Anyone but Piers Morgan. That’s our opinion. Just because he’s British, posh and has an inexplicable fondness for his own voice, it doesn’t mean that anyone wants Piers Morgan to be the new American Idol judge. Imagine it – imagine spending several months staring at Piers Morgan’s braying, swollen, amphibian head and being forced to listen to all the self-satisfied guttural noises that spew out of it. Imagine it. Imagine the damage to your mental well-being that would be caused if Piers Morgan was ever allowed to be a judge on American Idol. Imagine it.
Luckily, though, Simon Cowell wants Lady Gaga instead. So that’s something.
Although they were technically stopgap fill-ins to ease the transition between Paula Abdul and Ellen DeGeneres, the news that Simon Cowell is off to inflict X Factor on America next year means that this year’s crop of temporary American Idol judges were also unconsciously auditioning to be his replacement. And the good news is they all failed.
All of them. Shania Twain was too alarmingly sexual, Katy Perry was too furious at the world and Victoria Beckham looked too much like the world’s sternest haute couture leather-flavoured lollipop. They all failed. Howard Stern has been mooted as a Cowell replacement – but his speciality is forcing booby models to have orgasms on slightly low-rent radio shows, not giving professional advice to aspiring musicians, so he’d hardly be very good. So the question remains – who will replace Simon Cowell on American Idol?
Luckily, Simon Cowell has his own ideas on the matter. He’s analysed everything that’s made him popular – the pointless affectations, the ludicrous haircut, the deliberately horrible outfits, the endless speculation over his sexuality – and picked the person who fits that criteria most accurately. Lady Gaga. Simon Cowell picked Lady Gaga because Lady Gaga is basically his identical twin. Reuters quotes:
“I think we should have Lady Gaga because she is the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment. So I think she should be number one (on the list). And I’ve met her. She is very smart. I like her.”
We can completely see Simon Cowell’s point here – Lady Gaga would be a brilliant American Idol judge. Especially if she brings that big button she had at the Brits that said the word ‘bitch’ out loud every time she pushed it. It’d be excellent – Randy Jackson would have ‘dog’, Lady Gaga would have ‘bitch’ and Kara DioGuardi could pick another offensively misogynistic slur, like ‘slag’ or ‘custard knickers’.
Or maybe Simon Cowell secretly thinks that Lady Gaga would be the worst American Idol judge possible, and has named her so that she’ll destroy the franchise and force everyone to watch X Factor instead.
No, that can’t be it – if that was his game, he would have suggested that Piers Morgan should be his replacement. Nobody would be a worse choice than Piers Morgan. We really can’t stress that enough.