Robert Pattinson is caught in a love triangle – and by ‘love triangle’ we aren’t referring to his weird pointy face.

No, we’re talking about his New Moon castmates. Apparently, Robert Pattinson’s ridiculous hair, odd smell and total lack of charisma have driven a wedge between Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, who are competing for his attention.

It looks like Robert Pattinson is caught in your classic love triangle. Or love rhombus if you count Robert Pattinson’s self-infatuation. Or several love enneakaidecagons if you count all the involuntarily-urinating teenage girls who’d cut their arms off if Robert Pattinson even noticed them.

Not so long ago we told you that Robert Pattinson stinks. However, it would appear that this isn’t true. Or, if it is true, the only things that Robert Pattinson stinks of are bull musk and those synthetic pheromones you buy from the back of newspapers that smell like cat piss and don’t work and the company won’t refund you when you complain about it and you still can’t get a girlfriend and you glumly resign yourself to the fact that you’re going to grow old and die alone. Completely alone. Uh, we heard.

Anyway, our point is that it’s impossible to even consider that the rumours are true and Robert Pattinson smells like a dead moose after an hour at the experimental rancid yoghurt taxidermy centre. He can’t smell bad, because if reports are to be believed, just about the entire female cast of New Moon are fighting each other for his attention.

Apparently one of the girls keen to get her claws into Robert Pattinson is Kristen Stewart, the woman who most recently claimed that she definitely wasn’t having sex with Robert Pattinson. And the other one is Nikki Reed, who we haven’t really heard of but probably stands a better chance with Robert Pattinson because she doesn’t look like a crayon picture of Elvis Presley drawn from memory by a little autistic boy. According to Socialite Life:

“The girls are competing for Rob’s attention. Kristen and Nikki both like him, and it’s getting ugly,” a source tells Star magazine. To make matters worse, Rob encourages their efforts by visiting each of their hotel rooms, the spy claims.

It’s sad to see this sort of behaviour get in the way of New Moon like this. If Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed continue to be blinded by their inexplicable lust for Robert Pattinson, they’ll take their eyes off the ball professionally and forget to make New Moon into the relentlessly mediocre, lazily-written, opportunistically cynical dollop of instantly-forgettable teen fodder that it deserves to be remembered as.

Also, we want to Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed to back off for their own sakes here. Not because it cheapens their image to think of them as little more than lust-spazzed sex pests hell-bent on getting into Robert Pattinson’s pants, but because Dakota Fanning is going to be in New Moon, and we heard that she fights dirty. Honestly, Kristen Stewart had better not come running to us when she wakes up one morning to see that someone’s shaved all her hair off and spiked her drink with that powder that makes you go sterile. That’s all we’re saying.

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