As you already know, American Idol is all change. Paula’s out, Ellen’s in, Simon’s out and Kara’s inexplicably still in.
And Randy Jackson is awesome. At least that never changes. But on last night’s American Idol – the first of the new season, filmed before Ellen DeGeneres was given Paula Abdul’s (possibly soiled) seat on a permanent basis – we also had to deal with the presence of Victoria Beckham.
Why Victoria Beckham was on American Idol is anyone’s guess – she might have been doing Simon Fuller a favour, or she might have been a genuine contender for Paula’s job, or she might have been there to make Kara DioGuardi look infinitesimally charismatic by comparison – but at least everyone who saw it could agree on one thing. That she was a bit cack.
Even though science dictates that the fastest way for Victoria Beckham to break America would be to use her head as a chisel, it hasn’t stopped her from trying thousands of different options first. She’s tried appearing on magazine covers. She’s tried shipping David Beckham out to LA so more people will listen when she describes her offensively expensive wardrobe. She’s tried being chased around by some pigs. And all were unsuccessful.
So then Victoria Beckham tried American Idol. And that looks like it was pretty unsuccessful too.
Last night the new season of American Idol started. By now you all know what this entails – a 50/50 mix of ghoulish human interest stories and shots of Simon Cowell rolling his eyes at a procession of nightmarish caterwaulers – but this time the secret ingredient was Victoria Beckham. She wasn’t singing, obviously – that would have caused Simon Cowell’s eyes to spin around in their sockets until they caught fire – but she was acting as a fill-in judge for Paula Abdul, who had just decided to quit American Idol because the singing microbes in her head told her to or whatever.
But for whatever reason – maybe because American Idol is already in a near-terminal state of flux or maybe because she came dressed as a decomposing African shrunken head perched on top of what appeared to be the world’s least ergonomic lollipop stick – Victoria Beckham wasn’t quite the hit she thought she’d be. Here’s how her performance went down with the American press:
From The Village Voice:
“Her face is just too crazy for the close-up, and she has nothing to add to the commentary. I always thought a British accent made people sound smart but I guess I was wrong.”
From The LA Times:
“The night’s saddest failure.”
From The Washington Post:
“Beckham-Spice appears to have cracked open her head, because it seemed to be held together with a strip of lace she found in her granny’s closet. The other Idol judges politely pretended not to notice.”
But Victoria Beckham has no reason to be upset. Her American Idol appearance was always going to be a one-off, anyway, so next week we’ll all get to say mean things about Mary J Blige instead. Or at least we would if she wasn’t built like a particularly ferocious tank. We don’t want her to smash our face in or anything. Maybe we’ll just keep quiet instead.