With Simon Cowell leaving American Idol soon, thoughts have naturally turned to his successor. Who should it be?
Anyone but Piers Morgan. That’s our opinion. Just because he’s British, posh and has an inexplicable fondness for his own voice, it doesn’t mean that anyone wants Piers Morgan to be the new American Idol judge. Imagine it – imagine spending several months staring at Piers Morgan’s braying, swollen, amphibian head and being forced to listen to all the self-satisfied guttural noises that spew out of it. Imagine it. Imagine the damage to your mental well-being that would be caused if Piers Morgan was ever allowed to be a judge on American Idol. Imagine it.
Luckily, though, Simon Cowell wants Lady Gaga instead. So that’s something.
Although they were technically stopgap fill-ins to ease the transition between Paula Abdul and Ellen DeGeneres, the news that Simon Cowell is off to inflict X Factor on America next year means that this year’s crop of temporary American Idol judges were also unconsciously auditioning to be his replacement. And the good news is they all failed.
All of them. Shania Twain was too alarmingly sexual, Katy Perry was too furious at the world and Victoria Beckham looked too much like the world’s sternest haute couture leather-flavoured lollipop. They all failed. Howard Stern has been mooted as a Cowell replacement – but his speciality is forcing booby models to have orgasms on slightly low-rent radio shows, not giving professional advice to aspiring musicians, so he’d hardly be very good. So the question remains – who will replace Simon Cowell on American Idol?
Luckily, Simon Cowell has his own ideas on the matter. He’s analysed everything that’s made him popular – the pointless affectations, the ludicrous haircut, the deliberately horrible outfits, the endless speculation over his sexuality – and picked the person who fits that criteria most accurately. Lady Gaga. Simon Cowell picked Lady Gaga because Lady Gaga is basically his identical twin. Reuters quotes:
“I think we should have Lady Gaga because she is the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment. So I think she should be number one (on the list). And I’ve met her. She is very smart. I like her.”
We can completely see Simon Cowell’s point here – Lady Gaga would be a brilliant American Idol judge. Especially if she brings that big button she had at the Brits that said the word ‘bitch’ out loud every time she pushed it. It’d be excellent – Randy Jackson would have ‘dog’, Lady Gaga would have ‘bitch’ and Kara DioGuardi could pick another offensively misogynistic slur, like ‘slag’ or ‘custard knickers’.
Or maybe Simon Cowell secretly thinks that Lady Gaga would be the worst American Idol judge possible, and has named her so that she’ll destroy the franchise and force everyone to watch X Factor instead.
No, that can’t be it – if that was his game, he would have suggested that Piers Morgan should be his replacement. Nobody would be a worse choice than Piers Morgan. We really can’t stress that enough.
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Tom J says
I’ve heard that Lady Gaga’s enormous nose doubles as a divining rod for bad taste.
JoeMomma says
If they want to boost raitings just use the cast of Twilight. I mean everyone on Idol is crap, the songs are crap, the judges are crap. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s all crap. Crappety-crap-crap… that makes a boat load of money.
stella says
Lady Gaga looks like a result of a weird scientific experiment to turn an animal into a human being that only went half-way. I still haven’t figured out what animal has been used as a raw material, but, anyway, you could scoop popcorns with her chops or Chris Brown could pick up rubbish with it. Mind that I’ve never dared hear her sing, my health isn’t just strong enough, I could go gaga.
BTW, every time I mindlessly zap through the channels I have a sensation I live on the planet of apes, or maybe it’s just me.
Sunny says
Kara’s button just needs a recording of some wild feline animal, such as a tiger, lion or cougarrrrrr.
Randy says
The title is inaccurate, this blogger sucks :)
Alvazar says
I think its amazing she looks very ordinary without makeup. She is of course still gorgeous.
Timeless beauty.
Podarkis says
I love this insane beauty. I buy all her CDs. I very much want to get to the concert. I loved Lady Gaga!
Spacer says
Lady GaGa is so amazing, she looks very hot and sexy!!! I love her voice and the way she dance on the scene. Very talented girl!
brian says
i hope lady gaga. because she is the best canidate best of luck gaga
Amanda says
lol whenever someome would suck at singing, Lady Gaga would press her “Bitch” button!