Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared some amazing chemistry in Twilight – hydrogen sulfide to be precise.
But this is a problem. Because when people star in a movie together, everyone assumes that they’re having a torrid real-life affair. It’s why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart always look so miserable. Well, that and their innate lack of charisma.
And Kirsten Stewart wants you to know that she isn’t romantically involved with Robert Pattinson. You know what this means, Robert Pattinson fans? It means you still have a chance with your hero! Once you hit puberty! So in about six years, roughly!
Without question, Twilight has made Robert Pattinson a star. Unfortunately the star it’s made him into seems to be Nick Kamen, ensuring that an entire generation will grow up to be slightly horrified that they could have ever found such a faux-brooding barbershop model sexually attractive.
It’s sort of trapped Robert Pattinson in an uneviable position – he might be one of the world’s most lusted-after men, but the females doing the lusting are either six years old or mad-eyed spinsters who’d break his legs and lock him in a cupboard and sit outside crying for hours at a time given half a chance.
However, there is one possible escape route for Robert Pattinson – his twilight co-star Kristen Stewart. After all, they both work together, they go to the same social functions and they know the experience of making awful cheap-looking teenage vampire movies that feature embarrassingly heavy subtexts better than anyone else on Earth. And that’s why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are definitely doing it.
Except they’re not. Kristen Stewart wants everyone to know once and for all that she’s definitely, definitely not sleeping with Robert Pattinson, possibly for fear that he’ll accidentally knock her up and she’ll be left with a boring little baby with a face like a weather-beaten plank of wood and a weird Beaker haircut. According to People:
“Rob and I are good friends. We went through a lot together, so we feel very close… If we go out in public, every little detail is scrutinized, like the way I stand next to him. And it's like, I know this guy really fucking well. It’s only natural that we’re sort of leaning on each other, because we’re put in the most ? psychotic situations.”
So that’s that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are absolutely not romantically involved whatsoever. This is probably good for the Twilight franchise as a whole, because the entire point of it is that if Robert’s character has sex with Kristen’s character, then he’s bound by nature to bite her head off immediately afterwards like a kind of posh praying mantis. Or something. We’re not experts.
Anyway, Twilight is all about the sexual abstinence of Robert Pattinson and Kirsten Stewart. And that’d be very difficult to portray onscreen if they both look as if they smell of sperm, wouldn’t it.
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Jenna says
I just wanted to point out that Robert Pattinson is not only lusted after by 6 year olds and mad-eyed spinsters who want to break his legs and lock him a cupboard. He is also attracting perfectly sane girls his own age. I am 23 years old, both mature and sane enough to realize that I have no real chance with him… I’d be more likely to stare quietly across the room at him than scream, and attack, like a fan-girl if I ever met him.
Checkbook says
Hey Stuart,
You’re a rude little ass, aren’t you. Did you write this ‘article’ while you were drunk or something? Next time try spewing your jealous rants while you’re sober. It’ll probably be funnier and make a bit more sense.
Native Girl says
This is really good news because Rob deserves someone better than KStew. I’d like to comment on a little Oscar item that really got my attention. An entertainment reporter on the red carpet asked her father, John Stewart, if she would be presenting with Rob and his response was that Kristen would present at the Oscars,
Lynda says
Wow! Stuart Heritage, do you do that for a living? Isn’t it sufficient just to state that you REALLY DON’T LIKE Robert or Kristen? And, where do you get your info concerning Rob’s fans? I’m well into my 30’s and have several 20 to 30 something friends that simply adore him. He is a tremendously talented young man, but apparently all you see is, well, I’m not sure what you see, but it’s pretty hate filled and ridiculous. Robert has plenty of older fans out here and his talent alone, regardless of his gorgeous face, will get him noticed for years to come. What’s your talent? Hating for a living!
era says
same here.do the research properly.i’m 25 years old and do admire him.Not only he’s attractive and talented but he’s such a down to earth person with a good sense of humour too.He does admits about his flaw in terms of acting which is great and what makes me think he’s awesome.And about kristen…well,She’s good,but not great.I still see kristen stewart in her films.Not that versatile (yet).Just relax,take a deep breath and no need to fight so hard denying the rumour.We get it.And we get it,you’re cool.
Deliah says
Dude
You have SFB syndrome (S**t For Brains). Six year olds and mad-eyed spinsters? Call your mother and tell her that you’ve totally lost your credibility as a factual journalist and you’re signing up for the fingerpainting courses at the senior center. There will be plenty of people there to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.
Lauren says
a) Kristen loves to bite the hand that feeds her/ crap where she eats
b)It’s really untrue that Twilight fans are either middle-aged or pre-pubescent. I’m 21 and I have loads of friends aged 18-25 who like the series and Robert Pattinson. I hate that there seems to be no acknowledgement of this fact….
isabel says
its so funny that he thinks that theres only 6 years old and stuff interest in rob. i am 18 years old well 19 tomorrow and i definitly love twilight as well as the people that play thier characters. so are you telling us that kristen stewart is a 6 years old too?? cuz as far as i iknow shes months younger than me, and rob has come really close friends with her and nothing more. quit trying to break the long relationship she has with her boyfriend, thats so uncessesary.
Abygail says
I love you, really.
This was amazing and absolutely hilarious.
Finally, someone that isn’t a Twilight fanatic.
newmoon says
I am a 36 years old interventional radiologist engaged to a surgeon and I am a huge fan of Robert..I am a moviegoer and I would love to see him in a movie everyear for at least 40 years from now… And stuart Heritage!you’re not nice and you’d better write in politics rather than showbiz coz I don’t read politic articles at all.
Kristen I don’t care for her.
kris says
i really adore brad pitt but not like what i adore robert pattinson ,its more than, than brad pitt ..right now i almost forgot brad pitt..i think im obsess with robert pattinson bcoz of his personality he is so funny,in his every interview it makes me so laugh ,coz he so funny,and have sense of humor,and he just being himself,and he is no boring at all in very interview he have he is so funny!!! Thats y love this man i love robert pattinson and i will support all his movie together with my husband and my children you got it!!!!
kris says
i dont care about kristen or by the others hollywood hot star im just stick to this man ROBERT PATTINSON ONLY FANATIC!!!
Sissy says
HELOOOOO!!!!!!! I am 30 years old and I LOVE Robert Pattinson, he is the reason for global warming when he looks at the camera with those eyes of his OMG!!!!! It is orgasmic!!!!!, and when he smiles is like the sun suddenly shows up in a rainy day, So, How could you know about that? you must be a looser repressed person (hater) with issues about yourself;!! if you do not like him, why on earth do you take time to write garbage about a beautiful person like Robert, get a life break your mirror and get your facts right next time!!
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!1get me a break poolease!!sissy you don,t even know who your talking to and thats’ Stuart Heritage (which your talking to) who by the way is owner of this webpage and for all your know is more. YOUR THE Looser opressed people (hating) like you say but it isn,t Stuart Heritage its’ you!!!!!!to delia you should keep the cockery shows because thats’ obvious your hotshot because it show isnt writing!!!!!!!!!ROFLOFL!!!!!!1Why don,t your call YOU MOther instead and you can tell her YOU WANt to paint fingers and what not and while your atit why noot tell her her postcode is blocking out my sun its’ so big!!!!!!!!!!(fat)!!!!so all the woman on here and also the men who are here too also like kris and chekbook and jenna why don’t you lower the hating and being mean and being nasty and just startwith the loving or even the quiet liking instead (of the hating and being mean and being nasty)
Ashley says
This whole page is hilarious. I can’t fathom how many people this article has upset, but I’m pretty sure it’s a ton. The funniest thing is that all of the people who are even going to bother reading this article are most likely going to be Robert Pattinson fans.
euclid says
Czechbook: points off for use of ‘jealous’ without either ‘h8er’ or ‘HATER’.
Sissy: points of for ‘hater’ without ‘jealous’
kris: either you are 30 with an appalling grasp of simple grammar or
you are a lying child; the choices are qualitative equivalents – your opinion is invalid in either case.
Everyone else: I don’t care who you are, how old you’d like to imagine yourself as, or what you imagine you do for a living (or will once you’re old enough to do so). Your lives are boring and the fact that you are posting on this site about a Rupert Everett Wanabee ghoul is proof thereof.
Now, taking the time to disabuse the deluded masses of their mass-produced masturbation fantasies, THAT is a worthwhile endeavor. [See NKOTB postings for more on that.]
Malthus was right.
Stabby McGee says
With a name like Abygail, I really wanted you to be a stuporous jackaninny. Kudos for disappointing me, at least.
cya7388 says
All you Kristen haters can go to hell.
corine says
ahahahah, i actually pissed myself laughing at that.
i mean, i like twilight, and i find robert pattinson rather attractive.
but that was actualy hilarious. what a rant. legend.
green says
euclid: well done!
Sooby says
Oh well – yur age range really leaves me out in the cold. I am not 20, 30 or even 40 slightly older I will admit to, and have seen Robert in all his stuff and had the luck to see him on the stage when he was 15 (yes I live in London) he did have a raw talent then. Yes I follow his career,yes I think he is handsome. Yes I think he will go far – IF he isnt compartmentalised into a ‘series’ of films. My only fear is that after Twilight people will not realise his talent and will not cast him in anything else. As for Kristen – well I cant say her star shines very much and when it does she appears with such a sour fed up look on her face. In the small area of London I live in a few of us are quietly proud of Rob.
Jenna21 says
I’m 20 yrs old and a huge fan of the Twilight franchise. I bet all of you who are hating on Twilight in general have never read the books. I own all the books and have read them multiple times. I saw the movie and own it because I enjoyed it. The movie is actually a good deal different than the book, even though they tried to stay as close as possible…there’s only so much you can transfer from text to screen. Robert Pattinson makes the movie a fangirl event, I wont deny that, but Bella is obviously the main character and does a pretty decent job playing Bella. RPattz is a talented actor. Don’t hate on what you don’t know. It makes you look like an uneducated idiot who likes to spew venom.
Kristen says
I think RobertPattz is very talented and I also enjoyed his music which i’m glad they put his music in the movie.It just shows everyone how talented he is.I enjoyed Twilight very much.I’m 27 and adore vampire movies.This vampire movie is quite different than your usual vampire movie.Different is good.As for Kristen Stewart I thought she did wonderful in Twilight.I will admit she is acting quite strange in interviews. Far as the rest of the cast of Twilight…I fell in love with them all.I can’t wait to see Jacob and Bella in the next movie.I just hope rumors don’t spread about them too.I also thought Ashley Greene was great also.She is soo cute.Furthermore, I think Kristen Stewarts boyfriend is hot and i’m glad to see Kristen and Rob not dating.Kristen Nd Rob do bring great chemistry to the set tho.I think Bella and Jacob will have the same great chemistry,because of being great friends.Plus have you guys seen his new body….omg.Can’t wait!
angel says
ok we all know he is hot but some of us do have good heads on our sholders and know we will never get to meet him in person and if i did i would not be pulling his hair out or hurting him but i would have to star at him and i would like to see him play the piano in person but i also know that will never happen
Kelly says
Im not 6 years old im 7 oh very smart one just to let you know im 21 and i think that people have to notice every single bad thing about stars. im sure lots of people have done worse things. and how would you know anything about anyone if you dont even know them. have you personaly asked them. didnt think so. and how would you know if there dating or not. they might be or they might not be. and if i ever met him id look at him and walk away because do you know how anoyying it is when people are always obseseve over you asking for your signature. i dont even think i would smile at him. its not that big of a deal. i dont agree that people thing if someone does one bad thing there going to hell or there nothing but a slut white trash or there pot heads stars have a bunch of stress who wouldnt do that you wouldnt even know because your not one and frankly i just thing your a jealous low life who trash talks people for a living. your a selfish person and i think you could get a real job and im sure youve done worse.
angela key says
I loved the movie Twilight and think robert pattinson is sex on a stick – but come on guys, this IS funny!
tina says
i must say i agree with you! i laugh out loud at some of this stuff!
amariama says
Yikes. Who are these people?
Lacramosa says
WTF this was the biggest piece of bulshit ive read in ALONG time
belinda says
hi im 33 and i support robert all the way
Julias says
Heritage is hilarious! Keep up the good work, man! Twilight is evil but I like Robert Pattinson. The problem is that, by choosing to be in these movies, he’s thrown what could have been a nice little acting career down the drain. I think…
By the way, why are twilighters such trolls? They need to calm down!
kasandra says
guys cut it out leave them be its not anyones buisness whether or not they are sleeping together. besides would you want that to go public? they look awsome to be and they fit their characters. well thats my opinion all u others are just rob crazy (apparently) leave him and kristen alone if they want to date they can date if they don’t want to oh well.
STFU says
I want to chop each one of your fingers off, slowly and independently, for typing this load of crap. If you’re going to write something, do it right. As others have said we’re not 6 or 45.
ang says
Im a rp fan in my thirties and i think he’s adorable but i have to say lighten up people it’s only an article and it is kinda funny.
Mellllll says
Dude! THANK YOU! Finally SOMEONE who gives the same EXACT opinions on this whole stupid situation as me! I too am tired of the “Oh.em.gee Robsten are tottttaaalllly together!” shinanigans. I think it would be absolutely horrid if those two were really together and I thank you for posting your lovely rant about it. Thank you, thank you!!! Keep it up!! =]
dazzledlot says
why do you even bother to write about twilight or robert and kristen if you don’t have anthing good to say? it’s such a waste of time if you are really a hater or maybe you are just using them to get notice! twilight is money come on!
bre says
amen i agree with you for the most part but i think she should finish the movies.