Poor Kara DioGuardi. All she wants is to sit around pointlessly on the American Idol judging panel saying nothing of interest.
But everyone makes it so hard for her. Simon Cowell has had his run-ins with Kara. Paula Abdul disliked Kara so much that she ended up leaving American Idol after one just season with her. And the public in general eye Kara with suspicion, knowing that her most significant contribution to American Idol will be the ghastly greeting card jingle she’ll write for the winner.
But at least Kara DioGuardi can make friends with the new American Idol guest judges, right? Like last night’s Katy Perry? Who took every opportunity to snipe at Kara? And at one point threatened to throw a drink in her face? Oh.
Now that Simon Cowell is definitely leaving American Idol, it’s hard to watch the guest judges without speculating on how well they’d do as his replacement. Victoria Beckham would make a lousy Simon, for instance, because she tends to like Otzi The Iceman during an ill-advised bout of sexual experimentation. Mary J Blige would also be a bad choice, in case she lost her temper and destroyed everything in sight with the power of her mighty biceps. And, unless American Idol producers want Simon Cowell’s replacement to be unstoppably horny all the time, Shania Twain is out too.
But last night’s American Idol guest judge Katy Perry? Different story altogether. It turns out that Katy Perry is just like Simon. Simon Cowell works so well on shows like American Idol because he acts as a proxy to the audience – if we think a contestant is awful, so will he. That’s why he’s successful. Last night Katy Perry also acted as a viewer proxy, except she took the role to its logical conclusion.
Because if you were an American Idol judge, you wouldn’t just criticise the contestants, would you? You’d criticise the whole show. You’d tire of all the endless sob stories. You’d get tetchy with Kara DioGuardi. You’d tape up Randy Jackson‘s mouth and kick him down a stairwell. And, brilliantly, Katy Perry did all of these things during last night’s American Idol. Apart from the Randy Jackson thing, obviously, but if she gets Simon’s job it’s just a matter of time.
Katy, like Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell before her, ended up butting heads with Kara DioGuardi last night – with the key exchange coming after an audition by Chris Golightly, who was never hugged by his mother or something. MTV picks up the story moments after Kara said that Golightly’s rendition of Stand By Me would cause the judges to “look back on this audition and go ‘Wow'”:
The latter’s reaction to Golightly’s story elicited a bit of a catfight with Perry, who appeared to clash with DioGuardi several times. “This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart,” Perry said. “He has an amazing story,” DioGuardi countered. “He has an amazing story, but you have to have talent,” Perry said. “Everybody has amazing stories.”
The Katy Perry/Kara DioGuardi sniping continued for much of the episode, and culminated in Katy’s threat to throw a glass of Coca Cola into Kara’s face. See? She even cares about the American Idol sponsors. This woman is perfect.
So it goes without saying that Katy Perry should definitely be given Simon Cowell’s old American Idol job next year, just on the off-chance that she’ll lose her temper with Kara DioGuardi during one of the live shows and start repeatedly pounding Kara’s head against the judging desk until she has to be physically restrained by Ellen DeGeneres or something. It just makes so much sense.
Oh, and Avril Lavigne was also a guest judge on American Idol last night. Do whatever you want with that knowledge.