Fans of Victoria Beckham’s 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst.
You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.
It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.
We think Victoria Beckham is a modern-day Renaissance woman, but that’s because our understanding of the original Renaissance is that it involved lots of 14th century Europeans half-heartedly trying their hands at different barely-defined jobs and then not worrying when they failed because they were married to millionaire footballers and got their face in Heat at least every couple of weeks anyway. Which we think actually happened.
There’s literally nothing that Victoria Beckham can’t do. Although she says she works in the fashion industry now – which means she follows Katie Holmes around the shops once every couple of weeks – Victoria has also managed to become a red hot TV personality and actress, so long as you count one embarrassingly scaled-back TV show and a woeful appearance on Ugly Betty as red-hot, plus she’s also a world famous singer.
Except she’s not. Not any more. Victoria Beckham’s solo career was over from roughly the second it began, and she’s not likely to do much more with the Spice Girls after their reunion tour couldn’t even stagger on to its scheduled climax.
And this means, as reported by Metro, that Victoria Beckham can’t call herself a singer any more:
Victoria Beckham has followed in Geri Halliwell’s footsteps, announcing her retirement from pop. “I’m not going to sing anymore, I’m turning my mic off,” she said. Her comments, made on breakfast show GMTV, will come as a blow to fans who were hoping to see her in Vegas as part of the Pussycat Dolls troupe. “I heard about that,” she said. “The thought of leaping around on stage in a bra top and knickers. No.”
Never mind. As a member of the Spice Girls, Victoria Beckham has already made more money than most out of singing, so she’ll always be able to say she was a success. Well, she either made her money by singing or by standing around dressed like a stern prostitute while Sporty Spice did all the singing. Anyway, it’s all over now so it doesn’t matter.
And since Victoria Beckham has retired from music so formally, we think this means we’re allowed to sue her for breach of contract if we ever hear her string two or more notes together from now on. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, though – she barely managed to do that when she was a professional.
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Truth says
And the World breathes a sigh of relief…Now if only she would leave the stage!
Lohantastic says
Now can she please also vow to never, ever eat again. Oh wait, she already did that. OK, can she vow to never, ever breathe again?
Rob Delaney says
NO! It’s a lie! Mariah Carey promised the same thing once. So did Celine Dion, and even Mark Morrison (owwwww). They all lie.
Truth will out again says
Woman – Just GO
One More Push says
Victoria Beckham! Here is a woman who is rapidly running out of publicity stunts!
go victoria says
U know what I hate? People who trash successful people. Victoria for FYI is the mother of three Beautiful boys and a great singer. If she wasn’t do u think that she wouldn’t ………..
oh never mind all you people only now how to do these days are Critices and make fun of people (that are famous and successful)who they will never be like even in there wildest dreams.
evilcl0ne says
I agree with ‘go victoria’, well, at least with his/her name anyway.
Truth will out again and again says
Only a deaf person could ever think Posh a singer, never mind a great one. Same goes for dancing, acting and designing. The woman is talentless I am afraid and desperate…
stinkyfinger says
I really couldn’t give a sweaty arse about Ms Posh and her talents or lack thereof. but “Truth will out”, doesn’t it strike you as deliciously ironic that a woman who is apparently so talentless and desperate in quite literallly rolling in money, luxurious houses, loyal friends and family and neither her nor her children will ever want for anything is their lives again. Life really is a total bitch isnt it. God she must hate herself. I would be desperate too if I were in her very expensive shoes, her suffering is almost unbearable.
euclid says
This is the great joy of fame.
You get money and attention, but
you are miserable if these two
commodities aren’t always growing.
The appetite for approval is an insatiable monster;
our idols live in the hell of fearing that they will become irrelevant,
as surely, one day, they all must do.
Mel says
I think it’s a shame. Victoria had a lovely voice, despite what the media said. All her singles proved she could sing. And I bought her album, it was great. It really proved she could sing. And, no, it wasn’t computerized. It was pure vocal. You can see her sing on Youtube LIVE and she is actually rather good. I think it’s a shame she’s left music.
^-^ says
She’s not essential in the music world ! She’s not essential for the Spice Girls! You can’t hear/see the Spice Girls without Melanie C, Emma and Melanie B… Victoria? The band works without her as well ! I don’t mean that she can’t sing but she’s not the best vocalist of the group! The voices of Spice Girls are in order of importance : Melanie C (distinctive, strong, amazing and best voice, the first voice of the group)…then Emma (sweet and angelic voice) and last Melanie B (sassy voice)! Geri has a sexy voice but she’s not vocally essential as well! She left in 1998 and the band gave us the proof that they rock without her (Forever is an amazing album)! Victoria was just “fashion, pointing the finger and ………fashion! Her voice is ok !
Anyway, we would prefer to see the all five Spice Girls, but if she left the band we woudn’t miss her at all
awesome says
Is the world really bothered? It’s not like she can sing anyway so she’s not really giving it up as she’s not been able to sing in the first place
Yawn, yawn, so big loss.
gray clements says
she couldnt sing in the first place,……..
Lynda says
My prayers have been answered – to listen to her was like listtening to a cat calling in the middle of the night – you want to go out and throw abrick at it. You willnot be missed so don’t feel bad.