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C J Davies

Badvertising: Mr Sprigg’s Barbeque

by C J Davies

R&B is sexier than any other musical genre.

Think about it – you ain’t gonna have much luck pulling the laydeez with your swept-haircut indie or your monocle-wearing classical or your no-one-really-likes-it-anyway jazz fusion. The most immediate way to make yourself attractive is to give yourself a smooth backing track full of ‘woah-oh’s and ‘mmmmm-baby-yeah’s.

This is something advertisers have been quick to latch onto. You can make virtually any product sleek and super-fine by associating it with a laid-back groove and harmonious vocalstylings. Right? Right? Eh? Are we right or are we right? We’re right. We always are.

Oh – apart from the commercial for Mr. Sprigg’s Barbeque.

This is … well … more just weird.

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Disturbing Friday Fun: Otherkin Dating

by C J Davies

We’ll all been there.

You meet a girl, you get talking, have a few drinks … and everything seems to be going smoothly, until you head back to your place and reveal that you’re an Interdimensional Elf with magic future-seeing skin. Then she gets all scream-out-loudy and police-cally and the evening is ruined. Ruined.

Thank the pissing todger of Christ, then, for Otherkin Dating. Why? Because they’ve bravely stepped forward and broken new ground – providing a dating service for the ‘less normal’ inhabitants of society. By which they mean the Elves, Werewolves or general ‘Visitors From The Outside.’ Who all obviously exist. Obviously.

Any lonesome ladies out there might want to check out the profile of ShadowShifter, a 27-year-old wolfman from Washington who unfortunately ‘hasn’t had much luck’ with his shapeshifting as of yet. The primary characteristic he’s looking for in a girl? Pretty obvious, really – she must ‘believe in shapeshifting’.

Takes all sorts, eh? As the creators of Otherkin Dating put it:

“Where else would you find the “Changing Color” option in relation to the color of the eyes?”

Generally written in shit on an asylum wall, to be honest. But failing that, have a click here:

Otherkin Dating

We'll all been there. You meet a girl, you get talking, have a few drinks ... and everything seems to be going smoothly, until you head back to your place and reveal that you're an Interdimensional Elf with magic future-seeing skin. Then she gets all scream-out-loudy and police-cally and the evening is ruined. Ruined. Thank the pissing todger of Christ, then, for Otherkin Dating. Why? Because they've bravely stepped forward and broken new ground - providing a dating service for the 'less normal' inhabitants of society. By which they mean the Elves, Werewolves or general 'Visitors From The Outside.' Who all obviously exist. Obviously. Any lonesome ladies out there might want to check out the profile of ShadowShifter, a 27-year-old wolfman from Washington who unfortunately 'hasn't had much luck' with his shapeshifting as of yet. The primary characteristic he's looking for in a girl? Pretty obvious, really - she must 'believe in shapeshifting'. Takes all sorts, eh? As the creators of Otherkin Dating put it: "Where else would you find the "Changing Color" option in relation to the color of the eyes?" Generally written in shit on an asylum wall, to be honest. But failing that, have a click here: Otherkin Dating
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Hecklerspray Oddities: The Michael Phelps Breakfast

by C J Davies

Michael Phelps, eh?

He’s good at swimming, isn’t he? And – boy – does he ever have a lot of gold medals.

Sorry. We’re trying our hardest to think of something amusing to say about the record-breaking Olympic champion, but to be honest we just came up with a big list of puns like Phelp, I’m A Fish. And then slapped ourselves.

Instead of straining our imagination glands, then, we’re just going to show you a remarkable video. Many of you will have gawked in amazement at what Phelps eats for breakfast every day in order to keep his strength up … something in the region of sixty million billion calories (or a ‘Chris Moyles’, as it’s known in the business). No-one has ever tried eating the same amount in five minutes, though.

Apart from this man.

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The Fly: The Opera – The Worst Idea Ever

by C J Davies

Literally everything is becoming a musical these days.

From the greatest hits of Take That assembled into one menopause-magnet stage show, to that Queen-based thing that’s been going on for about sixteen universe life-cycles now, it’s never been a better time to put a fresh slant on an old formula.

Still – no-one’s going to go near the Opera, are they? Surely no-one would be mad enough to combine that particular artform with, for example, a revamped version of a cult horror film about a giant talking insect?

Oh.

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Hecklerspray Oddities: ‘I’m Not Here To Make Friends’

by C J Davies

Reality TV is brilliant.

Seriously. Why, hecklerspray simply can’t wait for the Autumn season and the superb roster of new shows it’ll bring – from Celebrity Piss Drinking to Maggot Farm Teen Romance to Look At Me, Look At Me, I Lack Any Real Basic Talent Or Charm But Look At Me Anyway.

Of course, there are many that claim the genre to have a tired and rather predictable formula. We say: bah! Just take a look at this clip and treat yourself to the wide variety of cliche-free, independent-minded characters the wonderful world of the tellybox has to offer.

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Disturbing Friday Fun: spEak You’re bRanes

by C J Davies

If we could only harness the power of stupidity, then the upcoming global energy crisis would be no cause for concern whatsoever.

In fact, given the level of lunacy collected on spEak You’re bRanes – a site named after the classic segment on The Day Today – the planet would have so much excess power whirring around that we’d be forced to jettison some of it into space, thereby knocking the moon out of orbit and upsetting UFO pilots.

All the comments on spEak You’re bRanes are taken directly from the ‘Have Your Say’ section of the BBC News website. It’s essentially a ‘best of the worst’ of amazingly misguided public opinion. Be warned, however – trawl these archives and you’ll find that the eternal laugh/cry dichotomy has never been so stark nor so fierce…

spEak You’re bRanes

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Hecklerspray Oddities: The World’s Worst Court Defence

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray once tried faking a heart attack.

We weren’t very good at it – all that foaming at the mouth, flailing our arms around and screeching out incomprehensible wails and grunts simply made people think that we were some sort of Pete Doherty tribute act, whereupon they either gave us a tenner to scurry off and buy a bag of heroin or just slapped us in the face repeatedly. Mainly the latter.

Still. Our attempt was, like, six million billion times better than that of Keison Wilkins. Who he? He’s the chap who, after deciding to defend himself in court, thought that the best course of action was to fake a heart attack and hope for a mistrial.

He failed.

And was sentenced to 42 years.

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Hecklerspray Oddities: Jim Carrey As Jay Leno

by C J Davies

The early ’90s, eh?

Who can forget those heady days of Global Hypercolour t-shirts, Monster In My Pocket collectible figurines and Channel 4′s Red Light Zone? Jesus – who on Earth can forget Channel 4′s Red Light Zone? Certainly not anyone who was entering adolescence and had a portable TV set in their room, that’s for sure.

Why are we waffling on about the early ’90s so much? Because that’s where this here clip originates from. It’s the first in a new feature called Hecklerspray Oddities (original working title: Clips That We Quite Like But Couldn’t Really Find Any Other Way Of Linking To Them On The Site), in which we present to you a series of clips that we quite like but couldn’t really find any other way of linking to them on the site.

Enjoy, then, a young Jim Carrey partaking in a spot-on sketch show spoof of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

The early '90s, eh? Who can forget those heady days of Global Hypercolour t-shirts, Monster In My Pocket collectible figurines and Channel 4's Red Light Zone? Jesus - who on Earth can forget Channel 4's Red Light Zone? Certainly not anyone who was entering adolescence and had a portable TV set in their room, that's for sure. Why are we waffling on about the early '90s so much? Because that's where this here clip originates from. It's the first in a new feature called Hecklerspray Oddities (original working title: Clips That We Quite Like But Couldn't Really Find Any Other Way Of Linking To Them On The Site), in which we present to you a series of clips that we quite like but couldn't really find any other way of linking to them on the site. Enjoy, then, a young Jim Carrey partaking in a spot-on sketch show spoof of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
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Viewers Surprised That Doctor Who Isn’t Real

by C J Davies

It’s been said that some people in this world are stupid.

This is, of course, absolute nonsense. The majority of people in this world are stupid – hapless, witless mouth-breathers who drift gormlessly through their lives with all the intellectual vigour of a bag of Oven Chips. Bearing this in mind, however, it still boggles the mind as to the boundless depths of idiocy to which the truly moronic are capable of plunging.

Like dialling the number of a TV character. And complaining when there’s no answer.

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Jennifer Lopez Acts Like An Idiot; Annoys People

by C J Davies

We can all be a bit demanding sometimes.

Why, only the other day, the people in the office next door had their radio playing too loud, so hecklerspray stormed over there and ordered them to turn it off. They didn’t listen, of course, but once we tipped that vial full of the Ebola virus into their coffee maker, they soon quietened down. After a few hours of tortured screaming and vomiting. Still – it beat The Chris Moyles Show hands-down.

We’re just grateful, though, that we don’t have to deal with stroppy diva Jennifer Lopez, whose sense of self-importance is now seemingly so large it may have to obtain planning permission simply to exist. She decided to go on a little shopping excursion to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile last week, you see, and members of staff have blabbed to Page Six magazine about what an unrepentant twat she was acting.

We can all be a bit demanding sometimes. Why, only the other day, the people in the office next door had their radio playing too loud, so hecklerspray stormed over there and ordered them to turn it off. They didn't listen, of course, but once we tipped that vial full of the Ebola virus into their coffee maker, they soon quietened down. After a few hours of tortured screaming and vomiting. Still - it beat The Chris Moyles Show hands-down. We're just grateful, though, that we don't have to deal with stroppy diva Jennifer Lopez, whose sense of self-importance is now seemingly so large it may have to obtain planning permission simply to exist. She decided to go on a little shopping excursion to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile last week, you see, and members of staff have blabbed to Page Six magazine about what an unrepentant twat she was acting.
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