notice that the sand has gone. There's nothing there. It's over. And rather embarrassingly, your partner has moved on, and appears to be actually marrying someone else. When did all of that happen?
Anyway, all of this leads completely seamlessly to the popular all-girl group, Girls Aloud. In egg timer terms, the consensus this week is that time is running out ? over 50 per cent of them are going solo, and four of them are really bloody thin. Basically, it's finished. So what next for these glamorous young women? Read on and you\’ll find out?Cheryl Tweedy/Cole
Don't be fooled into thinking that Cheryl Cole is going to go stratospheric. Yes, she's the first one out of the traps, but remember the tale of the hare and the tortoise? To refresh your memory, about twelve years ago a talking hare challenged a local tortoise to a race, and the tortoise won! That's about all we can remember. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Cheryl Cole might just be a talking hare dressed up as a woman. Or it might be ‘don't challenge tortoises to a race’. To be honest, what that analogy actually means, no one knows.? But take heed, Cheryl! Take big heed.
Sarah Harding
Sarah Harding, you might remember, is also a wonderful actress. She's been in everything from St Trinian?s to St Trinian?s II: The Legend of Fritton?s Gold. In between each tour du force, she appeared as an over-acting woman scorned in a television film about the credit crunch. If the brief were ‘be a really bad actress’, then she should have got a BAFTA. As it is, once the girls go their separate ways, she can squodge all twelve of her lovely fingers into as many pies as possible. Acting ? check. Singing ? check. Presenting ? check. A reality television programme ? check? you probably get the gist of this.
Nadine Coyle
If there is going to be a Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams style face-off, then this will be it. In group terms, Coyle is lead singer/king, but when it comes to Simon Cowell career endorsement, Cole is on the front foot. History dictates that Nadine will need to rely on a mixture of raw talent and fluctuating weight loss to come out on top here, and she's already cleverly ticked one of those boxes. Plus, word has it that she's done some work with William Orbit, and everyone knows that he's cooler than a carton of smokey joes sitting atop a leather jacket. One to watch.
Ginger One
For those who don't know, the flame-haired one actually has a name ? she's called Nicola Roberts or something. And, in real life, away from the spotlight, Nicola has been busily attempting to create a make-up range specifically for girls whose skin starts to bubble and ooze the very minute they come in contact with the sun. The word on the street is that what this lady doesn't know about make-up probably isn't worth knowing. An expert on eye smudge, cheek paints, colourful lip marmite, and the rest. A businesswoman.
The other one
Yes, there is another one. In this case, that other one is Kimberly Walsh. Her role in the band ? to mime and look pretty. You see, unfortunately for Kimberly, when the good Lord was crafting her voice box, he/she became muddled, and put in that of a Yorkshire farmer. Hence, when she sings, she sounds a bit like someone from Emmerdale Farm clumsily impersonating Michael Jackson. A hunch suggests that somewhere in the north of England, a twenty-something stable boy entertains the cows at night with his startling Aguilera vocal renditions. No more singing/miming for Walsh. She’ll vanish.
This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from the effervescent Interestment
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JohnxC says
Why do you have to write such a negative and nasty and untrue article Mr Burt? Why the sarky comments about Sarah? It is her first film and I loved it, and on all accounts many other people have done so too. As for Nadine, she has always been very slim, and some malicious reporters have deliberately used unusual camera angles and fake images to intentionally make her seem slimmer than she is. And why the rudeness about Nicola calling her the “Ginger One”, quite unnecessary, and all fans know her name and you wont mention her singing talents will you. As for Kimberley, she has such a lovely character and she certainly does not mime as you would suggest. I’ll leave my final comments for Cheryl who has also been a significant contributor to the band and who has been a success in her own right with her excellent 3 Words album. The BEPs tour is a sell out and X-Factor ratings are high because cheryl is there.
I really don’t understand why you have to know the most successful girl band we have had here. They have performed to sell out tours and give pleasure to millions of people of all ages – just you compare their contribution to your own.
Your article is a “troll”. You would do better teaming up with Tracey Corderoy writing a troll story, but thats too hard for you.
Pat says
Ginger One ? Really ?
what is this ? 2004 ? (question marks much?)
who ever wrote this doesn’t even live in the uk ,
Nicola has come a long way since her old “Tan ,Ginger ,Shy One” Days
She is a very well-known name in the Fashion Industry , and Right now the 2nd Popular Member of Girls Aloud
the person who wrote this article should really consider moving out from under his Rock .
Kevin says
f*** whoever wrote this
hoohaahee says
@JohnxC and the other posters “defending” girls aloud..
You do realise that:
This group of talentless housing-estate harridans have made obscene amounts of money, pushed back the quality of music to a “70’s variety show” standard and can’t fuckin’ sing.
They epitomize the very worst of the crass, image-driven, having actual-ability-is-not-a-factor shite that infests our airwaves?
They have been produced by powerful, media – savvy, elitist, upper middle class record industry “execs” as fodder for the bleating, low brow, “accept any old shite as long as it’s pop with nice birds” demograph?
Honestly, idiots like yourselves will accept any old turd as long as an attempt has been made to polish it.
..Now fuck off and read “Jordan’s” latest biography.
halo says
@hoohaahee
LMAO = brilliant!
Have to love google news feed day, it’s sure to bring out fools with zero sense of humor
Buuhhh..... says
So, Pat makes the assumption that ‘whoever wrote this article’ (the clue’s in the byline) lives outside the UK and under a Rock (or is it The Rock?). I will make a few assumptions too:
Pat lives in a bin behind Debenhams and does it with tramps for 50p a time. For an extra 20p Pat will stroke the tramp’s beard and sing sea shanties in a Swansea accent.