These early stages of American Idol are never fun, are they? The bad singing. The pants on the ground.
The more Ryan Seacrest than anyone could ever stomach. But at least this year, American Idol has the added benefit of the guest judge. Sure, the guest judges may not be quite as much fun as watching Paula Abdul roll up to every audition 30 minutes late with a frothing mouth and some of her hair on fire, but at least they’re sort of interesting if you lean towards being unnecessarily judgemental.
Last night, the American Idol guest judge spot was filled by Shania Twain. Or, as she’s likely to be referred to forever more, Horny Old Bastard Shania Twain.
As we’ve previously mentioned, this weird post-Abdul, pre-Ellen, pre-post-Cowell stage of American Idol has to fight harder than ever to win audiences over. The glorious past of the show, as represented by Paula Abdul, is no more. The intriguing future of the show, as represented by Ellen DeGeneres and Simon Cowell’s replacement, has yet to materialise. And that leaves us with the clunking present of the show – the fat bloke who talks about dogs a lot and the charisma-free woman who looks like the photographer character from Just Shoot Me. Really, it’s not pleasant to witness.
But at least we have the American Idol guest judges for entertainment. Last week they came in the form of Victoria Beckham – who successfully managed to make the show all about her, largely because she turned up dressed as a shrivelled leather voodoo doll of herself – and Mary J Blige. Mary J Blige’s appearance we know less about because a) she was upstaged by a man singing a song about putting his pants on the ground and b) she’s a brutal hulk of a woman, and she might punch us in the face if we say anything mean about her.
And last night, American Idol wheeled out Shania Twain. Oh, you remember Shania Twain. Old-timey country star. Loves America. Lives in Switzerland for the quality of life and the tax benefits. Husband left her for their maid. Definitely has both of her legs. Not impressed by very much. Oh, come on, you remember her.
Anyway, let’s take it for granted that Shania Twain did better at American Idol than Victoria Beckham. So what will she be remembered for? Her pithy criticism? Her well-rounded determination to find a redeemable kernel in every contestant? Her witty banter? No, chances are it’ll probably be for the fact that she’s a horny old bastard. About reports:
Shania didn’t impart too much wisdom during her judging stint — although she did offer some interesting compliments to one hopeful. Her remarks for 20-year-old college student John Park included: “You have a beautiful bottom end…You have nice lips…You have a good head.” Um…We’re thinking her remarks had something to do with music, but all of her giggling and twirling of her shirt string threw us off.
Wait! Is it too late to give Ellen DeGeneres the shove? Remember when Paula Abdul was accused of having an affair with an American Idol contestant? Judging by her remarks last night, it seems like it’d only be a matter of time before Shania Twain blundered into a similar scandal. She’s the new Paula Abdul!
OK, maybe not exactly the new Paula Abdul – we’d need to badly concuss her before each show, or at least spike her food with some sort of semi-legal industrial sedative, for that to be the case – but it’s a start. Shania Twain forever!