If you’re a 14-year-old girl with an unhealthy crush on Robert Pattinson, we have two pieces of news for you.
One: don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it soon. Two: you should probably start practising how to make your eyes all big and haunted, because mimicking Dakota Fanning has just become your best shot at sneaking onto the New Moon set to launch yourself at Robert Pattinson and tear at his face and scream and cry.
That’s because Dakota Fanning has become a New Moon castmember, ending months of… no, not speculation. What’s the word? Teenage incontinence? Yes, that’s it.
You’ll have to excuse us if we get a little bit confused here – we’d just got used to calling Twilight‘s sequel Twilight 2, and then we discovered that it was called New Moon, and then that got changed to The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and we heard that in a couple of weeks it’ll be changed again to The Exciting Twilight Adventures Of The Twilight Gang In Twilight 2: New Moon – Part Of The Twilight Saga. So if we mess it up, please don’t shriek a bunch of illiterate all-caps abuse in the comment section. Even though we all know you will anyway.
But back to the point. Dakota Fanning has just proved her acting superiority over the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and The Jonas Brothers by acing the New Moon auditions and landing the part of Jane, a vampire who presumably looks a bit spooked and who causes everyone she meets to get so creeped out that they have to run away from her while brushing imaginary insects off their skin after about 15-20 seconds in her company.
Anyway, People reports:
The 15-year-old actress is set to star in New Moon as Jane ? a sinister vampire with an angelic exterior who works for the Volturi, a rep for Summit Entertainment confirms to PEOPLE. “We did just get a script. We’re shooting the rest of the films back to back,” says Nikki Reed, who plays Rosalie Hale in the film. “(Director) Chris Weitz is amazing and I think it’s going to be wonderful.”
This news shouldn’t come as a surprise – Dakota Fanning has been linked to the New Moon role for months, but it’s only just been made official. And it’s an important movie for her, too – get this right and Dakota Fanning will get to throw away a promising film career in favour of being stereotyped in a series of cheaply-made piss-awful fantasy flicks about how brilliant virgins are.
But what’ll be interesting to see is how Dakota Fanning will be embraced by the Twilight fan-army. By and large they all love Robert Pattinson and hate Kristen Stewart because she might have slept with Robert Pattinson. So it makes sense that, if Dakota Fanning wants to be accepted by the Twilight fans, she needs to become as much like Robert Pattinson as possible.
So with that in mind, anyone with experience in concussing teenagers in a way that makes their hair look terrible should probably get in touch with Dakota Fanning’s agent as soon as possible.
shooty* says
Anyone mind if I kick off? No? Ok, cheers. *Ahem*:
DON’T call it Twilight 2!
IT’S NOT! IT’S JUST FUCKING NOT OK??!??!?
You don’t understand. You’re too old. My Chemical Romance understand! Sing to me, Gerard, soothe my emo pain like a sparkly effete vampire.
magnetite says
If she’s to follow the established tween idol line (Cyrus, Hudgens, etc.) then her North Dakotas will be on the internet in about six months, followed a year or two later by her South Dakota.
I’m hoarding sick bags and VomitAway
Matt says
ok nice post but you are wrong! Robert Pattison just dumped his girlfriend Kristen Stewart and then guess what? He is NOT in “New Moon” Which is he quit and went on to find another movie. This is no joke and if you don’t believe me then go search google for it and you will know it.
amariama says
Wait, wait, noooooooooooo. OMG,if Robert Pattinson is not in New Moon, I am going to kill myself. Oh, PLEASE please tell me it isn’t true. How can Edward not be Edward? Because he IS Edward. There cannot be Another Edward, there is only one and he is Edward. That is why I will have to kill myself, because there cannot be another Edward, that would be a False Edward, and would signify the End of Everything. And Robert Pattinson may not even know that he is the True Edward, he may think he is only Acting, but that’s not true he is Edward Cullen. You will see.
amariama says
Just kidding.
chiponhershoulder says
Stuart, I have to say, you make this topic far more interesting than it deserves, even though you are taking the piss! So I will come back. I agree, Dakota makes for a convincing creep…What do you think she is like in real life?
dina says
robert pattinson will be playing edward cullen in ALL the films. those are just rumours ‘Matt’ is telling.
kimberly says
WTF!!
don’t call it twiliht 2… i mean have u read the books? it’s called NEW MOON!!! okay…!!! better get it right next time!!! and who cares?!?! i mean i will still like kristen stewart even if she had sex with robert!! i mean there both gorgeous!! There baby might just the most beautiful and cutest baby ever!!!
Natalya says
1) This Twilight 2 stuff is a joke, just to pull a smile and make the writer seem less attentive to the reagular celebrity gossip. And you shouldn’t really tell someone what to do unless you can enforce it (especially online).
2) Kristen isn’t gorgeous. She’s average (her teeth, her brows, her dead eyes, and her single expression combined with her inablility to act). Robert isn’t gorgeous. He’s far below average (his caterpillar eyebrows, his smile, his dead eyes, his hair, and his inability to act).
3) They don’t have a baby, nor are they having a baby in the forseeable future.
4) You should learn to speak and type in English.