Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.
In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.
But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?
It’s a sad day, really. It seems as though Foxy Brown is no longer the super-violent maniac she used to be. A while a go we’d be lucky to go a couple of days without hearing about how Foxy Brown had gone around kicking nail salon workers or starting a one-woman riot in a beauty supply store, but that’s all changed now.
Foxy Brown is now – gulp – pleading guilty to things she obviously did. It’s weird. It’s freaked us out a little.
Last year Foxy Brown got arrested for punching a woman in the face with a mobile phone, an incident which left the victim with a chipped tooth and a black eye. At the time Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to the attack and things were left there, primarily because Foxy Brown was already in jail for being the world’s angriest woman.
However, her time in jail has made Foxy Brown see the light. Now that she’s free, Foxy was called into court again yesterday over the Blackberry incident and – rather than repeatedly change her story or fake a pregnancy to hope it’d keep her out of trouble as she’s done in the past – Foxy Brown was quick to plead guilty and apologise for being a bit mental. BBC News reports:
Appearing in a New York court, the 28-year-old admitted hitting Arlene Raymond during an argument over the volume of her car stereo last July. Brooklyn Supreme Court Judge John Walsh sentenced Marchand to time already served, issued an order of protection and ordered her to submit a letter of apology. In a hand-written note, the star said: “I apologize for the incident that occurred on 31 July 2007, in that I attempted to scare Arlene Raymond and place her in harm’s way.”
And immediately after admitting her crime, Foxy Brown left court and walked into the sunset to a chorus of chirping cartoon bluebirds and adorable baby deers dancing a happy little jig. For this, readers, is what happens when you’re so shit-scared of spending seven more years in jail that you’d admit to bloody anything.
It’s always a Blackberry, though, isn’t it? If a phone’s been used to smash someone in the face it’s always a Blackberry. God knows why – if Foxy Brown’s Blackberry is anything like ours, then she’d have kept pressing the stupid massive voice dialling button on the side by accident and the attack would have been punctuated by a stupid detached woman’s voice going “Say a command” again and again all the sodding time. Blackberries are stupid. No wonder Foxy Brown’s so angry all the time.
Anyway, the moral of the story is this – someone send us an iPhone.
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